To Love Unwisely

Tell me the story of how you’ll be free
Hold me close and swear it will never be
Tell me the lie that will always haunt me
Then show me the love that I will always see
Tell me the tale of how you came to me
Hold me close and play with the memories
Tell me how my love should always be free
Then show me the lie that will always hold the key
Tell me the myth that love lives in one space
Hold me close to hide the truth on your face
Tell me to give myself to this world
Then show me again how I can’t be your girl
Tell me the one that always makes me laugh
Hold me close and call yourself a cad
Tell me that we can never share this way
Then show me every other side to what you say
Tell me the joke that makes me cry
Hold me close until my eyes become dry
Tell me that one day someone else will dry my tears
Then show me again why I’ll never truly be his
Tell me the truth of what we can have
Hold me close and feel me and laugh
Tell me that I’ll see this as true
Then show me how to say and do

If I could blanket us both with my love
If I could solve the puzzle of heaven above
If I could dream a life we can’t live without
I’d build you a castle made of doubt
Plant hopes and wishes in each stone
Know every secret you wouldn’t have known
I’d find the key to this home
Keep it safe when you need to roam
Hold my heart with you in mind
Hold out hope and bide my time
Till that day you knew without a care
This love we have and were meant to share

Till then I sit and wait
Knowing my end and bemoaning your fate
Till you understand you don’t have to be alone
And place yourself in our home

This day may never come and my faith may wane
I may come to shy from your face and curse your name
Whatever will come I face without shame
Time spared for you will never be in vain

Fantasy

I sometimes wonder about you

Something in the way you stare

When I get ‘I love you’ out of mid air

Am I truly that lucky, more love than I can bare

I wonder about your mask, the face you hide

Why is there apart of you that you hold inside

I then want to know all there is to know

To be told the many places forbidden for me to go

Will someone else be granted into this space

Someone else be given access to this place

I would like to go there and be with you

I don’t fear ugly I suspect what is untrue

This man I love is he real or fantasy

A figment of a perfect man as I would have him be

Myths are lies too fantastic to touch

I want life with warts, flaws and such

I know for me you are the man you desire to be

But what is the point in living a lie to satisfy fantasy

In this perfect little world where our love rules

There is no room for mistakes and misguided fools

In others you rest your passion

Your lyrical voice with fanatical fashion

If only those thoughts lied with me

If only I could be the fantasy and reality

I suppose I will settle for being your wife

Never truly knowing the drive of your hidden life

Where you see sickness I see the recipe of my true love

Where you see separation I see stife unheard of

As I lay myself bare to you

I wonder will you ever follow through

As I tell my worst fears

You lie to stop the tears

All along I thought this was about quality not quantity

All along I believed I held enough variety

I suppose the biggest crime of all remains to face me

That you require more than me to fulfill your fantasy

Falling

Have you ever been here before, has life ever pulled you away from yourself?

How does one walk forward into chaos knowing what it is?

To know your devil and to face it are entirely removed from each other.

I’m falling fast, hard and painfully.

I feel my nails grating against the steel walls

I feel my legs treading as if in water

My arms flinging to either side of me

My head shaking in denial

The question in it impossible but viable

How do you stop the inevitable?

Where does comfort remain in a force like lightning?

Swift, powerful, restrained yet free

What are you doing to me?

Bring me love without a partner

One heart, one soul, no blend, no empathy

He can’t love me, has no desire to do so.

I can’t say I don’t love him, myth and lie in one

Stop falling, I scream to myself

Stop falling, he won’t help you up

Stop falling, let self-preservation kick in at any time

Stop falling, isn’t the nature of falling uncontrollable

Stop falling, I can’t

Opened Doors

"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby." 

She hummed softly to the melody as the song blazed through the room.  Always she kept the stereo just too loud.  When it was just too loud, it drowned out all else. Even thought.  "Said you'd be coming' . . . But this song, reminded her of everything.

Like everyone else, she had heard the stories about the groupies, the women who follow and chase bands and celebrities.  She hadn't been one of those women.  She stretched her back at an awkward angle and continued the task of washing dishes in the sink that was never big enough.  In the kitchen that left her wanting for more, in the house that seemed to never hold enough space to be comfortable.  She stayed because it was hers, and no one else's.

"Baby, baby, ohhh, baby, I love you."

The floral skirt she was wearing dusted the floor, leaving only a sliver of her naked foot barren before toying with the hard tile.  As she swayed to the music it danced with her, gilding her moves like an echo, ruffling the air trying to remain still around.  The black tank she wore was nearly threadbare from repeated washings.  One of those items of clothing she would wear till it fell from her form.  As most of her clothes were. 

The tears came quickly, as they always did, not unexpected, they never were unexpected.  Most days saw at least one outburst of misery from her soul as it cried out the unfair fate that was forcing her to be so very strong.

The heartbreak wasn't a normal one.  She didn't cry from bitterness of being abandoned.  She cried for having tasted just enough joy to make her long for it for the rest of her life. He hadn't lied, never made one false promise.  So the song actually didn't fit her situation.  But it made it all the worse in truth. He hadn't cared enough to tell her pretty lies.  So unimportant to what he desired in the grand scheme of things she had been that he hadn't bothered to tell her anything.  Not a hello, not a goodbye.  No baby this, baby that, one day soons, or when I come back. Not a don't wait for me, we end here, this was a mistake, or never agains.

For six days and seven nights he had filled her with all that he was.  For three of those nights, she had held onto herself, the fourth she pretended that she was still whole, on the fifth she had stopped lying, and the sixth and seventh opened up another door.

As she discovered the real problem with opened doors wasn't in getting them open.  That had been almost too easy.  It was the closing that proved to give the fit.  Silly waitress in a bar was all she had been.  A foolish girl that had no idea of who he was.  No man had ever made her  . . .feel.  That was who he had become.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

More than just touch, words, expressions, the color of his eyes, the length of his hair.  She knew where he was in the room at all times, as he did with her.  The melting promise of joy would hum through her when she knew he was near.  Damn that opened door.

"Long ago. . ."

She didn't count how much time had passed in years, they seemed insufficient when the number was tallied. Instead she felt his absence in moments.  As the sun slid to rest.  Heavy footsteps approaching. The feel of freshly washed sheets.  Morning dew falling from leaves onto her skin.  Phrases that matched his cadence. Catching musky scents in the air.  Accidental contact with a stranger.  Fresh strawberries against her lips.  And songs bemoaning loving an entertainer.

What he had left was possibility without hope.  She didn't wonder if he would come for her, never dared dream that he still even thought of her.  He ruled her waking thoughts and dreaming nights. Soon it became insanity to pretend that this wasn't the case. She knew that this door in her was wide open now and oh so hard to fill.  A few brave had tried, only to be told, "That damned door only seems to be the right size for one man."

". . . .I thought it was you, it was only the radio."

The dishes were done, the kitchen finally clean.  The baby was sound asleep and the song filled the space.  She turned and held up her arms as if holding onto a partner.  With great confidence she began to move slowly to the soft strings of the song playing. Gazing upward fondly she smiled, sweetly, softly beautifully.  "I love being in your arms", she whispered to the sound pulsing air around her.

From Perilous Flight
On Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Smashwords

Not Another Bodice Ripper - The Case for Serious Romance Part Two

THE ANSWER

Love is a personal endeavor no matter how universal television commercials would like it to seem. The nature of it is idealized for some, and wide open for others. The truth is when writing about something as profoundly intimate as love, it is really bad form to try and relate love in another voice or fashion other than your own. The truth and charm to a story comes from that bit of truth that is included. That bit of truth is the relatable aspect of any story. This is the core of your own voice as a writer. Regardless of how many people 'understand' your character's plight or not, the truth of the situation will ring forth and give the story just the push it needs to really fly.

With that in mind it is very bad form for generalists to assume that a certain plotline or story premise is in line with any pre-described social agenda. The liberation of women was just that, liberation. Liberation is the right to make choices. A woman can decide if she would like to be a public figure or a private one. A woman can choose to vote, bare children, and get married or not. The claim that the creation of or reading of romance somehow 'tricks' women into believing in self destructive rhetoric is almost more offensive than any other misogynic claim as it actually feeds into the myth that women are incapable of processing thought beyond what they know to be a fictitious account.

In laymen's terms, the claim in essence says that a grown woman is not capable of separating fantasy from reality. This is a claim usually attached to mental illness, and honestly makes light of conditions suffered by those who have legitimate hormonal imbalances, injuries or birth defects that are associated with mental illness. Reading romance is not an illness. Also it no more detracts from feminist prose as it would add to it. With that being said, no romance is the same. Like all forms of entertainment and media there are levels of content. No two books actually read the same.

The romance formula is very easy to follow. Usually two people, and in recent entries sometimes more, have a great potential for a romantic relationship. They must confront each other and often times the results are not initially positive. That is because of individuality. This is an aspect of romance that is explored more than it is in some of its traditional fiction contemporaries. You have the dichotomy of a relationship as opposed to the relationship being a side car to the dichotomy of the story. In the end the essence of the story is to confront relationship boundaries and expose them. This is a very emotional plane of existence that can sometimes hold the same trauma as a tragedy. And it should. Love is a life changing event. Seeking to experience it, and be bound to another person for all time is also a life changing event. As far as I know not a single life changing event has ever gone quietly and without lessons in humility and shame. These are human emotions that bear the weight in most situations. Yet in love they are the core of what this entanglement is about.

The way a writer creates this is wide open. This sense of growing affection and intimacy is developed from one thing and one thing only, seeing the person for who they are and loving them because or despite it. This is a truth that romance novelists understand that is rarely examined in most contemporary literature where relationships seem to be of convenience and not of necessity. Others are forced attachments where the characters are bound by seemingly invisible tendrils of emotion that are strong enough to bond yet not strong enough to carry the story.

To some degree the emergence of more acceptable contemporary popular fiction, and the need to be perceived a certain way by others has taken the blush from the rose as far as sweeping love relationships are concerned. Romance novels have long been the butt of literary jokes and recently in a twisted parody of art imitating life some have even endeavored to live up to this reputation of being incomprehensible smut with bad punctuation and grammar. But what are the far reaching consequences to this? This seeming end to fairytale as it were that now blocks the heart from even seeking some idealized contentment. Is it this lack of 'romance' being taken seriously in day to day life that has enabled a lack of respect for sex, marriage, and all romantic relationships? Has the 'replaceable' mate taken the place of the 'irreplaceable' mate?

Today more than ever in a world of revolving doorlike changes we need the purity of actual romance.

Step Outside

I watched the news last evening, the world has come undone
I see the tide is changing has darkness finally come
I watched my soaps this morning and saw people I knew
I see them doing things that I never thought they’d do
I cried to myself as my hope started to want
I felt my mind part leaving me less than sane

Does God hear me calling?
Does He sense my need, feel my falling?
Never has a hero come before his time
Never aware of his fate till the last sign

I heard the radio playing songs of self hate and loathing
On the other station songs of cash and what you’re holding
A few songs about loss of love and the price of pride
One maybe of social injustice offering a hand to guide
Talk about the news, say something about our world today
Where are leaders for us, a helpful word to show the way

Does the world exist without a goal
Does man believe that only fate and God play a role
This is your world too, fight for what you believe
In no time others will rise and follow your lead

I watched, I see, I cried are we free
I heard, I know, I thought where will we I go
Not this way, I won’t cower, run and hide
I pulled on my coat and I stepped outside.

Dictator

Tear away at the seams of your reality and dreams
I want to blend the will of man into a perfect stream
I have a vision of a world where monotony is welcome
I see a place where hell isn’t something you run from

Take my hand my friend I offer it only once and then never again
I can show you a home where you will want to sin

You think me mad for my audacity, my arrogance
I think its rather dashing that I have taken the chance
All want to follow while so few want to lead
Like sheep to a shepherd, you all feel the need

By the righteous I hold a decree for all of those who trust to follow
I will show you paradise just surrender today and embrace tomorrow

Kindred clan of the unnatural world
Crying demand of chaos unfurled
 I am your dictator you will come to me
Alas, there will be order in this hypocrisy

Tail End of Tomorrow

We arrive on the tail end of tomorrow
We stop to smell the roses, trying to drown our sorrow
The next day comes bringing hope and despair
Holding myths of forever, life without a care
O believe in the impossible, live by the inevitable
Tear away from the set and ignore status quo

Do you miss the boredom, miss the need
Do you crave the sickness, yearn to feed

The hate that rains on others yet passes some
The twist of the knife that is still to come
Depending on those that can’t depend on themselves or each other
Dropping life long friends because you’ve found a new lover

Density at mass is the best description
Failure at class, there is no redemption

Don’t pity me as you scoff because I’m not accepted
Instead feel my disgust in you, know I rejoice in being rejected
I can hear you laughing at me from your place in the vacuous void
I take it stone-faced and silent because I know it makes you paranoid
I’m not alone, regardless of what you may need to believe
Beside me stands a different sect awaiting the dawn of our eve

We arrive on the tail end of tomorrow
Waiting patiently for you to let go
The truth stands away from your lies
Every day it gets stronger as your view dies
O believe in the impossible, live by the inevitable
In the distance there is a reckoning that will destroy your fable

Opened Doors

"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby."  

She hummed softly to the melody as the song blazed through the room.  Always she kept the stereo just too loud.  When it was just too loud, it drowned out all else. Even thought.  "Said you'd be coming' . . . But this song, reminded her of everything.

Like everyone else, she had heard the stories about the groupies, the women who follow and chase bands and celebrities.  She hadn't been one of those women.  She stretched her back at an awkward angle and continued the task of washing dishes in the sink that was never big enough.  In the kitchen that left her wanting for more, in the house that seemed to never hold enough space to be comfortable.  She stayed because it was hers, and no one else's.

"Baby, baby, ohhh, baby, I love you."

The floral skirt she was wearing dusted the floor, leaving only a sliver of her naked foot barren before toying with the hard tile.  As she swayed to the music it danced with her, gilding her moves like an echo, ruffling the air trying to remain still around.  The black tank she wore was nearly threadbare from repeated washings.  One of those items of clothing she would wear till it fell from her form.  As most of her clothes were.  

The tears came quickly, as they always did, not unexpected, they never were unexpected.  Most days saw at least one outburst of misery from her soul as it cried out the unfair fate that was forcing her to be so very strong.

The heartbreak wasn't a normal one.  She didn't cry from bitterness of being abandoned.  She cried for having tasted just enough joy to make her long for it for the rest of her life. He hadn't lied, never made one false promise.  So the song actually didn't fit her situation.  But it made it all the worse in truth. He hadn't cared enough to tell her pretty lies.  So unimportant to what he desired in the grand scheme of things she had been that he hadn't bothered to tell her anything.  Not a hello, not a goodbye.  No baby this, baby that, one day soons, or when I come back. Not a don't wait for me, we end here, this was a mistake, or never agains.

For six days and seven nights he had filled her with all that he was.  For three of those nights, she had held onto herself, the fourth she pretended that she was still whole, on the fifth she had stopped lying, and the sixth and seventh opened up another door.

As she discovered the real problem with opened doors wasn't in getting them open.  That had been almost too easy.  It was the closing that proved to give the fit.  Silly waitress in a bar was all she had been.  A foolish girl that had no idea of who he was.  No man had ever made her  . . .feel.  That was who he had become.  Nothing more, nothing less.  

More than just touch, words, expressions, the color of his eyes, the length of his hair.  She knew where he was in the room at all times, as he did with her.  The melting promise of joy would hum through her when she knew he was near.  Damn that opened door.

"Long ago. . ."

She didn't count how much time had passed in years, they seemed insufficient when the number was tallied. Instead she felt his absence in moments.  As the sun slid to rest.  Heavy footsteps approaching. The feel of freshly washed sheets.  Morning dew falling from leaves onto her skin.  Phrases that matched his cadence. Catching musky scents in the air.  Accidental contact with a stranger.  Fresh strawberries against her lips.  And songs bemoaning loving an entertainer.

What he had left was possibility without hope.  She didn't wonder if he would come for her, never dared dream that he still even thought of her.  He ruled her waking thoughts and dreaming nights. Soon it became insanity to pretend that this wasn't the case. She knew that this door in her was wide open now and oh so hard to fill.  A few brave had tried, only to be told, "That damned door only seems to be the right size for one man."

". . . .I thought it was you, it was only the radio."

The dishes were done, the kitchen finally clean.  The baby was sound asleep and the song filled the space.  She turned and held up her arms as if holding onto a partner.  With great confidence she began to move slowly to the soft strings of the song playing. Gazing upward fondly she smiled, sweetly, softly beautifully.  "I love being in your arms", she whispered to the sound pulsing air around her.

The Muse

Sasha watercolors 1998

I’m terrified, for the first time in my life I am honestly tempted to run
All of my bravado, my shit talking ways lay at my feet in dust all but done
Uncertainty does not even begin to describe the depth of my emotions
Confusion does not skim the surface of my delusional notions
I never asked for this, did you, I never wanted this, how could you
Dragged me in by the thick of my hide, kicking and screaming fuck you

I’m petrified, how on earth did you expect me to feel
But it was never about me; you just wanted another way to deal
Selfishness is something I’m all too familiar with, I know how it works
Daily I exercise my right to walk hand and hand with assholes and jerks
Denying the true motive for my rather inhumane form of expression
Deep down inside I just crave to be in their mists, their latest obsession

I’m telling the truth, maybe for the first and last time in my life
I suffer a hole the size of the world ever growing with it’s strife
The shell I wear is the only shield I have against the pain trying to take me
This false persona the only defense against the masochism I want to set free
Lying to myself as I lie to you with a smile of indifference a lack of concern
While I hold myself together trying to quell the fire of outrage that will always burn

Can anyone honestly love a creature such as myself, you see my dilemma
Does such a self-sacrificing creature exist that can tolerate my self-imposed enigma

But I see you, through the haze of tantrums in the face of moral obligation
I see you, through the lies of society on the path to a throne of uncharted destination
Somewhere between my own damnation and your condescension, humility seeped through
Somehow I found a door to another plane of myself of unrecognizable texture and hue

Logic is a notion that can only be defined by itself
Emotion carries facets and karats of immeasurable wealth
I want to taste your tears, revel in the face of your jubilation
I want to incite your passion, stand by you in moments of humiliation
I want your unguarded expressions, be the cause of your lack of concentration
I want what has been denied to others, a bond that defies all analytical explanation

Then I’m resigned by the need and the dependence of such thoughts of you
My lack of patience subsides in the face of avidly wanting to see this through
But my wants are incidental, never as important as I have desired them to be
My need inconsequential as I let fantasy run the course of what could be you and me
In the shadows of my own trepidation that for whatever reason you just might call my bluff
I humbly carry the haunting notion that ultimately my dreams of you will have to be enough

Tail End of Tomorrow

We arrive on the tail end of tomorrow
We stop to smell the roses, trying to drown our sorrow
The next day comes bringing hope and despair
Holding myths of forever, life without a care
O believe in the impossible, live by the inevitable
Tear away from the set and ignore status quo

Do you miss the boredom, miss the need
Do you crave the sickness, yearn to feed

The hate that rains on others yet passes some
The twist of the knife that is still to come
Depending on those that can’t depend on themselves or each other
Dropping life long friends because you’ve found a new lover

Density at mass is the best description
Failure at class, there is no redemption

Don’t pity me as you scoff because I’m not accepted
Instead feel my disgust in you, know I rejoice in being rejected
I can hear you laughing at me from your place in the vacuous void
I take it stone-faced and silent because I know it makes you paranoid
I’m not alone, regardless of what you may need to believe
Beside me stands a different sect awaiting the dawn of our eve

We arrive on the tail end of tomorrow
Waiting patiently for you to let go
The truth stands away from your lies
Every day it gets stronger as your view dies
O believe in the impossible, live by the inevitable
In the distance there is a reckoning that will destroy your fable

Pause

Whisper

Pause, it just takes a moment to realize where I am
Only a moment to understand and see through the scam
I wanted the best at first, I usually want the most convenient
But it has gone far beyond the thought of mercy and being lenient
Now I crave another layer, a deeper knowledge of relation
I yearn for that untouchable state beyond fear and elation
Not quite the unnatural high produced by a drug called ecstasy
But instead an emotional height created by the awe of human synergy

I know it exists, it dances around my form taunting me with it’s perfection
I know it exists, holding itself just out of my grasp reveling in my rejection

Pause, again I hold still and wait for the recognition
Still awaiting the moment when the fates will end my persecution
I only desire what others take for granted, I only want to have those precious instances
But I remain unmoved unswayed by the power that consumes all it influences
Now I thirst for the storm it brings as it swallows whole all that it embraces
I hunger for the brush of it’s wings as it flies to overtake the heart it chases
Not quite like lust that rushes in and ebbs to nothing like the morning tide
But instead the constant consonance that prevails when it should subside

I know it exists, it lives behind the eyes of a well loved child
I know it exists, holding the secret of creation, making chaos less wild

So Suddenly

Resurrection drawn in oil pastels 1995

It always happens so suddenly, takes my breath and humbles me
As I fall down to my knees, I can’t believe you’re here with me
I look around and take in despair, glad to know that you still care
Feeling sorry for those who don’t see, the love of you setting us free

So Suddenly I was put to the test
So foolishly I denied to myself what was best
My arrogance overwhelmed my thought
Silly of me to let myself be bought

Always happens so suddenly someone not wanting me to be free
Always happens in a glance, another person taking that chance

Always happens in a blink of an eye, someone’s truth another’s lie
Suddenly you realize, that you can’t live outside His eyes

So suddenly life didn’t make any sense
Words had no meaning vowels no consonance
I was you and you were me
Inside I was sad, alone and ugly

My mind spun out of control
Not even aware of my own soul

So suddenly a calm settled over my heart
No longer was my mind being pulled apart

Ask so I held on in my heart and believed
And the way is true cause I opened and received
So suddenly it happens so suddenly you know where you must go
You know where you belong, you know

Like and Unending Circle. . Linking Like a Chain

Waiting

Somewhere near the end of time
Someplace lost, perfect and divine
I called it's name and waited for an answer
It moved slowly closer like an erotic dancer
It taunted me from afar and held me enrapt
Promised to hold my heart, my soul entrapped
Just as it arrived, I turned to run
Just as it reached for me, I wanted none
It's power frightens me, It's glory blinding to see
More than me, yet not nearly as offensive
Infinite madness, yet slow and pensive
A moment's hesitation, a moment's pause
I feel myself being clamped firmly in it's jaws
Escape is impossible, regret useless
It's true intentions I can only guess
Yet, I want it's heaven, I crave it's hell
I hunger for the lives it's lived, the stories it can tell
Let me go, set me free
If I swallow you whole, I will cease to be
My destruction in your hands, my salvation in your trust
And whatever the outcome, I know the decision will be just
Should I cry for mercy, or obnoxiously demand more
Ask to be tossed like a rag doll or expect to be taken to it's core

My decision made, I close my eyes
Releasing all self-doubts, all others' lies
I trust you, Whole and true
I love you, I love you

Untitled

What I See

Before the end of my day, my thoughts slid to you
Before time has dragged down the sun and the moon is pulled onto centerstage
Before the stars start to shine in a dance of dark and light as they battle for the sky
Before the haze of the city’s nightlife and lights bring the illusion of day

My thoughts slid to you

They rest on your face where your light eyes see me as if they have never
They curl into your hair, dark as dusk, sifting through the strands of raven-colored
They pause at your lips, like a broken sigh recalling the feel of your breath in a
They drape across your throat and shoulders testing the strength and conviction
of such a strong throat of such a breadth of shoulders defying gravity in a way

My thoughts slid down the chest housing the heart that adores me, holding the
force that drives you, moving the tide that powers you, do you have any idea
They kneed the arms of solid integrity, the proof of determination and hard work
feasted so silk that flow along your face whisper that sounded of love but was indeed my name
that only Atlas himself is familiar with
what a treasure is buried here?
because you would have it no other way.

And then you enter

Bringing fact and fantasy together in a rush of surreal ecstasy, reminding me of
what you see when your eyes eat me alive, when your arms hold me as I writhe,
as your heart pushes closer to me in a vain attempt to meet it’s twin.
As you breathe love that is a whisper of my name, as your midnight silk kisses
my face and neck as your shoulders and throat beckon coyly then demand hotly
for my lips, my hands, my arms, my eyes, my nails, my teeth, my passion, my
And in a flash as gradual as sunrise, the moon is pulled to rest, the stars bow
joy, my pain, my pleasure, my will, my heart, my soul, my life.
before the next ruler abiding their time to glow and shine.

Dawn is pulled from the darkest pits of night and

My thoughts once again slid to you

When Did This Start?

Did you always look at me like that or have I not noticed
Yesterday you looked at my lips as if you felt they needed to be kissed
Did you always smile at me like I was the very reason for it
The other day you flashed it at me like the most entertaining thing in the world was my wit

Did my heart always speed up when I see you or did that just start happening
When it did it last night it felt just so natural like that’s the way it’s always been
Did my mind always drift to you at the most unexpected times or is that new
It struck me a second ago that I don’t seem to think of much else that doesn’t relate to you

Was it before or after we met my ideas on life became drastically different
Now I think the world is beautiful, life is rather nice, and all things are heaven sent
Was it before or after our first conversation that I noticed how underrated talking is
The more I hear your voice, the more of you I discover, the more I wonder when we’ll have our first kiss

Was it before or after I noticed how adorable you are that other men have seemed lacking
I know that it makes me not need their backing
Was it before or after I started to fantasize about us together that I forgot the promises I’d already made before
Just when I thought that every part of my life was determined and set I feel like now you’ve shown me another door
I’m starting to believe that all those changes in me are recent
And I think what I see in you isn’t imagination but a persuasive hint

I’m starting to accept my need to understand you
And I think that you can cope with what you’re starting to feel too
I don’t want to keep on trying to figure out how this started in the past
I just want to concentrate and put my mind to trying to make it last

So I’ll stop sitting around and trying to pinpoint the events by the exact days
I think now I want to set aside the befores and afters and take you by the hand and shoot for always

Blame it on The Moon

Ruins watercolor 1998

The timber of your voice should have been my first clue
The way you smiled at me and held me carefully close to you
Maybe the glint in your eyes should have told the story
Or the brush of your lips on my temple as you whispered “don’t worry”
Your scent filling my head with thoughts I can’t relate
The feel of you beneath my fingertips making it harder for me to wait
Are we victims of midnight, perhaps slaves of the full moon above
Can we cast the blame elsewhere or are we simply doing the unthinkable and falling in love

Perhaps it was in the way you touched me with your hands just like you were with your eyes
The way you took your time to show me beauty before finding your place between my thighs
Maybe it was in the seamless way your body fit mine or was it the other way around
We lay together so perfectly that if one calls I’m never sure who made the sound
Your lips finding that spot on the back of my neck that always sets me off
Your caress light yet strong making me feel like my skin is so soft
Too many love songs on the radio or weddings in June is what I though of
Could they really be our problem or are we simply doing the unimaginable and falling in love

Maybe it was the second glance you gave me as if you saw me in a new light
The look on your face should have given away the entire secret on sight
Your voice, you r touch, your lips all telling me what I refused to hear
Your eyes, your smile, your scent signaling that I have to face my worst fear
Something tells me that I’m not alone but you find that you are ensnared too
Then again maybe in the end it has absolutely nothing to d o with me or you
One minute were having fun the next wondering why we always part so soon
Whether love songs, midnight, or weddings in June, personally I prefer to blame it on the moon

Beyond

Dance (sketchbook) ebony pencil 1993

Beyond the pale of comparison
Beyond the light of hope and dark
Light of wind and break of day
Dawn of the moon, pale of the sun
Ray of light dash of hope
The eve of glory, before the light of time
Time of the moon, journey of the sun
Stars behold in jealousy, yet the sun shines on
Our small crater, our planet revolves
In this life I recall the face of joy
Joy of being, joy of light

Beyond the pale of comparison
Beyond the light of hope and dark
In the mist of the shadows at the break of day
In the essence of time your face stays plain
Light of the wind and break of day
Dawn of the moon, pale of the sun

In your eyes the joy of light
In your touch the joy of being
The eve of glory, before the light of time

Beyond the pale of comparison
In you, the light will always shine

All The Parts

Bears drawn with colored pencils and oil pastels 1993

There are so many parts of us that should be seen to and kept
From the top of our heads to the tips of our toes with each aching breathe
The broad side of us against the narrow core of us
The breadth of us to the very shallow of us

All another piece that comes together to make the whole
From the memories we keep now and lose as we grow old
To the muscle that powers our moves
To the tissue that DNA provides and proves

So I must choose a keeper for my many parts
Is it possible to find just one to update so many charts

So one I choose to care for my body
With you thirst will be seen to whether pure or bawdy

Another I'll entrust with my mind to keep it young and fresh
Each day should be full of knowledge clean with wash and dress

So that leaves my heart for you to insure that it always beat
Fill my life with love that can be felt from head to feet

So that leaves just my soul that I can't seem to fit to a tutor
Perhaps that one is just for me to look after and succor

If there was just one keeper how idea would that be
Just one person to see to all the ends that make up me
It's a dream I can't fulfill, one that has no true match
So I'll try to see to the whole with one by one patch

But the thought always lingers that if there is but only one of me
And with all my parts gathered close to cause me to be
There must exist the other end that looks out with such disheart
Knowing that there must be one who can see to all the parts

You Know Who You Are (1992-1998) #tbt

What I See (Formerly In the Distance) chalk pastels 1993

I think the first time I saw you was in the back of my mind
I think I created an image that I know I’d never find
You lived in my thoughts and constantly dominated my dreams
Held me completely enwrapped by the lights you beam

I think the first time I met you was in a space in my head
You know where everything is smoky and bathed in red
I think there I loved you without hesitation or thought
Somehow knowing that you were what I constantly sought

Then I believe I discovered myself in the world you created
It seems as soon as you came my mind was something you generated
Then I no longer possessed the control that always defined me
And yet at the same time I can’t ever remember feeling so free

I think I first found the meaning of life in your face
You know when I covered your hand with mine I knew my place
I think I saw the foundation of the universe in your eyes
The love and sacrifice of devotion that explains birth and why we die

I’m almost positive that I’ve never in life done anything so beautiful
No matter if you stay or if we part nothing can destroy a joining so wonderful
I think the minute your lips touched mine we silently trades souls
I know I’d wake up at night dead and cold needing you to be whole

Do you know what its like to love in your mind before you love in life
Do you know what it is to live as a woman when you’re already a wife
You know, you’ve always known
You know, yours before I was even grown
From the beginning you were what I wished for on the first star
All you have to do to look at me to see yourself, you know who you are