The Muse

Sasha watercolors 1998

I’m terrified, for the first time in my life I am honestly tempted to run
All of my bravado, my shit talking ways lay at my feet in dust all but done
Uncertainty does not even begin to describe the depth of my emotions
Confusion does not skim the surface of my delusional notions
I never asked for this, did you, I never wanted this, how could you
Dragged me in by the thick of my hide, kicking and screaming fuck you

I’m petrified, how on earth did you expect me to feel
But it was never about me; you just wanted another way to deal
Selfishness is something I’m all too familiar with, I know how it works
Daily I exercise my right to walk hand and hand with assholes and jerks
Denying the true motive for my rather inhumane form of expression
Deep down inside I just crave to be in their mists, their latest obsession

I’m telling the truth, maybe for the first and last time in my life
I suffer a hole the size of the world ever growing with it’s strife
The shell I wear is the only shield I have against the pain trying to take me
This false persona the only defense against the masochism I want to set free
Lying to myself as I lie to you with a smile of indifference a lack of concern
While I hold myself together trying to quell the fire of outrage that will always burn

Can anyone honestly love a creature such as myself, you see my dilemma
Does such a self-sacrificing creature exist that can tolerate my self-imposed enigma

But I see you, through the haze of tantrums in the face of moral obligation
I see you, through the lies of society on the path to a throne of uncharted destination
Somewhere between my own damnation and your condescension, humility seeped through
Somehow I found a door to another plane of myself of unrecognizable texture and hue

Logic is a notion that can only be defined by itself
Emotion carries facets and karats of immeasurable wealth
I want to taste your tears, revel in the face of your jubilation
I want to incite your passion, stand by you in moments of humiliation
I want your unguarded expressions, be the cause of your lack of concentration
I want what has been denied to others, a bond that defies all analytical explanation

Then I’m resigned by the need and the dependence of such thoughts of you
My lack of patience subsides in the face of avidly wanting to see this through
But my wants are incidental, never as important as I have desired them to be
My need inconsequential as I let fantasy run the course of what could be you and me
In the shadows of my own trepidation that for whatever reason you just might call my bluff
I humbly carry the haunting notion that ultimately my dreams of you will have to be enough

What is There Now? (1992-1998)

Enchantress ebony and colored pencil 1993

Picking up pieces and moving on
Separation from everything in my life wrong
I want to part with all the pain
Leave the hurt and be free and sane
What now is left for me but you
When all else was never true
They don’t know me, not like you
They’ll never understand the things I do
What is there when there is no one else
What when all I trust is you and myself
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel
I only met the pain the place where I fell
What is there now I ask you again
How do you separate from everywhere you’ve been
I’m blind to all that is beautiful now
They’ve taken my heart without a hesitation or bow
Now they strain to take my soul
The possession you protect for me and hold
What now, where is the peace
Where is my salvation, where the hurt will cease
I reach for you and you’re not there
Keeping me whole when I know I’ve had more than I can bear
Do you feel me call for you, somehow hear that I need you
Maybe I crave you because you need me
In some divine way neither of us can see
Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself
Or maybe its deeper perhaps something else
Do you need me, is that what there is
Do you fear that I’ll be seen with another and labeled his
I have asked what is there, what’s next
Where is the next stop for me that is best
Every question, a single answer shouted as a vow
Its you, that’s what is there now