"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby."
She hummed softly to the melody as the song blazed through the room. Always she kept the stereo just too loud. When it was just too loud, it drowned out all else. Even thought. "Said you'd be coming' . . . But this song, reminded her of everything.
Like everyone else, she had heard the stories about the groupies, the women who follow and chase bands and celebrities. She hadn't been one of those women. She stretched her back at an awkward angle and continued the task of washing dishes in the sink that was never big enough. In the kitchen that left her wanting for more, in the house that seemed to never hold enough space to be comfortable. She stayed because it was hers, and no one else's.
"Baby, baby, ohhh, baby, I love you."
The floral skirt she was wearing dusted the floor, leaving only a sliver of her naked foot barren before toying with the hard tile. As she swayed to the music it danced with her, gilding her moves like an echo, ruffling the air trying to remain still around. The black tank she wore was nearly threadbare from repeated washings. One of those items of clothing she would wear till it fell from her form. As most of her clothes were.
The tears came quickly, as they always did, not unexpected, they never were unexpected. Most days saw at least one outburst of misery from her soul as it cried out the unfair fate that was forcing her to be so very strong.
The heartbreak wasn't a normal one. She didn't cry from bitterness of being abandoned. She cried for having tasted just enough joy to make her long for it for the rest of her life. He hadn't lied, never made one false promise. So the song actually didn't fit her situation. But it made it all the worse in truth. He hadn't cared enough to tell her pretty lies. So unimportant to what he desired in the grand scheme of things she had been that he hadn't bothered to tell her anything. Not a hello, not a goodbye. No baby this, baby that, one day soons, or when I come back. Not a don't wait for me, we end here, this was a mistake, or never agains.
For six days and seven nights he had filled her with all that he was. For three of those nights, she had held onto herself, the fourth she pretended that she was still whole, on the fifth she had stopped lying, and the sixth and seventh opened up another door.
As she discovered the real problem with opened doors wasn't in getting them open. That had been almost too easy. It was the closing that proved to give the fit. Silly waitress in a bar was all she had been. A foolish girl that had no idea of who he was. No man had ever made her . . .feel. That was who he had become. Nothing more, nothing less.
More than just touch, words, expressions, the color of his eyes, the length of his hair. She knew where he was in the room at all times, as he did with her. The melting promise of joy would hum through her when she knew he was near. Damn that opened door.
"Long ago. . ."
She didn't count how much time had passed in years, they seemed insufficient when the number was tallied. Instead she felt his absence in moments. As the sun slid to rest. Heavy footsteps approaching. The feel of freshly washed sheets. Morning dew falling from leaves onto her skin. Phrases that matched his cadence. Catching musky scents in the air. Accidental contact with a stranger. Fresh strawberries against her lips. And songs bemoaning loving an entertainer.
What he had left was possibility without hope. She didn't wonder if he would come for her, never dared dream that he still even thought of her. He ruled her waking thoughts and dreaming nights. Soon it became insanity to pretend that this wasn't the case. She knew that this door in her was wide open now and oh so hard to fill. A few brave had tried, only to be told, "That damned door only seems to be the right size for one man."
". . . .I thought it was you, it was only the radio."
The dishes were done, the kitchen finally clean. The baby was sound asleep and the song filled the space. She turned and held up her arms as if holding onto a partner. With great confidence she began to move slowly to the soft strings of the song playing. Gazing upward fondly she smiled, sweetly, softly beautifully. "I love being in your arms", she whispered to the sound pulsing air around her.
