Not Another Bodice Ripper - The Case for Serious Romance Part Two

THE ANSWER

Love is a personal endeavor no matter how universal television commercials would like it to seem. The nature of it is idealized for some, and wide open for others. The truth is when writing about something as profoundly intimate as love, it is really bad form to try and relate love in another voice or fashion other than your own. The truth and charm to a story comes from that bit of truth that is included. That bit of truth is the relatable aspect of any story. This is the core of your own voice as a writer. Regardless of how many people 'understand' your character's plight or not, the truth of the situation will ring forth and give the story just the push it needs to really fly.

With that in mind it is very bad form for generalists to assume that a certain plotline or story premise is in line with any pre-described social agenda. The liberation of women was just that, liberation. Liberation is the right to make choices. A woman can decide if she would like to be a public figure or a private one. A woman can choose to vote, bare children, and get married or not. The claim that the creation of or reading of romance somehow 'tricks' women into believing in self destructive rhetoric is almost more offensive than any other misogynic claim as it actually feeds into the myth that women are incapable of processing thought beyond what they know to be a fictitious account.

In laymen's terms, the claim in essence says that a grown woman is not capable of separating fantasy from reality. This is a claim usually attached to mental illness, and honestly makes light of conditions suffered by those who have legitimate hormonal imbalances, injuries or birth defects that are associated with mental illness. Reading romance is not an illness. Also it no more detracts from feminist prose as it would add to it. With that being said, no romance is the same. Like all forms of entertainment and media there are levels of content. No two books actually read the same.

The romance formula is very easy to follow. Usually two people, and in recent entries sometimes more, have a great potential for a romantic relationship. They must confront each other and often times the results are not initially positive. That is because of individuality. This is an aspect of romance that is explored more than it is in some of its traditional fiction contemporaries. You have the dichotomy of a relationship as opposed to the relationship being a side car to the dichotomy of the story. In the end the essence of the story is to confront relationship boundaries and expose them. This is a very emotional plane of existence that can sometimes hold the same trauma as a tragedy. And it should. Love is a life changing event. Seeking to experience it, and be bound to another person for all time is also a life changing event. As far as I know not a single life changing event has ever gone quietly and without lessons in humility and shame. These are human emotions that bear the weight in most situations. Yet in love they are the core of what this entanglement is about.

The way a writer creates this is wide open. This sense of growing affection and intimacy is developed from one thing and one thing only, seeing the person for who they are and loving them because or despite it. This is a truth that romance novelists understand that is rarely examined in most contemporary literature where relationships seem to be of convenience and not of necessity. Others are forced attachments where the characters are bound by seemingly invisible tendrils of emotion that are strong enough to bond yet not strong enough to carry the story.

To some degree the emergence of more acceptable contemporary popular fiction, and the need to be perceived a certain way by others has taken the blush from the rose as far as sweeping love relationships are concerned. Romance novels have long been the butt of literary jokes and recently in a twisted parody of art imitating life some have even endeavored to live up to this reputation of being incomprehensible smut with bad punctuation and grammar. But what are the far reaching consequences to this? This seeming end to fairytale as it were that now blocks the heart from even seeking some idealized contentment. Is it this lack of 'romance' being taken seriously in day to day life that has enabled a lack of respect for sex, marriage, and all romantic relationships? Has the 'replaceable' mate taken the place of the 'irreplaceable' mate?

Today more than ever in a world of revolving doorlike changes we need the purity of actual romance.

Why Men Lose Interest? What a Woman Can Do To Keep a Man!

I believe all of our social problems can be laid at the feet of this compound sentence and title. Within this statement is the bane of our social existence.  How can I make the lack of societal responsibility on the part of the first the fault of the second?

The fallacy of this statement is not lost on me. The problem is that I believe it is lost on most people.  Somehow the world of print media, advertising, and all else have laid the blame for a woman not being attractive to men at the feet of the woman.  Somehow women must strive to satisfy male needs without any concept or care for themselves and who they are.  I suppose this wouldn't be so upsetting if it were 1912 as opposed to 2012.  Yet with the coming of the new year it is obvious that some things still haven't changed.

Man plan

When a woman, namely myself, reads these types of articles that encourage women to dress a certain way, style their hair a certain way, and insist that they don't nag, I become a bit offended.  Ironically not nearly as offended as I become when reading the ones that encourage devious and deceptive behavior as the best way to make yourself 'bait' in a man catching trap. And always if you are not being pursued then there must be something wrong with you as the woman.  The ones that tell you how to alter your behavior so that you 'appear' to be the perfect girl for the guy you have decided you want are the worst offenders of this type of social masking.  Somehow the 'surface' fixes offered by some sites are not nearly as gamey as the personality overrides that more sophisticated networks are offering.

As if

The most popular top 10 lists don’t talk about looks, they talk about behaviors that they feel women need to break in order to be more appealing to a man.  They focus on making sure that you are that bit of fluff in his life that expects little from him and requires little maintenance, yet somehow always has time for him. Only have fun conversations with him and don’t be so negative.  What guy wants to deal with any problems other than his own? So with this in mind, try not to ever have any.  And if you do have the decency to not bring them up to him.  You really need to figure out how be less. . . . human when with a man.  That’s all.  You can’t really be friends anyway because of the sex thing and the fact that you have nothing in common so keep things simple. Should be a quick and easy fix to go from a fully layered functioning person to a constant Budweiser commercial.

While the woman is busy making herself the idea girl, where is the work for the guy?  What is he doing?  Surely he can't be bothered to be making sure that he is the right guy for the kind of girl he has decided he deserves.  Ahh but he is.

So somewhere else in the mass media haze men are being told how they need to act to get that one woman that all men must want because if you want a different kind of woman you are somehow less of a man. She must be this paradigm of womanhood that manages to stay beautiful, sexy, by being painfully self-centered, materialistic, and occasionally asinine. Because if she’s not like that she must be playing you or there is something wrong with her because all girls worth being with are like that. 

So you have to be well dressed, have a well paying job, and pretend to listen to her on occasion.  God knows she isn’t talking about anything but her clothes and hair.  Because as a man all you can offer her is what you are worth in the world.  You make the call, sit and decide what type of woman you want and then be ready to snatch that idea woman up when she presents herself. 

Perfect Man (Female Perspective)

I’m sure she’ll manage to seem loving when she needs to be, if not, buy her treats, she’ll come to heel right quick; have you on your back licking your face.  Remember be manly, don’t let her have her way too much and don’t let her completely rule you through sex.  Which is the only thing she has that is of value to you.  Well along with cooking and cleaning, but women love to do that all the time so you’re doing her a favor by eating her food and making a mess. ( Notice how the male perspective of a perfect man and the woman's perspective of a perfect man don't even resemble each other)

A to B

Yes in a perfect storm the two happen to meet, but how? Because usually the girl he is building himself for is not the one that is building for him. They would be together if they were pursuing the same goal. If he is busy being the man that he thinks woman A wants and woman B is busy being the woman that she thinks man A wants while there is a man B trying to be the man for woman B.  You get the pickle this puts them all in. In that case, when will these two people, who are probably good for each other but are otherwise engaged in being someone they are not. . . meet?

The other end of the spectrum is of course the men and women who are the idea so they don't have to work quite so hard to attract and capture a mate.  (I’m using the word capture in a metaphorical sense because it is usually how the dating, mating thing is referenced) They merely have to pick and choose who will be worthy enough to be with them. 

Basically all of us mutts are dressing up as thoroughbreds hoping the real deal doesn't notice long enough to get them hooked on us.  And we wonder why divorce rates are so damned high.  In the end it doesn't matter what you have coated yourself in, if you're a mutt, you will eventually be revealed as a mutt.  Why play the game when you know the inevitable outcome?

By the way, there isn't anything wrong with mutts.  So it is this value system that seems to pose the biggest threat to relationships between men and women.  Always we go to media and let it determine what is of value in our world and what is not.  I know people believe that the media has no effect on how they determine who to date or why.  I pose the argument that it does. When you compare and contrast definitions of beauty in other cultures and other countries and how the media backs this up it is obvious that we are affected by it because they are often not reflected universally.  For beauty to be a given it would have to have a more universal appeal.  People who are more symmetrical are more attractive across the boards.  However not everyone prefers blondes.

I love those relationships where the couple finds themselves hopelessly and madly in love for very inexplicable reasons.  You see those great loves didn't start under perfect or even convenient circumstances.  The couple usually had a rough road as they had to deal with who they really are in full view of the other person as opposed to who they wanted to be seen as.  This is a crossroad moment.  The relationship either grows or dies in this instant.

First Date

In laymen's terms, I think most relationships are Adam and Eve all over again.  You are naked and blissful, unaware of who you are and that you should be ashamed, then whammy you eat the wrong thing, all is revealed and you just want to run and hide before the other person sees too much. Before they see you're insecure, your confidence can be broken from time to time, you're not perfect, but flawed.  Before they see the parts of you that make you human. This is when the strength of the relationship is really tested.  When you have to drop all of your bullshit fantasies and look at the mess you got yourself in.  All kicked out of Eden and shit.

If a couple survives that terrifying moment of looking each other in the eye and knowing that you are naked before them then they have a shot at it. But they don't have a shot unless they have that moment. Because the same holds true for all things, nothing worth having is easy.  Nothing that is easy is worth having.  Only in the face of separation do we finally realize where we truly want to be.

In the end we are whoever it is we happen to be.  Trust is lost in relationships when it becomes painfully apparent that one of you, or worse yet both of you, is lying in what you told that other person was an important part of your life.  Anyone who has ever had a passion for anything knows you don’t risk an important part of your life on affairs, lack of time spent with it, or lies to yourself about it. 

The brave dive in and deal with it.  They take risks and chances to make sure it is IN their life.  If you don’t have that, you never had that person’s interest. You were a convenience and not a necessity. You should treat the relationship the same way.  Eventually you’ll find that person that won’t flinch and will boldly stand naked before you as you do the same before them.

A to B Courtesy of 

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7155/6511287891_b02a035a8c.jpg

Man Plan Courtesy of

http://www.hiltonsamuel.com/wp-content/themes/thesis/images/header.jpg

Perfect Woman Courtesy of

http://sehihash.livejournal.com/35773.html

Perfect Man Courtesy of

http://humor.beecy.net/menwomen/the-perfect-man/perfect-guy-4.jpg

First Date Courtesy of

http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/ggm080426l.jpg

Online Dating Jazz

Ah the magical wonderful world of online dating.  I've realized that it’s like a seasonal sport.  There are peak times and lulls.  Right now is apparently one of my peak times.  Probably has something to do with my something being trined with my Venus, Ascendant, who knows. I have a couple of profiles that I leave open here and there because it pleases me.  I used to forget about them until someone messaged me and then I would reluctantly pull one down.  Then I decided to start letting them stay unchanged in cyber space as like a letter to myself. Each one catalogues an interesting phase in my life and how I felt about men, dating, and love.  Believing in love is very important for a romance novelist, so I often use these sites to challenge the belief in love others have.

Over the years I've learned a few things about online dating habits, especially where I'm concerned.  Very rarely does anyone who habitually dates online expect to meet the other person. I think it has a little to do with many people not looking at all like the picture they used for scoring a date.  I think it has more to do with the interesting relationships we as human beings develop with technology such as our personal computers. I think to the writings of Sherry Turkle and how she has managed to admit something that we as human beings seem not to be able to do just yet. This is the thought that a computer is a very personal and intimate device.  Just think in a day how many times you touch one in comparison to touching another person. As I type this, I feel how my fingertips brush over the keys, lightly with just enough pressure to cause it to react. I've conditioned myself to respond to it in a certain way.  And unlike people, if you manage it in just the right way it will always do exactly what you want precisely without that loss of interpretation between you and what someone else sees or hears. It builds this shell of safety and comfort for people that the harsh reality of an actual human being shatters.

I think it becomes more so for those who use computers to create art.  Writers like me can easily spend hours with one and not even notice if anyone else is even in the room.  This thing enables our thoughts and tales, our stories and fantasies.  It gives them breath, and saves our favorite moments for us to relive over and over again.  It allows us to go in, and easily fix our errors in punctuation, sentence structure, and even flawed storytelling logic.  Like our stories we build online worlds and communities, such as this blog site, and it rewards us by offering us this additional mask to hide behind so that no one can get close enough to truly hurt us.  Just close enough to interact so we don't feel lonely, but without any of the potential hazards of interacting.  The graphic novel that was adapted to the movie Surrogates shows us a world where this idea is taken to an extreme.  However in many ways this idea has already been realized.

I've never really thought online dating was a good idea because the computer can't translate that moment of awareness, instinct, and presence that happens when you meet a person who you know has the potential to be a substantial part of your life. There is a pleasing anonymity to online dating that people have a tendency to not want to give up.  Whether out of fear of rejection, safety, or just not wanting to experience the awkwardness that accompanies meeting someone for the first time that you have spoken to many times, people have a tendency to chicken out. Many of the dates I have set up ended in me being stood up, cancelled on and never rein-checked, or flat out ignored when it was time to do more than have a casual chat on a random weekday night.

The pessimist would cite things like the other person cheating on someone else as the cause, or is actively trying not to cheat on someone else as the case maybe.  I think it has a lot more to do with the person being just human; a vulnerable creature that isn't always sure of themselves and is trying to find some measure of life that makes some sense. As human beings we seek fulfillment and it is up to us to determine whose fulfillment it will be. With this being the day after the death of Steve Jobs, and the irony of the topic I think I will dare and quote the late technology mastermind.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

In the end, when we create these online extensions of ourselves they somehow reflect the parts of us that we would like to show first and the most.  The process is showing yourself for interest and intent to the rest of the world. We show the parts that we think will appeal to others by either our own value systems or those of others. Which means that you have carefully outlined the parts of yourself you feel have little value or worth to others.  But really this is your truth of what you value most about who you are.

For me personally I have 3 online names, and they showcase all sides of me.  When I'm not Christina, who I am most of the time, I'm Suenammi, which of course is a play on tsunami.  This name was given to me by my first boyfriend and probably the only man to truly accept me as me with whatever that entails. To this day he forces me to never be anyone else but me. The nickname reminds me to stay true to me. Analise is my Renaissance and Medieval Faire name for that wicked side of me that would prefer life be simpler and we made our own rules and laws.  She's that side that loves to play with swords and drink all night in dives with gypsies and pirates. This side believes in natural order, justice by my own hand, and the will of Fate in all matters.  She believes in magic and the divine, in fairytales and ghost stories. While I write under the core of remembering who I am, Suenammi, it is Analise that spins the tales.

So as I consider these multiple mistresses housed in the form known as Christina, I realize why online dating and I are so incompatible.  So few people make the choice to be exactly who they are no matter who that may be whether people can tell or not. The temptation is to be who you want to be and hope that it becomes true. So many people are letting someone else's truth speak for them and not letting their instincts guide them.  And thanks to the way online personas are developed without the least bit of screening, the ones you should stay clear of have been tagged before being released back into the wild. So I have compiled a small list of self-identifiers in your online moniker that will notify me that we are most likely incompatible despite your confidence otherwise. I advise all women who attempt to date online to do the same.

(Ahem) Any references to: money, assumed sexual prowess, active drug habits, illegal career choices, racial exploitation and or skin color descriptors, confrontational behavioral warnings (i.e. TooManyGames), being a living breathing stereotype, overt religious sayings, people who you are not, all none geeky fictional characters (My first nickname is a natural disaster. It would be too hypocritical to rule out fictional character references completely.  However, steer clear of all Supermans. Just sayin'). 

Please note I will not in fact, 'hit you back."  And always the best way to start a conversation is "Hi" and not with the implication of doing me 'a favor'.

Always w/Love

Sue

Not Another Bodice Ripper - The Case for Serious Romance Part Two

THE ANSWER

Love is a personal endeavor no matter how universal television commercials would like it to seem. The nature of it is idealized for some, and wide open for others. The truth is when writing about something as profoundly intimate as love, it is really bad form to try and relate love in another voice or fashion other than your own. The truth and charm to a story comes from that bit of truth that is included. That bit of truth is the relatable aspect of any story. This is the core of your own voice as a writer. Regardless of how many people 'understand' your character's plight or not, the truth of the situation will ring forth and give the story just the push it needs to really fly.

With that in mind it is very bad form for generalists to assume that a certain plotline or story premise is in line with any pre-described social agenda. The liberation of women was just that, liberation. Liberation is the right to make choices. A woman can decide if she would like to be a public figure or a private one. A woman can choose to vote, bare children, and get married or not. The claim that the creation of or reading of romance somehow 'tricks' women into believing in self destructive rhetoric is almost more offensive than any other misogynic claim as it actually feeds into the myth that women are incapable of processing thought beyond what they know to be a fictitious account.

In laymen's terms, the claim in essence says that a grown woman is not capable of separating fantasy from reality. This is a claim usually attached to mental illness, and honestly makes light of conditions suffered by those who have legitimate hormonal imbalances, injuries or birth defects that are associated with mental illness. Reading romance is not an illness. Also it no more detracts from feminist prose as it would add to it. With that being said, no romance is the same. Like all forms of entertainment and media there are levels of content. No two books actually read the same.

The romance formula is very easy to follow. Usually two people, and in recent entries sometimes more, have a great potential for a romantic relationship. They must confront each other and often times the results are not initially positive. That is because of individuality. This is an aspect of romance that is explored more than it is in some of its traditional fiction contemporaries. You have the dichotomy of a relationship as opposed to the relationship being a side car to the dichotomy of the story. In the end the essence of the story is to confront relationship boundaries and expose them. This is a very emotional plane of existence that can sometimes hold the same trauma as a tragedy. And it should. Love is a life changing event. Seeking to experience it, and be bound to another person for all time is also a life changing event. As far as I know not a single life changing event has ever gone quietly and without lessons in humility and shame. These are human emotions that bear the weight in most situations. Yet in love they are the core of what this entanglement is about.

The way a writer creates this is wide open. This sense of growing affection and intimacy is developed from one thing and one thing only, seeing the person for who they are and loving them because or despite it. This is a truth that romance novelists understand that is rarely examined in most contemporary literature where relationships seem to be of convenience and not of necessity. Others are forced attachments where the characters are bound by seemingly invisible tendrils of emotion that are strong enough to bond yet not strong enough to carry the story.

To some degree the emergence of more acceptable contemporary popular fiction, and the need to be perceived a certain way by others has taken the blush from the rose as far as sweeping love relationships are concerned. Romance novels have long been the butt of literary jokes and recently in a twisted parody of art imitating life some have even endeavored to live up to this reputation of being incomprehensible smut with bad punctuation and grammar. But what are the far reaching consequences to this? This seeming end to fairytale as it were that now blocks the heart from even seeking some idealized contentment. Is it this lack of 'romance' being taken seriously in day to day life that has enabled a lack of respect for sex, marriage, and all romantic relationships? Has the 'replaceable' mate taken the place of the 'irreplaceable' mate?

Today more than ever in a world of revolving doorlike changes we need the purity of actual romance.