Not A Sin (1992-1998)

Clash colored pencil drawn 1993

I’m sorry that I didn’t explain what last night meant
I simply wasn’t ready for the gift God sent
I thought that love had sirens and bells
Instead it’s like peace and only a kiss can tell
I thought I I’d know if it caught me in it’s hold
I figured I’d see it shine fierce like spun gold
But instead it crept up behind me frightened my heart
Made me believe that I was wrong this can’t be how it starts
Now months later I can’t explain the night at all
I just now that right when I pull away, I fall
When I hesitate my mind brings pain
When I doubt I feel no gain
So I torture myself and wonder at the fact
Could he really love this idiot this spoiled brat
This indecisive beast who plays the silliest games
This petty person that yelled over the ignorance of a name
I really don’t care how it started that night of before
I’m standing here in love and I’m terrified of opening the door
I give myself headaches, practically lose my mind
Did I really walk away from what I thought I’d never find
I comfort my heart with my imagination
Still wondering if God sent a man to see to my salvation
I feel unworthy, but I want it all so bad
I feel like a failure because the loss of love makes me sad
No one really cares about the state of anyone’s heart
All they care is if their words leave another dart
I’ll wake up tomorrow and start my fight again
And eventually I will understand that love is not a sin

My Serenity (1992-1998)

Self Portrait in colored pencil 1994

Heaven and hell wrapped into one
Peace held in check by the power of the sun
My life, my love, my form of exquisite ecstasy
If only you could understand what its like for me
To hold this gift within my soul never to leave
Held in myself so string and tightly it’s hard to believe
Everyday I take my joy and share its grace
From the voice in my throat to the smile on my face
Every time I move, every step I take
From every tilt of my head to every sound I make
Lives in color the proof of my joy
In full light that can never be called coy

What is my life, my peace and my constant company
It is the music in my soul that’s my serenity

Pulled from the sky in the shapes of stars and the face of the moon
With the awe inspiring regality of a delicate rose in bloom
The feeling of touching the sky and finding it soft as silk
The sensation of holding wind as it runs like milk
Take me life but give me my song
Without the music life would seem wrong
Take my heart, but leave me my voice
No heart is needed when life is no longer your choice

Bound together by something far stronger than fate
It seems that music is my soul mate

Behind my eyes exists a separate entity
There lives my soul with music as my serenity

My Excess (1992-1998)

Ruins painted 1996

I’d hold the key to your thoughts and fill them with me
Light another candle, offer salvation you can see
Lust after you from afar, wait and abide my time
But I’d never take your body without consideration for your mind.

I’d take your pain and let it rest beside mine in my heart
Destroy the cause and reason for it and gladly call it art
Let my soul calmly touch yours in the lightest kiss
But I’d never look you in the eye and pretend you don’t exist

I’d listen to your heart and tell mine to quiet
Blow my world apart and suffer in the silence
Give you a home by my side in my thoughts
But I’d never leave it open to be sold or bought

I’d kill to keep your heart from going cold
Destroy us both to love you
And fight the devil himself for your soul
But I’d never do anything you didn’t need me to do

I’d build, I’d destroy, I’d create, I’d deploy
I’d relish, I’d restore, I’d abolish, I’d ignore
Take you on as my ally and make the world itself our foe
But I’d never keep you chained to me if you needed me to let go.

In Love (1992-1998)

Waiting chalk pastels drawn in 1994

Before God and myself, I tell my story
Before my heart and my soul, I give leeway
Before this earth and it’s creatures, I hold court
I request a boon, a favor if you must
I ask only for forgiveness because it is necessary
I request love because it has all we have lost

In love there is faith, beautiful, glorious, blind faith
In love there is hope, a prayer for happiness beyond earthly confines
In love there is tolerance, differences matter not in it’s face
In love there is joy, an entity as elusive as wind, coming and going at it’s own pleasure
In love there is life, a gift we have forgotten to treat as such
In love there is beauty undeniable to the point of ensuing blindness
In love there is sorrow, without which the beauty does not exist
In love there is the essence of hell tempered by the breath of heaven
In love there is chaos, free as a bird, destructive as fear
In love there is peace, what we truly crave
In love is what I truly ask, don’t fear it’s gain, be terrified of it’s loss

So just be In Love.

If (1992-1998) #tbt

Dreams charcoal drawn in 1993

If this were my world, you wouldn’t understand
You wouldn’t know how to reach out and take my hand

If this were my earth to behold, rule and share
You wouldn’t know how to accept that I care

If your life became mine to live the way I see fit
Could you, would you be able to release it
If your heart became mine to choose who to love
Could you, would you, accept who I thought of
If your mind became mine to think your every thought
Could you, would you learn every lesson taught
If your soul became mine to give to who I choose
Could you, would you to me be able to lose

Everything in light and lift
Just behold and wonder if

Herself or Myself (1992-1998)

Misery painted 1998

I heard you cryin the other night and didn’t know what to do
I felt every tear every sigh, pouring through me and rip me in two
Once again the world has turned its back on you
Once again I stand paralyzed not knowing what to do

I saw you praying the other night and decided to do the same
I didn’t know what you were asking for so I asked for mercy in your name
Hoping God hasn’t become cruel and uncaring to your pain
Hoping He still feels for you and loves you just the same

I noticed the way you walk around now with your head down
I do it now like I’ve lost something special never to be found
Keeping it up high is too hard when you’re around
Keeping it up when all I want to do is let it hang down

I know he beat you once again the other night
I didn’t see him do it but the bruises tell the story on sight
Loving him isn’t going to make it all right
Loving him won’t make him stop hitting you at night

I swear someone was saying the meanest thing about you the other day
I stopped her immediately, told her there’s no base for what you say
Telling her didn’t do one good thing for you
Telling her wasn’t the main thing you needed me to do

I understand now why you and I get along so well
I never had anyone to come to my world and make it anything but hell
Knowing you let’s me see myself clearly
Knowing you helps me to appreciate the pain I hold so dearly

I believe I know how I can help give you back your world
I have a tale on how I got mine back that would make your toes curl
Walking through hell is the only way to salvation I know
Walking away from him is like leaving the last circle of Dante’s inferno

I promised myself that you’d never be hurt again, or was that for me
I can’t seem to separate between us and decide which of us should be free
Staying together on this is important for us
Staying together is the only way we can do what we must

I decided that it was past time that this whole affair came to an end
I want you tot know that the pain has to stop so your heart can mend
Leaving your pain isn’t the answer to your question
Leaving the source of your pain is the way to your hearts protection

I need you to comprehend that this pain you must keep
I tell you it is the reminder you’ll need so this mistake you won’t repeat
Holding the pain will keep you alive as everything else goes cold
Holding the pain will be the spark to make sure you always keep fire in your soul

I stand here now before you with hope in my eyes and both hands held out
I offer you now the method in which to rid yourself of horror and doubt
Standing before you is the life that doesn’t belong to anyone else
Standing beside you is where together we will journey to find ourself.

After Some Time (1992-1998)

Misery painted in 1998

Maybe in awhile we can talk to each other again

Maybe one day we can discuss where together we’ve been

Maybe in time we can work something out

Maybe soon you’ll stop looking at me with doubt


After some time maybe you can trust me once more

After some time maybe you will realize that I was never a whore


Maybe in the future you’ll look at me with trust

Maybe after a while you’ll know I was never ruled by lust

Maybe before it’s over I can bring the joy back to your world

Maybe before its too late you’ll realize I was the only girl


After some time maybe we won’t decide to be apart

After some time maybe you’ll start listening to your heart


I can only say maybe when I’m not sure what’s to come

I can only make a bet on chances that are second to none

I can only hope that you trust the feelings for me you find

I can only ask you for those things after some time

The Weight of My Own Arrogance

No one needs your attention to be in love with you, certainly not me

I don't need your words, or your thoughts, I don't need your body or your mind

I don't need your care or devotion, your presence, not a thing that belongs to you

I don't have to back up my feelings with cold hard facts that prove that loving you is worth its salt

No one needs your consideration to be in love with you, certainly not me

I don't seek your acknowledgment or bearing, I'm not expecting your charm or cunning

I don't seek your motivations and your logics, your plots and plans

I don't seek a clever scheme or trap, some pitiful ruse to give me a good reason to have fallen for you

No one needs your permission to be in love with you, certainly not me

I don't have to clear it with you, make sure it suits your needs or answers your prayers

I don't have to have the right key and see if it suits, just the right fit

I don't have to qualify it, quantify it or even see it through if you're not holding me accountable

No one needs your love to be in love with you, certainly not me

Need I say more, of all the things I don't need, I don't need that most of all

Nothing I say changes the tides, opens the gates or bridges the gaps

All is left unanswered, unclaimed, untapped

And yet not a single thing has changed, obviously certainly not me

The Phoenix

Sometimes, at those times, I know where this road will lead

And then times, after the time, I realize that I never knew,

Perhaps, by chance, a time will come that tells it’s own story

Mayhap by circumstance the story will prove true, after a time

Poet, yes, prophet, maybe, human being always

The story of the journey of a soul through time

The definition of grace and age that only time itself can define

Visions of the future, plagued by guilts of the past

A past that still remains unclear itself, but time has given it wings

It floats by me in instances of everyday life, in the eyes of an old woman

In the laughter of a child, the concern of a parent

The ramblings of a lunatic that makes sense to the parts of me that still listen

To the rustle of wind, howling of it through leaves and branches

A growth of immeasurable worth, have I always been this understanding

Have I always been this naïve, this out of control of the fates that guide me?

And in the end there he stands:  is it him/ or what I want to believe is him?

A shadow of a human being I helped create, I helped destroy

Can I make him whole again; will that ever be his own desire his own will?

Without him wanting, without him needing completion, I will never achieve my destiny

So time again rules over all, time will tell, as always, what God has in store

Can he be whole; the question plagues my mind and every waking hour

Was this what I truly asked for what I thought would complete my journey?

In the wrecked sorrow of his heart, in the shadowed void of his soul,

Is there no presence or even a need for life, for light, for rebirth?

The Phoenix is there hidden beneath the pain, biding it’s time to grow and share it’s unending warmth.

It’s light flickers behind his eyes in moments of unguarded expressions.

In gestures of selfless sacrifice, in voices alive with love

Can this bird be freed, can the unattainable power it holds be liberated for all to bathe in

And sometimes, in those times, I know that it cannot

And then times, after the time, I know that there is no choice, it will be freed

Will it’s freedom spell his destruction, seed my rebirth

Will it’s power seal his fate and justify mine,

Perhaps by chance, his ache has become mine, and I myself I am pulled to lie beside the bird

Desperately filling it’s lungs with my own air; shamelessly fanning it’s fire with my own

Surrounded by darkness, numbed by a cold that should not exist.

Mayhap by circumstance, it will rise, through the grace of God and the blind heart of a fool that didn’t know that there are no second chances

Faith stands, bringing with it the power from the Creator, holding in His All-Knowing hand the seeds to eternal bliss

Bringing with it the awe-inspiring power of love, let’s wait for time to catch up

For it waits for no one, but when it comes, the Phoenix will rise, it will flame, and it will burn

Herself or Myself

I believe I wrote this when I was 18 almost 19 years old.  Young girl dealing with pain and the life she saw and what it meant to have compassion and empathy:

I heard you cryin the other night and didn’t know what to do

I felt every tear every sigh, pouring through me and rip me in two

Once again the world has turned its back on you

Once again I stand paralyzed not knowing what to do

I saw you praying the other night and decided to do the same

I didn’t know what you were asking for so I asked for mercy in your name

Hoping God hasn’t become cruel and uncaring to your pain

Hoping He still feels for you and loves you just the same

I noticed the way you walk around now with your head down

I do it now like I’ve lost something special never to be found

Keeping it up high is too hard when you’re around

Keeping it up when all I want to do is let it hang down

I know he beat you once again the other night

I didn’t see him do it but the bruises tell the story on sight

Loving him isn’t going to make it all right

Loving him won’t make him stop hitting you at night

I swear someone was saying the meanest thing about you the other day

I stopped her immediately, told her there’s no base for what you say

Telling her didn’t do one good thing for you

Telling her wasn’t the main thing you needed me to do

I understand now why you and I get along so well

I never had anyone to come to my world and make it anything but hell

Knowing you let’s me see myself clearly

Knowing you helps me to appreciate the pain I hold so dearly

I believe I know how I can help give you back your world

I have a tale on how I got mine back that would make your toes curl

Walking through hell is the only way to salvation I know

Walking away from him is like leaving the last circle of Dante’s inferno

I promised myself that you’d never be hurt again, or was that for me

I can’t seem to separate between us and decide which of us should be free

Staying together on this is important for us

Staying together is the only way we can do what we must

I decided that it was past time that this whole affair came to an end

I want you tot know that the pain has to stop so your heart can mend

Leaving your pain isn’t the answer to your question

Leaving the source of your pain is the way to your hearts protection

I need you to comprehend that this pain you must keep

I tell you it is the reminder you’ll need so this mistake you won’t repeat

Holding the pain will keep you alive as everything else goes cold

Holding the pain will be the spark to make sure you always keep fire in your soul

I stand here now before you with hope in my eyes and both hands held out

I offer you now the method in which to rid yourself of horror and doubt

Standing before you is the life that doesn’t belong to anyone else

Standing beside you is where together we will journey to find ourself.

Oddity of Mind

A few year ago I released a memoir style fiction called Perilous Flight. It was a coming of age thing that had a lot more reality in it than I ever wanted to believe.  This weighs on me right now.  Give a read.  Feeling a bit of melancholy, need a little direction or just want to get lost with someone who was.  Perilous Flight is the book you're looking for. It is the culmination of healing a broken heart that begins and ends with understanding what you should and shouldn't be fighting for:

I usually don't indulge in psychic flights of fancy.  I know things, I don't like it, I just do.  But every once in a while I have an awareness issue where it feels all of the world's everything is pouring into me.  So it's a haze, blurring dizzying and out of control and then I focus.  And out of the whirl comes a clear conscious stream.  Within this stream I see everything.  Not just a picture, I see people, what they are thinking, what they are feeling why they've responded the way that they have, the connections in their lives that have made it so.  I see myself through their eyes and still maintain what I'm thinking.  It's almost like watching my life as a spectator.  I remove myself from myself and then just politely, quietly watch. 

Not many people know this except for close personal friends. But I dreamed of Siegfried for years before we met.  Call me nuts, but really what use would it be. Anyway in these dreams he would murder me.  He was a serial killer, and he would come up to me and I would stand there knowing that he wouldn't hurt me, trusting him even though I knew I shouldn't and I would let him cut me down. 

He would start with my limbs slowly hacking away at me.  His face impassive and calm, indifferent.  He wasn't even really enjoying it, or paying attention truly.  He was performing a function.  And I endured it knowing that while I would die in one way, I would be reborn in another.  The sane would say that you stay away from the man that murdered you in your dreams.  I say I'm not sane and this was the path I needed to take.  Pain teaches so much more than pleasure does.  As far as my life up to this date has shown me at least.

Honestly I owe the man I'm divorcing a bit of gratitude.  I am just now becoming the woman I've always wanted to be.  And I never would've done it if he hadn't destroyed me emotionally to the point that I no longer wanted to live.  It made me find a reason to exist and forced me to find value within myself and not as a side car of what other people want from me.  The greatest gift a woman can ever give herself, is herself and herself alone.

And now my dreams are my own.  They are tempered with flirting, anticipation, longing, desire, waiting, anxiety, all of the delicious, delicious sensations that accompany being alive.  And now I'm starting to finish the dream, the one where Siegfried destroys me.  It doesn't end like I thought it did, but I never knew that before.  The pain of what I was enduring was always too much and I would end the dream early, well before he’s done killing me. You see, I always thought that this ended in my death and I always check out of dreams before I die in them.  Too Nightmare on Elm Street for me. But now, that I don’t fear the dying I can finish it, picking up from where he left off.

I watch as he pries out my heart and just holds it staring into my face waiting. Finally I yell at him to leave me alone, cursing at him, hating him.  He calmly tosses away my heart, gets up and leaves me lying there. I lay on the ground, my limbs scattered around me, they are burned and singed from my proximity to hell.  My eyes are closed and I weep, uncontrollable weeping.  But no motion, it hurts too much I can't bear the pain of crying as I normally would because heaving does me no good.  I turn to see tiny red demons with stubby limbs fighting over my heart.

Suddenly, the earth shatters around me and I hear him before he lands.  The sound of his wings ripping away as he falls cuts through my pain and stops my tears. I close my eyes as the lightning strikes, it tears up the sky and hurts to look at. And I can see him in my head, falling backwards through clouds, his black wings being torn from his back by the force of his falling. He folds his arms across his chest and lets himself fall.  His face is obscure because it’s being covered by his whipping hair. And then he's there. 

I can't see him, but I can feel him slowly putting me back together.  He starts with my legs, the putting together is almost more painful than the hacking off had been.  Because I can feel the burned torn flesh, I can feel the skin he peeled away from when Siegfried was pulling me apart.  I can feel the exposed nerves, the aching of my bones as they are being fused back together.  I feel the stranger’s hand at my brow. I want to open my eyes but I’m so afraid to stare into the face of my savior, so afraid to meet the man that will have all of me forever no matter what else is decided. He fell for me, what choice do I have. Not that I would choose anything else.  I feel his lips at my eyes telling me its okay not to look, and I feel him push my heart back into my chest. 

Through my pain I now know what to look forward to in pleasure.  I can feel it pour over me peeling away the marred, burned, sliced, and badly cauterized wounds the one who came before left.  This mystery coming into my life just unzips this heavy carcass of my despair, and carefully pulls me free from it.  Like a snake dropping its skin, my reconstructed form, starting with my feet he slowly pulls every part of me free.  His hands brushing away the debris slowly I feel the warmth of the sun combined with the coolness of water. The smell of burning flesh replaced with the onset of spring honeysuckle and lavender. Without a word, his lips to mine I am reborn.

From Perilous Flight at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords

Once. . . .

There once was a child who spoke in dreams.  The meaning the understanding in rivers and streams. The child was one with all that they saw.  The light was a ghost the darkness a claw.  Words were extinct and unable to bear weight. The sounds incomplete not expressing the core of what to make. Every day the most complex tale in a blade of grass. Patterns too great that simplicity has made crass. While I see a shape that bares little meaning. The child sees a world awash in feeling. In each molecule a universe lives.  In every speck another side it gives.

There once was a child who spoke without sound.  In each crinkle of their brow a book was bound. Most sounds are too harsh for the delicacy of thought. They interfere with the true meaning which is sought. The light brought colors that were outside of the spectrum. The beauty and brilliance was far beyond the conceived doldrums. The essence so bright it can’t be undone.  While I see a shade too faint to run. The child sees a glow that rivals the sun.  An experience of life that is second to none.

There once was a child who saw without eyes. In the core of their being they were free of all ties. The world was not bound by the limitations of mere men. What they saw went beyond the confines of sin.  Were we so lucky to see as that one does.  To know life as again as the gift it once was. To see the world without labels, boundaries or walls. To live once again complete not fractured but in alls.

And Then I Know Passion

Fire

It breaks over my body like a rising day.  The warmth of, the burn of, the living flame of what words have yet to truly capture.  I’ve heard it in a song in that bar that uncatachable untraceable bar of tones of melody of harmony blend in such sweet cloying sanctity.  It sounds like hope that burns in fear, breathes in smoke as it reduces all else to ash. 

I sit I pine and I want and I wonder.  The only thing as sweet as having what you most desire, no even sweeter still, is that moment before it comes to be.  In wanting in pining we live we thrive.  In needing in seeing in craving we are what was always intended.

Water

It consumes my space like water in a dream.  Flowing freely into every crack, every crevice every single space reshaping itself to fill all of me, changing my core rebuilding my texture. What was once some is now all, what was once in parts is now just me. Flood is the word that comes to mind, flood it does, pour till it overflows saturating all around me, rivers running, raging and roaring, rapids freeing caging enjoying.

I am only kept by what I allow to keep me.  I am only captive by the vessel I choose to inhabit. My walls I discover as I flow past them.  My boundaries I invade by running right over them.

Wind

It blows through me like a frost bitten wind. Its light and lithe, a whisper and a storm. It cradles me in intent, passive in its care. It tears at my foundation swirling in cacophony. Unseen power pulling relentless at the seams. It whips it wields it shakes it steals. Swooping diving wrapping and writhing it clears the space in its own time to understand the calm that centers how it strives.

I flow on the current of the will that is eternal. Through the push and the pull of unseen lure. My limbs move as if on their own violation. I fight the tug but none would be undone. Either light as a breeze on a tepid spring day or with the rage of the storm cresting for play. Temper my will my pause my pain, continue to build the strength and feed my flame.

Earth

It buries me in grains harvested from the depths of my being. The long planting season roosted many nights ago.  The moon tended the soul, the sun foresaw the dawn.  In grit it pushes to reach new heights.  In rock it solidifies the sediment of eons of understanding shaping and molding firm foundation for all that pushes. Planting a growing, reaping and sowing, from this place rise.

Elements

The earth as my canvas, water my brush, wind be my motions, and fire my paint. I’ll paint you a passion that you have never seen.  It will shake your foundation, twist your space, overflow your dreams and smote your fate.

Now

Weeping wailing fishing sailing

Stop the noise from the wall beyond

End the buzz from the hearts so young

I pull the best from the worst

Hunt the chance to break the curse

I cradle you now and see this place

The pure love as precious as your face

I stand to reason that such a sight

Tears down walls and sets wrongs right

I close my eyes and hold you here

In my heart in my hands so you’re always near

I end your cries with laughter and joy

I’ve known nothing better than this ploy

I hold you close one moment more

How you’ll never understand my adore

I whisper softly so you’ll always know

My love is so great I must let you go

I would not suffer a second more of your pain

You would leave this place and start life again

In Love

I wrote this when I was 16, in love for the first time and just not understanding of the ways of the world, of suffering and strife.  It made me feel like I was being spoken to by some thing beyond me and that it was a lesson to remember.  So I give these words to you.  May they fill you with the hope and joyous sense of wonder I found myself paralyzed with as a teenager when I reread it nearly nightly.  

Before God and myself, I tell my story

Before my heart and my soul, I give leeway

Before this earth and it’s creatures, I hold court

I request a boon, a favor if you must

I ask only for forgiveness because it is necessary

I request love because it has all we have lost

In love there is faith, beautiful, glorious, blind faith

In love there is hope, a prayer for happiness beyond earthly confines

In love there is tolerance, differences matter not in it’s face

In love there is joy, an entity as elusive as wind, coming and going at it’s own pleasure

In love there is life, a gift we have forgotten to treat as such

In love there is beauty undeniable to the point of ensuing blindness

In love there is sorrow, without which the beauty does not exist

In love there is the essence of hell tempered by the breath of heaven

In love there is chaos, free as a bird, destructive as fear

In love there is peace, what we truly crave

In love is what I truly ask, don’t fear it’s gain, be terrified of it’s loss

So just be      In Love.

Veritas

Lyrics to the song I'm working on:

Veritas

In this I see

All that you could be

In turn I find

All that I can’t bind

Behind your eyes

Lives innocence and lies

Sometimes you hide

All there is inside

To show yourself

To me and no one else

I bleed to be

Everything you need

From me to you

Lies all I want to do

You pull away

I can’t make you stay

You pull me back

Mercy you don’t lack

And still I see

So much looks like me

The lie you sigh

The truth lives in your eyes

You run to hide

But always by my side

And still I see

Such much looks like me

Now trust I knew

We both now know the truth

Chorus:

I don’t know you

I’ve always know you

I don’t know you

How could I ever know you

How could I not know you

Shriven

That angry scowl on your face

That bitter touch in your embrace

That dismissive air of mild disgust

The inherent joy in your newfound lust

The smell of me you now must hide

My broken face, your obvious pride

These prison walls that once was a home

Filled with the sounds of your whore’s moan

Denied my dignity, stripped of my heart

Expected to be a robot, feelings that stop and start

Blamed for the rage, blamed for the pain

Everything wrong was laced with my name

Never defended myself from the planned coup

I was still too busy fighting for you

So you hated my love surviving the rend

So you needed to show me a hell without end

Take this love and throw it away

Put it down it has no place here today

You silly girl and foolish child

No one loves and my care was mild

You stupid girl and wasteful burden

You were never someone I would defend

You lack of charm and a woman’s grace

Just a boy with a girl’s face

Your company is lacking and your appeal is false

Leaving you was no real loss

Behind the words lived the truth

Never deserved the love that soothed

Fear was to know true joy

Not worthy of a love that was without ploy

Run away before I take from you

All that makes your love so true

I’ll strip your heart, wreck your soul

And then you’ll join me in the cold

Take your smile and laugh away

Nothing worthy here to make you stay

On this pedestal I’ll preserve your grace

No man again will mar the beauty of this face

Trapped in silver, encased in ice

Only she feels the true sacrifice

Away from harm, away from pain

Away from fear, penalty, and blame

On her tower oh so high, she knows no touch, standing apart

Only comfort offered by the waning glow of her dying heart

Far from anything that could reignite the flame

The parts that die out shatter to not even leave pain

An island to herself, so he may atone

She suffers the cold death of being alone

The pedestal of care, built in praise

Will see her hurried to her end of days

Skin like ice, soul slipping away infused with the lie

Knowing the whole time, without the touch of love even the warmest heart will die

I Weep While He Sings

Written April 12th 2010

People care for possessions better than they care for people

They hold close and obsess until their hearts are full

What is the state of the world when you'll tell a machine what you mean

The core of consciousness that says disregard keep words lean

Just because it's a machine, doesn't make the thought less

Even through these circuits the alarm sounds yelling confess

This is when he lies to me I told myself in tandem

This is when he pretends that it was never even him

This is when he lies to us both that there was no reason

This is when he pretends that this is just the wrong season

People care more for things than they do for souls

They covet that which can be bound, covered up in bowls

What does it mean that we can't speak clearly to one another

The core of logic that claims that this can go no further

I felt the burn of the sin in my eyes as they read those lines

Felt the wash of shame at the need to explain showing all the signs

This is when he lies to me I hate seeing it so clearly

This is when he pretends that he doesn't just fear me

This is when he lies to us both make a whole new truth

This is when he pretends this is just a product of youth

I tore apart my tower of despair

Ripped up the cord of passing fair

Not another day in the shadow of a lie

Not one more pass resulting in goodbye

I saw him so plain in the light of day

Blazing his path daring me to play

He plays with lies as he plays with hearts

It's all a game as he weaves and darts

He plays with fire he plays with things

Over and under I weep while he sings

He sees no difference in people and possessions

No forward progress only regressions

I hold my head my reality is real

I hold my heart, its ok to feel

I hold my tongue don't yell it out

I hold my soul it's too soon to doubt

I hold my course there has to be a way

I hold my faith more than he can say

Over and under I weep while he sings

Another time another girl

Another place another ring

Over and under I weep while he sings

Around the corner around the bend

More pain to bring

Over and under I weep while he sings

Desperate heart desperate soul

To both I must cling

Over and under I weep while he sings

No lie to small

My ears do ring

Over and under I weep while he sings

My Eternally Weeping Heart

Through pain there is knowledge with despair, triumph
Through my heart tears rain for my soul to catch, drown

Through the course of this life I have held such hopes
Through the path set before me I see them all dashed

Through this being agony rips me to gaping, wide open
Through these hands slips love to lie broken, well cracked

Through the events in this world I've seen such desperation
Through the eyes of my love I've seen such naked longing

Through the heart that weeps without tears left to fall
Through the eyes that see clearly through the pretense the wall
Through the being that calls my name boldly within it's halls
Through the soul that hears me so softly whispers, it calls

I answer plainly with my arms held wide,
My eternity, my heart it weeps, it cries

My Eternally Weeping Heart

Through pain there is knowledge with despair, triumph

Through my heart tears rain for my soul to catch, drown

Through the course of this life I have held such hopes

Through the path set before me I see them all dashed

Through this being agony rips me to gaping, wide open

Through these hands slips love to lie broken, well cracked

Through the events in this world I've seen such desperation

Through the eyes of my love I've seen such naked longing

Through the heart that weeps without tears left to fall

Through the eyes that see clearly through the pretense the wall

Through the being that calls my name boldly within its halls

Through the soul that hears me so soft it whispers, it calls

I answer plainly with my arms held wide, my eternity, my heart it weeps, it cries