Showing posts with label Short Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Short Story. Show all posts

Monday, September 12, 2016

The Would Be Prophet

He knew he needed to just keep running no matter what. His legs pumped but it seemed like he wasn’t making any ground. He didn’t know why the Gudha was chasing him and he didn’t have time to consider it. Nor did he have time to contact the Nitya who he had learned often defended humans against such persecution from other alien species. It all looks so good on matra sites when you infuse them but the actuality was no organization moved that fast. But life was no salad field it was sometimes very tough especially for peaceful humans. It was like the aggressive aliens on the earth didn’t understand that this level of violence was abhorrent to the native species.
“You should hear me out.” Miles heard the creature as if he was standing next to him. He had always been disturbed by the Gudha and their invasive ability to project their voice, thoughts and ideas into the human mind. It was an outlawed practice but this one was much too comfortable breaking the rules. He doubted that telling him that would matter. The only reprieve was that they couldn’t read the minds of humans just push themselves into them.  They looked just like humans except when they were projecting.  Their eyes would glint red for a sharp second before they returned to normal. Most people would miss it because it usually happened so fast. Miles was desperate to remember what it was that Gudha hated so he could put himself in the middle of it. It was something very common.
“Head to the water.” He stopped and stared up.  He had been running through the algae alleys.  The algae paved streets glowing under his feet. It was different from the main roads which were lined with algae lamps. He figured he would stay in the less lit pathways. The city was constructed of green spaces. The buildings made from combinations of biodegradable compounds that could be shaped into walls and doors the windows a poly from algae that made them see through and energy producing for the buildings and rooms they were attached to.
The voice had come from a woman perched on the second landing of the building to his right looking down at him through the see through floor she was standing on.
“They hate water.” She followed with. Deftly she hopped on the ledge of the landing, flipped her legs over and landed neatly in front of him with a slight click of her boots on the algae pavement.
Miles stared at the dusky blonde.  Her skin was the shade of slightly browning leaves or a red malt beverage. Her long blonde hair was braided and lay on her shoulder. She was incased in a peculiar fabric.  Most people wore loose flowing linens and cotton. The weather regulator had taken away the need for heavier cloths and clothing decades ago. If his history was correct she was dressed in an almost leather like fabric.  Which was impossible. Leather was extinct just as the cows it was made from were. The pants fit her slightly bulky muscular form closely. The shirt she wore was made of the same fabric and was long sleeved forming fingerless gloves on her hands. It also clung to her skin the color just a few shades darker than her.
“Oh my stars.” He muttered as he saw what she wore on her hips.
The woman smirked slightly if the no toothed shifting of the corner of her lips upward was the only indication he was going to get. She placed her hands on the hilts of the long weapons she wore on her belt which was loosely wrapped around her hips.
“Trust me you’ll be happy I have these before this is over with.” She confided as she flexed her fingers over the wooden handles. She pinned him with her light brown eyes. “Run or stand and fight.”
“Run!” he replied instantly and took off.
She kept pace. “You’ll have to deal with him before it’s over with.”  She said as she jogged casually next to him. “They don’t quit.”
Miles knew she was right he just didn’t want to deal with it. “The fountain on main.”
She shook her head. “Not deep enough to scare him.”  She sped up and got in the lead. “We need to head to the lake.”
“Don’t trust her.” Miles heard in the back of his head from the creature pursuing him. He looked at the woman running in front of him. “Who are you anyway?”
“They call me Nikki.”
Miles tried to fight the frown. “That’s a very old name.”
She made a sound that he assumed might be laughter.
“Do you know why it’s chasing you?” she asked out of nowhere.
“No.” He muttered as he tried to keep up.
“How long?”
“Since yesterday.”
“What was the last thing you dreamed?”
Miles frowned at the question not really sure what that had to do with anything. “I really can’t remember.”
“Try!” she threw over her shoulder forcefully.
Miles couldn’t really focus while he was running but he was encouraged by seeing the lake a few yards ahead.
“Don’t stare at it jump in.” Nikki said as Miles slowed at the edge of the lake. He gave her a quick look and she nodded towards the water.
Miles’ fear grew as he finally could see what had been chasing him. The creature looked just like a man. He had long red hair that brushed the middle of his back tied back into a ponytail. The algae lights glinted eerily off of his black icy eyes.  The Gudha had a look about them. Very human features pulled almost too sharp.  They always held their faces passive and still nearly emotionless. They dressed very similar to human males with the long flowing white cotton tunic and loose pants of the same fabric. It was a known fact that they roughly possessed 35% more muscle than the average human male. The larger muscled form shifted slightly as the creature approached the woman who had literally led him to water. He was about 6 feet tall which made him larger than the average Gudha.  They usually ran under 6 feet hovering around 5′ 9′.
Miles waded. “What are you doing?” he asked as she turned to face the Gudha. “Come with me.”
The woman continued to face the Gudha. “Swim to the other side. I’ll find you later.”
Miles was confused but did what he was told.
“I wish you hadn’t done that.” the Gudha practically sang as he watched Miles swim away.
Nikki hadn’t taken her eyes off of the Gudha to watch Miles swim away.  When it was time she would be led to him. Right now she had to make sure Miles had enough time to get away. The water would do that. It would make him harder for the Gudha to track and her presence acted as a shield so that Miles would disappear for just long enough.
“I’m sure.” Nikki said slowly as she gripped the handles of her weapons.
He put his hand up. “Now Nikki we should talk.”
Nikki stared at the beast. “Been a while Kal. I guess I know what you have been up to since the fall.”
The creature erupted into maniacal laughter that practically echoed in the space. “The Fall. Is that what you’re calling it?”
Nikki shrugged slightly as she took a step closer her hands firm on the handles of her weapons. She suspected he wasn’t looking for a fight. But these fellas were always so hard to call in the moment. She didn’t know how desperate he was to get to Miles. So it was time to find out.  He met her step for step until he was standing a few feet in front of her looking down at her.
“It’s just the framework, the story we’re all sticking to.” He leaned in. “But we feel the same to each other don’t we?”
“What are you after Kal?”
He shrugged. “I liked it better when they were filled with self-righteous indignation.” He stared at her for few moments. “He’s not even going to stand and fight. Remember when they would charge the gates of hell with a bucket of ice water.” He started to circle her a bit as Nikki turned to face him as he did.
“There is no hell anymore. No heaven either.” She muttered to him beneath her breath. “They are free of it all.”
“But we’re not.” He hissed. “Don’t you miss it?” He leaned in to whisper that against her ear. “The power of who and what you really are.”
“They get to choose. He gets to choose.”  Nikki said in a measured fashion.
“Choice has never looked good on them.” He muttered back. “Let me show him what his dreams really mean. He’ll never figure it out without help. Let me push him to doing what needs to be done.”
Nikki pulled out one of her blades and used it to casually scratch her head. “Not your call to make.”
She stared at him daring him to say the words that would stop this from being a conversation. She could feel his calculating his chances for success. And she knew the minute he decided to let her hold him.
Nikki grunted a bit then glanced at the large body of water behind her. “I thought being so close to the water would make you chatty.”
“You know I was a little doubtful about seeing what I thought I saw. Now that you’re here I know for a fact it was exactly what I thought it was.”
Nikki sighed loudly and rolled her eyes hard. “Kal you should let it go.”
“You mean let him go.”
“I do.”
Nikki stared at the beast. People were afraid of them but they didn’t realize what they were and what their nature was. Hell Nikki had been chasing these things for over 600 years and she couldn’t tell most days of the week which way one would go. She could feel the unease shift inside of her. The voice she listened to without question giving an order.
She saw the flash of Kal’s eyes before Gabe appeared. It was like a wind then a whisper and Gabe filled in the space that was empty to the left of them both. Both she and Kal looked over to see Gabe standing there his curly black hair in long disarray around his head just barely brushing his shoulders. His bronze skin stretched over Roman features.  His brown tunic and pants fluttering slightly in the wake of his arrival. His silver eyes glinted like shinning steel nearly iridescent when you tried to look directly into them. He stood as tall as Kal and just as broad. They mirrored each other in shape and form in the oddest ways.
“Like I said. . . I have no doubt now.” Kal said in a satisfied fashion as he started to back away from Nikki and Gabe.
“Go to him. I’ll keep him occupied.” Gabe said in a deep rich baritone.
Nikki looked at the two males and started to back away. She moved close to the water closed her eyes and searched for Miles. One breath then two and she caught his scent. The ones with the potential to change things always smelled different. She didn’t know if it was because of what she was or because of what they were but when Miles had passed under her that night six weeks ago she knew what would come next. She hadn’t smelled one since before the Fall. He was a heralding of a few potential futures and she was going to have to find him so he could decide what he planned to do about it.
Nikki focused saw where he was inhaled deep then shifted her space. She exhaled and opened her eyes and was right outside of a door.
The over-surveillance of the public that was popular during the last few decades before the Fall had made traveling like this impossible. But with the onset of understanding that there were other beings in the Universe with different abilities and powers she was able to live as freely as she ever had. Still old habits die hard and somewhere in the middle of her 4th century alive technology had taken such a leap that it had compromised her entire existence. Dalen had trained her hard fast and as usual without mercy to keep matters hidden. Photography, video, cell phones, the internet, social media had made doing her job even harder than it had been.
Miles opening the door cut into her thoughts. “Hi it’s you. Are you a Nitya?”
Nikki actually laughed in that subdued grunt she does. “No Miles I’m one of a kind. Like you.”
Miles frowned looking very confused. Nikki looked at Miles now that he was in a safer situation. She could see him clearly now. He was by all rights an average looking human being. One of the hang-ups of the previous ones before the fall was skin color. This lot never noticed the slight variations in pigment. They were all varying shades of dark. Dalen would say that’s how it was in the beginning so it returns. His features also were not very extraordinary. Large brown eyes, high cheekbones, sharp nose and chin with full lips.
What he held inside was a remnant of a long dead generation. A throwback that was birthed from the generic matching that humans are born of now from a system that could never quantify this trait less alone weed it out. A foreign element never meant for this mix. Chance would be pleased.
“I’m just a human.” Miles responded as he stood back so Nikki could come in. “I want to thank you for helping me earlier.”
Nikki nodded as she stared at him in a penetrating fashion. “You are human that’s not what I mean.”
She took in the place he was in. “Your place?”
It was a basic small room. Places were different not spacious like they used to be. Now a four walled room changed to suit the needs of the inhabitants. With food supplements and automated waste recycling people didn’t’ have to even dirty themselves with true cooking eating, shitting and pissing like she still had to do. She didn’t do it for necessity she did it because it made her feel real in a world that was even more different than anything else after the Fall.  Like always the only natural thing that humanity did was have sex. Well usually.
Miles shook his head. “I rented earlier. I needed to eat and rest.”
“To run again.”
Miles looked at her sharply at the judging tone of how she said it. “I’m human we’re peaceful.”
Nikki grunted. “So I’ve been told.” she practically whispered. “What do you know of history?”
Miles looked at her and waved his hand.  The floor pushed up to form a place for them to sit. The material pulled away like a liquid and became solid cushy beneath them. Nikki tried to get comfortable but she as always better on the ground in grass with the earth. She sighed softly as she moved to get settled.
Miles shrugged. “I’ve matra’d some things.”
“How about religion?”
Miles laughed. “Oh you mean how they used to believe in a supreme being called God when it was really just a few alien races that were guiding us in the guise of being an all-powerful being.”
Nikki made a face. “Yes that.”
“Yeah it makes me think the virus that wiped them all out was very needed.”
Nikki scratched her eyebrow in a sheepish fashion. “Well I can understand why you would feel that way. How about specifics? What do you know about individual religions?”
He shrugged again. “Nothing just the overview.”
She leaned in. “Now tell me about your dreams.”
He started to fidget with his clothes. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable talking about that.”
She nodded. “I know but that’s why the Gudha is after you. The only way I can keep you safe is if you know what’s happening.” she was met with silence. “Ok I’ll start. Was there a wooden structure two large long square planks of wood?  Shaped like this.” She formed a cross with her index fingers.
Miles looked at her. “I . . how did you?”
“There was a man nailed to it.”
Miles got up and started to pace nervously. “Very violent dreams I didn’t understand what I was seeing or why.” he paused troubled. “I’ve never seen such menace, such cruelty and it was men. It was done by humans. But it wasn’t just that. There was war I think it’s what they used to call it.”
“But that wasn’t all.” Nikki opened. “There was more yes?”
His eyes told what he wouldn’t say. He had seen the other end. The power of faith and he feared it.
“You have a choice to make.” Nikki started softly.  She was silent trying to gather the words being told to her to repeat to the man. “The concept is freewill. The undercurrents of freewill are choice and destiny. Understand that freewill is the operator that allows you choice however it does not affect destiny. What will be will be.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Because the concepts are foreign to you but they were a part of daily discourse amoung the previous humans before the” she paused. They didn’t call it the Fall. “before the Years of the Last Lord. Listen to my words and hear them not with your ears but with your heart. Humanity used to have a concept known as faith. Faith is what made religion a viable prospect. The issue is it went too far. Faith was used to supersede the rights of others to live, to love. It produced poverty, misery and death. It was used to justify killing and to dehumanize humans. On the other end faith could end wars produce peace miracles. Like with all things it was a great power and like great power it was abused but also saved. The Gudha wants this to exist in the world again.”
“Why?” Miles asked his face showing the horror he felt at her words.
“He has his own reasons. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter the choice is yours.”
“Why me?” Miles said sharply. “This makes no sense. Everything is a choice there aren’t invisible beings and what did you call it destiny.”
She stared at Miles knowing he was fighting his instincts in an attempt to hang on to something known. “You’ve dreamt it Miles. You’ve seen the path. You’ve seen the future.”
“No!” he started pacing again. “What I’ve seen is a horror that is not our future. We are peaceful.”
Nikki was losing her patience with Miles who was refusing to understand the messages she knew he had been given and seeing for months now. “Humanity will fight or become slaves,” she related in a matter of fact way. “For that fight they will need every resource available. Faith is very powerful. Usually more so for those who don’t believe.”
“No I could never survive what I saw I couldn’t live through it.” he muttered in a dejected tone.
Nikki stood finally angry. She shook her head sharply and gritted out between her teeth. “You’d be amazed at what you can live through.”
She felt the shift outside and stood. “Goddammit.” she muttered and got up. “You stay inside.” Nikki headed to the door and went out.  There Kal stood a few feet away.
“Gabe?” She asked shortly.
“Was called away.”
Nikki fingered her blades and started over to Kal. A few feet away they began to circle each other. This went on for a few moments.
“You aren’t going to talk me out of the fight.” Kal asked.
“It’s too late for that Kal. You know it.” she breathed.
“Just making sure.” he uttered right before he pulled out a broadsword and moved in.
Nikki flipped her blades out of their holster to catch the first strike.  She parried with the left and struck out with the right. He dodged back to avoid the swipe and re set to swing from overhead. Nikki turned to avoid the swing and got first blood under his arm.
“You’re much better than the last time we fought.” He remarked.
“Unlike you I’ve never been able to just sit on my ass and wait anything out.”
“Touché.”
“Walk away Kal.”
“You know I can’t do that. We have to show the human a fight now.” He growled at her.
Nikki glanced back and sure enough Miles had produced a window so he could watch.
She cursed as she lunged for Kal. The battle was sharp and swift. Nikki swung down left while swinging up with the right. Kal canted his sword to block both blows. The click and clash set off sparks in the air. She turned and swung low and he got his leg out of the way before she could connected. She made a crucial mistake and took a knee to the face. The force sent her backwards.
She landed on the other side of the window Miles was watching from. She saw him as he looked from her to Kal and back again. The terror in his eyes and on his face was evident. Nikki shook her head and felt the fear of losing kick in. She ignored the pain and embraced the anger sparked by the sight of Miles just watching and still not being willing to fight for his own life as she was.  She kicked up as Kal approached her.
She was breathing heavily as Kal was. He was slowly stalking towards her. She bared her teeth at him her jaw clenching hard. She spared a moment to look at Miles as visions of her first real battle swam through her head and the words her teacher gave her left her lips in a feral growl. “You must fight to the end of your strength to your very last breath.”
With a scream she started to swing her blades at Kal. They continued as before swing parry swing parry and finally Nikki kicked Kal in the middle of his chest knocking the sword from his hands at the same time. She mounted him putting her left blade to his throat and the other raised high ready to strike.
Kal stared up at her unsure. After the second blade didn’t fall he started to laugh.
“Mercy eh?” he muttered then started to laugh in earnest.
Nikki shook her head as the voice of the Father gave his orders. “Get out of here Kal.” She glanced back at Miles who looked even more horrified than before. Damned chaos demons she sighed to herself. “Your work here is done.”
She got up and Kal was gone in a flash. A gust of wind and lingering cold was all that remained. She turned to meet the disbelieving eyes of Miles Trinity. The man that could bring faith back to the world.
He didn’t realize it but he was already changed, already effected by the dreams that showed him the future and tried to explain with the past. It was the concept of will he wasn’t getting. What he saw as horrors was will being expressed and fought for.
She didn’t stay she knew after what he had witnessed he would not let her back in. He was afraid of his destiny and would one day look back and wonder what could’ve been had he trusted his true path.  Especially when he sees another take up the path for him.
The nine that had been chosen to reseed humanity had been survivors honed and toughened by life. All had been strong of will and conviction. They would be appalled at what they unwittingly sired.  And this man. This would be prophet would let it all fall before taking a stand.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Opened Doors

"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby." 

She hummed softly to the melody as the song blazed through the room.  Always she kept the stereo just too loud.  When it was just too loud, it drowned out all else. Even thought.  "Said you'd be coming' . . . But this song, reminded her of everything.

Like everyone else, she had heard the stories about the groupies, the women who follow and chase bands and celebrities.  She hadn't been one of those women.  She stretched her back at an awkward angle and continued the task of washing dishes in the sink that was never big enough.  In the kitchen that left her wanting for more, in the house that seemed to never hold enough space to be comfortable.  She stayed because it was hers, and no one else's.

"Baby, baby, ohhh, baby, I love you."

The floral skirt she was wearing dusted the floor, leaving only a sliver of her naked foot barren before toying with the hard tile.  As she swayed to the music it danced with her, gilding her moves like an echo, ruffling the air trying to remain still around.  The black tank she wore was nearly threadbare from repeated washings.  One of those items of clothing she would wear till it fell from her form.  As most of her clothes were. 

The tears came quickly, as they always did, not unexpected, they never were unexpected.  Most days saw at least one outburst of misery from her soul as it cried out the unfair fate that was forcing her to be so very strong.

The heartbreak wasn't a normal one.  She didn't cry from bitterness of being abandoned.  She cried for having tasted just enough joy to make her long for it for the rest of her life. He hadn't lied, never made one false promise.  So the song actually didn't fit her situation.  But it made it all the worse in truth. He hadn't cared enough to tell her pretty lies.  So unimportant to what he desired in the grand scheme of things she had been that he hadn't bothered to tell her anything.  Not a hello, not a goodbye.  No baby this, baby that, one day soons, or when I come back. Not a don't wait for me, we end here, this was a mistake, or never agains.

For six days and seven nights he had filled her with all that he was.  For three of those nights, she had held onto herself, the fourth she pretended that she was still whole, on the fifth she had stopped lying, and the sixth and seventh opened up another door.

As she discovered the real problem with opened doors wasn't in getting them open.  That had been almost too easy.  It was the closing that proved to give the fit.  Silly waitress in a bar was all she had been.  A foolish girl that had no idea of who he was.  No man had ever made her  . . .feel.  That was who he had become.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

More than just touch, words, expressions, the color of his eyes, the length of his hair.  She knew where he was in the room at all times, as he did with her.  The melting promise of joy would hum through her when she knew he was near.  Damn that opened door.

"Long ago. . ."

She didn't count how much time had passed in years, they seemed insufficient when the number was tallied. Instead she felt his absence in moments.  As the sun slid to rest.  Heavy footsteps approaching. The feel of freshly washed sheets.  Morning dew falling from leaves onto her skin.  Phrases that matched his cadence. Catching musky scents in the air.  Accidental contact with a stranger.  Fresh strawberries against her lips.  And songs bemoaning loving an entertainer.

What he had left was possibility without hope.  She didn't wonder if he would come for her, never dared dream that he still even thought of her.  He ruled her waking thoughts and dreaming nights. Soon it became insanity to pretend that this wasn't the case. She knew that this door in her was wide open now and oh so hard to fill.  A few brave had tried, only to be told, "That damned door only seems to be the right size for one man."

". . . .I thought it was you, it was only the radio."

The dishes were done, the kitchen finally clean.  The baby was sound asleep and the song filled the space.  She turned and held up her arms as if holding onto a partner.  With great confidence she began to move slowly to the soft strings of the song playing. Gazing upward fondly she smiled, sweetly, softly beautifully.  "I love being in your arms", she whispered to the sound pulsing air around her.



From Perilous Flight
On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Opened Doors

"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby."  
She hummed softly to the melody as the song blazed through the room.  Always she kept the stereo just too loud.  When it was just too loud, it drowned out all else. Even thought.  "Said you'd be coming' . . . But this song, reminded her of everything.
Like everyone else, she had heard the stories about the groupies, the women who follow and chase bands and celebrities.  She hadn't been one of those women.  She stretched her back at an awkward angle and continued the task of washing dishes in the sink that was never big enough.  In the kitchen that left her wanting for more, in the house that seemed to never hold enough space to be comfortable.  She stayed because it was hers, and no one else's.
"Baby, baby, ohhh, baby, I love you."
The floral skirt she was wearing dusted the floor, leaving only a sliver of her naked foot barren before toying with the hard tile.  As she swayed to the music it danced with her, gilding her moves like an echo, ruffling the air trying to remain still around.  The black tank she wore was nearly threadbare from repeated washings.  One of those items of clothing she would wear till it fell from her form.  As most of her clothes were.  
The tears came quickly, as they always did, not unexpected, they never were unexpected.  Most days saw at least one outburst of misery from her soul as it cried out the unfair fate that was forcing her to be so very strong.
The heartbreak wasn't a normal one.  She didn't cry from bitterness of being abandoned.  She cried for having tasted just enough joy to make her long for it for the rest of her life. He hadn't lied, never made one false promise.  So the song actually didn't fit her situation.  But it made it all the worse in truth. He hadn't cared enough to tell her pretty lies.  So unimportant to what he desired in the grand scheme of things she had been that he hadn't bothered to tell her anything.  Not a hello, not a goodbye.  No baby this, baby that, one day soons, or when I come back. Not a don't wait for me, we end here, this was a mistake, or never agains.
For six days and seven nights he had filled her with all that he was.  For three of those nights, she had held onto herself, the fourth she pretended that she was still whole, on the fifth she had stopped lying, and the sixth and seventh opened up another door.
As she discovered the real problem with opened doors wasn't in getting them open.  That had been almost too easy.  It was the closing that proved to give the fit.  Silly waitress in a bar was all she had been.  A foolish girl that had no idea of who he was.  No man had ever made her  . . .feel.  That was who he had become.  Nothing more, nothing less.  
More than just touch, words, expressions, the color of his eyes, the length of his hair.  She knew where he was in the room at all times, as he did with her.  The melting promise of joy would hum through her when she knew he was near.  Damn that opened door.
"Long ago. . ."
She didn't count how much time had passed in years, they seemed insufficient when the number was tallied. Instead she felt his absence in moments.  As the sun slid to rest.  Heavy footsteps approaching. The feel of freshly washed sheets.  Morning dew falling from leaves onto her skin.  Phrases that matched his cadence. Catching musky scents in the air.  Accidental contact with a stranger.  Fresh strawberries against her lips.  And songs bemoaning loving an entertainer.
What he had left was possibility without hope.  She didn't wonder if he would come for her, never dared dream that he still even thought of her.  He ruled her waking thoughts and dreaming nights. Soon it became insanity to pretend that this wasn't the case. She knew that this door in her was wide open now and oh so hard to fill.  A few brave had tried, only to be told, "That damned door only seems to be the right size for one man."
". . . .I thought it was you, it was only the radio."

The dishes were done, the kitchen finally clean.  The baby was sound asleep and the song filled the space.  She turned and held up her arms as if holding onto a partner.  With great confidence she began to move slowly to the soft strings of the song playing. Gazing upward fondly she smiled, sweetly, softly beautifully.  "I love being in your arms", she whispered to the sound pulsing air around her.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Oddity of Mind

A few year ago I released a memoir style fiction called Perilous Flight. It was a coming of age thing that had a lot more reality in it than I ever wanted to believe.  This weighs on me right now.  Give a read.  Feeling a bit of melancholy, need a little direction or just want to get lost with someone who was.  Perilous Flight is the book you're looking for. It is the culmination of healing a broken heart that begins and ends with understanding what you should and shouldn't be fighting for:

I usually don't indulge in psychic flights of fancy.  I know things, I don't like it, I just do.  But every once in a while I have an awareness issue where it feels all of the world's everything is pouring into me.  So it's a haze, blurring dizzying and out of control and then I focus.  And out of the whirl comes a clear conscious stream.  Within this stream I see everything.  Not just a picture, I see people, what they are thinking, what they are feeling why they've responded the way that they have, the connections in their lives that have made it so.  I see myself through their eyes and still maintain what I'm thinking.  It's almost like watching my life as a spectator.  I remove myself from myself and then just politely, quietly watch. 

Not many people know this except for close personal friends. But I dreamed of Siegfried for years before we met.  Call me nuts, but really what use would it be. Anyway in these dreams he would murder me.  He was a serial killer, and he would come up to me and I would stand there knowing that he wouldn't hurt me, trusting him even though I knew I shouldn't and I would let him cut me down. 

He would start with my limbs slowly hacking away at me.  His face impassive and calm, indifferent.  He wasn't even really enjoying it, or paying attention truly.  He was performing a function.  And I endured it knowing that while I would die in one way, I would be reborn in another.  The sane would say that you stay away from the man that murdered you in your dreams.  I say I'm not sane and this was the path I needed to take.  Pain teaches so much more than pleasure does.  As far as my life up to this date has shown me at least.

Honestly I owe the man I'm divorcing a bit of gratitude.  I am just now becoming the woman I've always wanted to be.  And I never would've done it if he hadn't destroyed me emotionally to the point that I no longer wanted to live.  It made me find a reason to exist and forced me to find value within myself and not as a side car of what other people want from me.  The greatest gift a woman can ever give herself, is herself and herself alone.

And now my dreams are my own.  They are tempered with flirting, anticipation, longing, desire, waiting, anxiety, all of the delicious, delicious sensations that accompany being alive.  And now I'm starting to finish the dream, the one where Siegfried destroys me.  It doesn't end like I thought it did, but I never knew that before.  The pain of what I was enduring was always too much and I would end the dream early, well before he’s done killing me. You see, I always thought that this ended in my death and I always check out of dreams before I die in them.  Too Nightmare on Elm Street for me. But now, that I don’t fear the dying I can finish it, picking up from where he left off.

I watch as he pries out my heart and just holds it staring into my face waiting. Finally I yell at him to leave me alone, cursing at him, hating him.  He calmly tosses away my heart, gets up and leaves me lying there. I lay on the ground, my limbs scattered around me, they are burned and singed from my proximity to hell.  My eyes are closed and I weep, uncontrollable weeping.  But no motion, it hurts too much I can't bear the pain of crying as I normally would because heaving does me no good.  I turn to see tiny red demons with stubby limbs fighting over my heart.

Suddenly, the earth shatters around me and I hear him before he lands.  The sound of his wings ripping away as he falls cuts through my pain and stops my tears. I close my eyes as the lightning strikes, it tears up the sky and hurts to look at. And I can see him in my head, falling backwards through clouds, his black wings being torn from his back by the force of his falling. He folds his arms across his chest and lets himself fall.  His face is obscure because it’s being covered by his whipping hair. And then he's there. 

I can't see him, but I can feel him slowly putting me back together.  He starts with my legs, the putting together is almost more painful than the hacking off had been.  Because I can feel the burned torn flesh, I can feel the skin he peeled away from when Siegfried was pulling me apart.  I can feel the exposed nerves, the aching of my bones as they are being fused back together.  I feel the stranger’s hand at my brow. I want to open my eyes but I’m so afraid to stare into the face of my savior, so afraid to meet the man that will have all of me forever no matter what else is decided. He fell for me, what choice do I have. Not that I would choose anything else.  I feel his lips at my eyes telling me its okay not to look, and I feel him push my heart back into my chest. 


Through my pain I now know what to look forward to in pleasure.  I can feel it pour over me peeling away the marred, burned, sliced, and badly cauterized wounds the one who came before left.  This mystery coming into my life just unzips this heavy carcass of my despair, and carefully pulls me free from it.  Like a snake dropping its skin, my reconstructed form, starting with my feet he slowly pulls every part of me free.  His hands brushing away the debris slowly I feel the warmth of the sun combined with the coolness of water. The smell of burning flesh replaced with the onset of spring honeysuckle and lavender. Without a word, his lips to mine I am reborn.


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Monday, March 28, 2011

Of Love and Madness


It wasn't desperation, couldn't be desperation that makes me act.
It wasn't confusion, couldn't be confusion that makes me wait.
It wasn't masochism, couldn't be masochism that makes me hold on.

The thoughts swirl and mix.  Chemistry of the brain the scientists will call it.  This gland secretes this fluid, and the reaction is love.  This gland releases this hormone, and the change is lust. This enzyme is allowed to run free in your brain, and it manufactures hate. So very simple is it, in the end the things that power a being to move.  So very simple.

Your brain sends this signal, and your heart rate speeds up.  Your synapses process this change, and respond to make your sweat glands react. This reaction takes away from another, and your mouth goes dry.  This dryness triggers a response that dilates your eyes. The process for fear takes movement from your limbs.  The fluid secreted to minimize your movement and maximize your senses. Your senses expand making everything clearer.  Sense of taste, smell, sensation, hearing, even sight to tell the brain how next to respond.  What fluid to secrete. What enzyme to release. What sense to expand. What action to take next.  It's all a biological process that is easy to explain.  Why you feel the way you do.

Why do I feel the way that I do?  What process triggers that? What fluid is released and secreted? What change has happened to cause this to occur? Where did this start?  Not from a thought, not from a moment, no stimulation on my part.  It was the other one that started this.  What did they do to inject such intensity. Why with a look can the world shift on its axis? 

The science explains nothing. Instead just confirms my madness. It's incomplete this definition. Without a proper point of entry.  The big bang theory on love. It just happened without an impetus without a cause. There has to be another place, another wall; a path we haven't seen.  There has to be another channel another space that we can't perceive.

It wasn't desperation, couldn't be desperation
It wasn't confusion, couldn't be confusion
It wasn't masochism, couldn't be masochism

Does the oxygen in the air thin when they arrive?  The levels of carbon dioxide become greater, and takes away from the air quality. Maybe they exude a pheromone that causes my tongue to swell. Perhaps they have altered my gravity setting off an unerring chain reaction in my head; the brain seeks to protect itself from the heightened levels. Too much iron in their blood causing a magnetic response. Water, of course, they have lower or higher levels of water in their system. The hydrogen makes me light headed. It is a volatile element always on the brink of exploding.

Nonsense, foolish tripe, driveling nonsense. The elements don’t react that way.  The human form is not only a body.  It is a body, connected to a controlling conscious mind driven by an unseeable unphantomable force called a spirit. I would reason that while the body is ruled by the mind, and the mind has made itself a slave to reason, this spirit knows nothing of logic.  Logic this construct of man to give reason focus, and to relegate emotion to fantasy.  Something to sometimes indulge, but never take too seriously.  After all it bears no true weight and meaning.  And yet it explains all else that logic can't.

It wasn't desperation
It wasn't confusion
It wasn't masochism

I must call it madness. That's what any sensible human being calls it when it doesn't have a logical explanation.  Only that which is logical is sane.  Correct. . It wasn't...  Correct, logic is the only true answer.  In logic is reason, and reason has justification, reason has . . .  It wasn't . . . has the essence of life.  We have created so much on the back of reason. . .It wasn't ..love is just this fanciful idea. It's a theoretical theological myth. . . It wasn't . . . love doesn't happen this way in an instant.  It is cultivated over time, between two people with a wealth of common goals and interests and they. . . It wasn't  . . love each other because it's practical and beneficial.  That thing was just a chemical response, physiology and such . . . it wasn't. . .love.  It wasn't love, how could it be love. How could it be love?

How could it be anything but love?