Not A Sin (1992-1998)

Clash colored pencil drawn 1993

I’m sorry that I didn’t explain what last night meant
I simply wasn’t ready for the gift God sent
I thought that love had sirens and bells
Instead it’s like peace and only a kiss can tell
I thought I I’d know if it caught me in it’s hold
I figured I’d see it shine fierce like spun gold
But instead it crept up behind me frightened my heart
Made me believe that I was wrong this can’t be how it starts
Now months later I can’t explain the night at all
I just now that right when I pull away, I fall
When I hesitate my mind brings pain
When I doubt I feel no gain
So I torture myself and wonder at the fact
Could he really love this idiot this spoiled brat
This indecisive beast who plays the silliest games
This petty person that yelled over the ignorance of a name
I really don’t care how it started that night of before
I’m standing here in love and I’m terrified of opening the door
I give myself headaches, practically lose my mind
Did I really walk away from what I thought I’d never find
I comfort my heart with my imagination
Still wondering if God sent a man to see to my salvation
I feel unworthy, but I want it all so bad
I feel like a failure because the loss of love makes me sad
No one really cares about the state of anyone’s heart
All they care is if their words leave another dart
I’ll wake up tomorrow and start my fight again
And eventually I will understand that love is not a sin

My Excess (1992-1998)

Ruins painted 1996

I’d hold the key to your thoughts and fill them with me
Light another candle, offer salvation you can see
Lust after you from afar, wait and abide my time
But I’d never take your body without consideration for your mind.

I’d take your pain and let it rest beside mine in my heart
Destroy the cause and reason for it and gladly call it art
Let my soul calmly touch yours in the lightest kiss
But I’d never look you in the eye and pretend you don’t exist

I’d listen to your heart and tell mine to quiet
Blow my world apart and suffer in the silence
Give you a home by my side in my thoughts
But I’d never leave it open to be sold or bought

I’d kill to keep your heart from going cold
Destroy us both to love you
And fight the devil himself for your soul
But I’d never do anything you didn’t need me to do

I’d build, I’d destroy, I’d create, I’d deploy
I’d relish, I’d restore, I’d abolish, I’d ignore
Take you on as my ally and make the world itself our foe
But I’d never keep you chained to me if you needed me to let go.

In Love (1992-1998)

Waiting chalk pastels drawn in 1994

Before God and myself, I tell my story
Before my heart and my soul, I give leeway
Before this earth and it’s creatures, I hold court
I request a boon, a favor if you must
I ask only for forgiveness because it is necessary
I request love because it has all we have lost

In love there is faith, beautiful, glorious, blind faith
In love there is hope, a prayer for happiness beyond earthly confines
In love there is tolerance, differences matter not in it’s face
In love there is joy, an entity as elusive as wind, coming and going at it’s own pleasure
In love there is life, a gift we have forgotten to treat as such
In love there is beauty undeniable to the point of ensuing blindness
In love there is sorrow, without which the beauty does not exist
In love there is the essence of hell tempered by the breath of heaven
In love there is chaos, free as a bird, destructive as fear
In love there is peace, what we truly crave
In love is what I truly ask, don’t fear it’s gain, be terrified of it’s loss

So just be In Love.

Herself or Myself (1992-1998)

Misery painted 1998

I heard you cryin the other night and didn’t know what to do
I felt every tear every sigh, pouring through me and rip me in two
Once again the world has turned its back on you
Once again I stand paralyzed not knowing what to do

I saw you praying the other night and decided to do the same
I didn’t know what you were asking for so I asked for mercy in your name
Hoping God hasn’t become cruel and uncaring to your pain
Hoping He still feels for you and loves you just the same

I noticed the way you walk around now with your head down
I do it now like I’ve lost something special never to be found
Keeping it up high is too hard when you’re around
Keeping it up when all I want to do is let it hang down

I know he beat you once again the other night
I didn’t see him do it but the bruises tell the story on sight
Loving him isn’t going to make it all right
Loving him won’t make him stop hitting you at night

I swear someone was saying the meanest thing about you the other day
I stopped her immediately, told her there’s no base for what you say
Telling her didn’t do one good thing for you
Telling her wasn’t the main thing you needed me to do

I understand now why you and I get along so well
I never had anyone to come to my world and make it anything but hell
Knowing you let’s me see myself clearly
Knowing you helps me to appreciate the pain I hold so dearly

I believe I know how I can help give you back your world
I have a tale on how I got mine back that would make your toes curl
Walking through hell is the only way to salvation I know
Walking away from him is like leaving the last circle of Dante’s inferno

I promised myself that you’d never be hurt again, or was that for me
I can’t seem to separate between us and decide which of us should be free
Staying together on this is important for us
Staying together is the only way we can do what we must

I decided that it was past time that this whole affair came to an end
I want you tot know that the pain has to stop so your heart can mend
Leaving your pain isn’t the answer to your question
Leaving the source of your pain is the way to your hearts protection

I need you to comprehend that this pain you must keep
I tell you it is the reminder you’ll need so this mistake you won’t repeat
Holding the pain will keep you alive as everything else goes cold
Holding the pain will be the spark to make sure you always keep fire in your soul

I stand here now before you with hope in my eyes and both hands held out
I offer you now the method in which to rid yourself of horror and doubt
Standing before you is the life that doesn’t belong to anyone else
Standing beside you is where together we will journey to find ourself.

After Some Time (1992-1998)

Misery painted in 1998

Maybe in awhile we can talk to each other again

Maybe one day we can discuss where together we’ve been

Maybe in time we can work something out

Maybe soon you’ll stop looking at me with doubt


After some time maybe you can trust me once more

After some time maybe you will realize that I was never a whore


Maybe in the future you’ll look at me with trust

Maybe after a while you’ll know I was never ruled by lust

Maybe before it’s over I can bring the joy back to your world

Maybe before its too late you’ll realize I was the only girl


After some time maybe we won’t decide to be apart

After some time maybe you’ll start listening to your heart


I can only say maybe when I’m not sure what’s to come

I can only make a bet on chances that are second to none

I can only hope that you trust the feelings for me you find

I can only ask you for those things after some time

Not Another Bodice Ripper - The Case for Serious Romance

THE INTRODUCTION
Romance in general has always prescribed to formulas. Ask any literary agent who religiously sticks to what sells, and any aspiring romance novelist that would like to change things up. Romance novel trends seem to hate change more than any other genre. It is ironic then that it is the category of fiction that needs a makeover the most. However not truly in style, just in the context this style is delivered and perceived.

THE ISSUE
Romance has always suffered from a fallacy of perception as the people who don't actually read the genre seem to have the most to say about their inefficiency as a viable form of fiction. Yet in their vaulted wisdom of what is literary genius, and what is the lowest common denomination of literary fair, I must broach some fallacies of logic. Most high brow fiction involves some version of a love affair. The difference is usually how sexual interactions are portrayed if they are even portrayed.

THE COMPETITION
I think of some proverbial heavyweights of fiction such as Charles Dickens, Earnest Hemingway, and even Jane Austen. In their stories they seem to have very austere, pre-described, and idealized versions of love being portrayed. This is in some terms a 'clean' ethereal based love that only leaves a mess of the tongue and not of the person in a literal sense. The characters generate more passion for misplaced ideas than they do for the presence of another. Is it this sense of high dungeon that produces literary excellence?

In some instances in Hemingway's work for example there are clear overtones of a consuming misogyny as women can be easily trapped in a box and label of a mother, or a whore. It's always painfully Freudian when they end up as both, and thus rendered perfect. Yet this somehow manages to always be observed as part of the literary genius. The analogous representation of the purity of story because of the personalization of sexuality that is hardly ever actually realized just theorized.

THE THEORY
In some ways I believe the bias towards romance is a much deeper seated issue of humanity's perception of itself. The baser instincts of mating that romance points out are seen as 'immature' and 'unrefined' for many. Physical desire is usually seen as an indication of a simple beast instead of a hallmark of one in tune with the nature of whom and what it actually is. Human beings are mammals, and in many situations that animal instinct and urge is much more reliable in choosing a mate than a pros and cons list. The feeling is that romance makes absurd assumptions about this level of attraction and magnetism. That this 'animal' urge cannot be the basis to eventually grow into a deep and abiding love because love is something of a human nature, and not an animal one.

People with pets will tell you how well animals know love. Better sometimes than other human beings. They don't go with logic that their love will be returned. They operate on instinct, sometimes presenting themselves to an owner unsolicited on the street. This is how they love. Why is the idea that human love can be similar so seemingly odd? Or maybe they just have issues with the sex.

THE ANSWER
Love is a personal endeavor no matter how universal television commercials would like it to seem. The nature of it is idealized for some, and wide open for others. The truth is when writing about something as profoundly intimate as love, it is really bad form to try and relate love in another voice or fashion other than your own. The truth and charm to a story comes from that bit of truth that is included. That bit of truth is the relatable aspect of any story. This is the core of your own voice as a writer. Regardless of how many people 'understand' your character's plight or not, the truth of the situation will ring forth and give the story just the push it needs to really fly.

With that in mind it is very bad form for generalists to assume that a certain plotline or story premise is in line with any pre-described social agenda. The liberation of women was just that, liberation. Liberation is the right to make choices. A woman can decide if she would like to be a public figure or a private one. A woman can choose to vote, bear children, and get married or not. The claim that the creation of or reading of romance somehow 'tricks' women into believing in self destructive rhetoric is almost more offensive than any other misogynic claim as it actually feeds into the myth that women are incapable of processing thought beyond what they know to be a fictitious account.

In laymen's terms, the claim in essence says that a grown woman is not capable of separating fantasy from reality. This is a claim usually attached to mental illness, and honestly makes light of conditions suffered by those who have legitimate hormonal imbalances, injuries or birth defects that are associated with mental illness. Reading romance is not an illness. Also it no more detracts from feminist prose as it would add to it. With that being said, no romance is the same. Like all forms of entertainment and media there are levels of content. No two books actually read the same.

The romance formula is very easy to follow. Usually two people, and in recent entries sometimes more, have a great potential for a romantic relationship. They must confront each other and often times the results are not initially positive. That is because of individuality. This is an aspect of romance that is explored more than it is in some of its traditional fiction contemporaries. You have the dichotomy of a relationship as opposed to the relationship being a side car to the dichotomy of the story. In the end the essence of the story is to confront relationship boundaries and expose them. This is a very emotional plane of existence that can sometimes hold the same trauma as a tragedy. And it should. Love is a life changing event. Seeking to experience it, and be bound to another person for all time is also a life changing event. As far as I know not a single life changing event has ever gone quietly and without lessons in humility and shame. These are human emotions that bear the weight in most situations. Yet in love they are the core of what this entanglement is about.

The way a writer creates this is wide open. This sense of growing affection and intimacy is developed from one thing and one thing only, seeing the person for who they are and loving them because or despite it. This is a truth that romance novelists understand that is rarely examined in most contemporary literature where relationships seem to be of convenience and not of necessity. Others are forced attachments where the characters are bound by seemingly invisible tendrils of emotion that are strong enough to bond yet not strong enough to carry the story.

To some degree the emergence of more acceptable contemporary popular fiction, and the need to be perceived a certain way by others has taken the blush from the rose as far as sweeping love relationships are concerned. Romance novels have long been the butt of literary jokes and recently in a twisted parody of art imitating life some have even endeavored to live up to this reputation of being incomprehensible smut with bad punctuation and grammar. But what are the far reaching consequences to this? This seeming end to fairytale as it were that now blocks the heart from even seeking some idealized contentment. Is it this lack of 'romance' being taken seriously in day to day life that has enabled a lack of respect for sex, marriage, and all romantic relationships? Has the 'replaceable' mate taken the place of the 'irreplaceable' mate?

Today more than ever in a world of revolving doorlike changes we need the purity of actual romance.

Have you ever wanted. . .

Have you ever wanted to love?

I mean really love.  

Not that bullshit your last failed relationship was but an honest to goodness meeting of heart and soul. A merging of two spirits to form a complete whole.  

Have you ever wanted to really understand that connection that core deep binding to someone where you know if you breathe they feel it. 

Beyond logical response or restraint. 

Beyond those simpletons that complain about how hard relationships are because oh no someone actually cares about what happens to you and wants to see you as you are without boundaries and borders.

Have you ever wanted to know in your heart, your soul, your gut that they are there and they are always on your team?

You give and try to build with shallow selfish children that listen to their id when you are listening to their hearts. 

Have you ever wanted to defy what people tell you about men and women and how they have to interact?

Move away from those dull shallow attachments that have no clue that true intimacy doesn't involve sex it involves pain.

Sharing of pain, of life of death of true emotion.

Its the sharing of life as it comes passion, creation being.

Its standing emotionally naked and bare before their eyes open and weeping without shame or fear.

Its knowing that the intimacy you are giving, the glimpse into the most innocent and vulnerable part of you is not going to be casually ripped apart by the mewling discord of an emotionally crippled vagrant. 

So would I.

Sacrifice. . Not a Good Idea

Sacrifice

The biggest lie ever told to us that we constantly tell ourselves is that the height of true love is the act of sacrificing your own happiness for another's.  Its sounds so very noble and gallant doesn't it?  Very Christian, for God so loved the world he sacrificed his only son. The truth is that we are not gods; we are mortal beings with finite existences and a limited amount of time to achieve a sense of true self and happiness.

True selflessness doesn't come from sacrifice to another for the sake of love. This is an egotistical idea and is based in an exaggerated sense of self-importance and aggrandization. It is an ego trick that we play on ourselves to attempt to trap another person in our lives. True selflessness comes from existing as you are created, as you are, and being willing to give as much of who you are to the world as possible.  Thus the idea of being without self. 

Mermaid Sacrifice

You are not you, but everyone. Fulfilling your needs is just as important as everyone else's because we are one. Selfless. Please keep in mind that this message is coming from a romance writer. I love the idea of the big sacrifice, but I'm a realist and I believe in love as it is more than the love of a nihilistic ideology fairytales and religion have peppered us with for decades now.

This supposed sacrifice is instead just the opposite of true nobility.  It is not a sacrifice but an attempt at martyrdom to attain some unseen prize that only the person claiming the sacrifice can truly name. But what do they really attain?  Resentment.  When you have sacrificed all that brings you happiness and joy for someone people have unrealistic expectations about what the outcome of that should be.  How is the other person supposed to respond?  Is there any response that is good enough?  Just death right?

Seppuku

I think back to the days of samurai.  They would commit ritual suicide before suffering the humiliation of losing a battle.  How many people died this way without accomplishing anything.  The margin of error is too small and unrealistic. It is something that has always been held as a brave and honorable act to willingly face your own death without flinching when a grave injustice has been done. 

But when the injustice is only to pride and ego, where is the glory gained? This was an act of extreme cowardice.  Instead of learning and growing from a lost battle, these men refused to endure the momentary sting of shame from loss and instead chose to end their lives. They let a simple perception of ego self devalue the entirety of their lives to that point.  I believe people do this in regards to relationships as well and it is equally cowardly.

Resentment

We all know relationships are hard work.  But we as people enjoy work.  What we don't always enjoy is the work that is available to us.  This is where we need to talk about the difference between people who work fueled by passion and people who are passionate about work.  Because there is a reason besides monetary gain that work as an institution exists. We need it.  Our souls, our bodies, our minds need the constant interaction and adjusting.  Our greatest strength is our adaptability. So we must flex this muscle often.

We are different each and every one of us.  Some of us work tirelessly fueled by our passion to work while others are passionate about working. I think most people can be separated into these two quadrants.

People who are fueled by passion for their work are an odd breed.  Artsy, athletic, doers who need to feel like what they are doing carries some importance and weight.  Beyond that they self identify in a lot of ways with what they are doing for a living. Its' not a job its a part of who they are.

Inexplicable Superhero Couple Nightwing and Starfire

When fueled by passion to work the relationships need to embody similar principles or it will not work. They don't have to be identical, however the core beliefs have to center around work being a craft that is constantly growing and changing.  Renewal is very important with these types.  Understanding of temperament and the occasional huff about nothing at all. They need an air of excitement and mystery.  A hint of constant revolution and change. A keen understanding of something not just being done right, but as close to perfect as humanly possible.  

Those with a passion to work can do nearly any job that gives them the basic things they need.  These people are luckier when it comes to relationships because they like the work of being in a relationship as opposed to how the work identifies them. They are truly the love the one you’re with type. They like the structure of someone to come home to.  The idea routine of knowing how the night is going to end and the next day is going to begin.  They enjoy the simple pleasures of life.  Human companionship, warmth and those stresses of day-to-day life because they are service oriented.

The key to understanding what relationships work best for you is understanding what work is best for you.  Often you’ll find people in a dead end job they hate in a relationship that is only slightly better.  Sometimes they have an amazing job and their relationships suffer, or vise versa. But in this work life which shows what people are willing to do for what they need is the key to what they need to be happy in all aspects of their lives.

Avoid resentment and live for yourself.  Understand what you need in a relationship and why it makes you happy.  Compromise is path to self-delusion.  You should always love the work to the point that is doesn’t feel like a job and never settle for something less.  Know that your happiness is worth the wait and whether in a relationship or not, you will have it.

Sacrifice courtesy of https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcTbNWUfjyU5iSu7ppSW6Yehl5IkJB_ZWtn3NXo5nY13l1dyqtqxZhgwh3qv6eXSX2wRKqOhmi4nulVWXSB_g0QPx5X7ri6a6dci_SLgnAEOuwILpylwEY1i6_vSJee85uB2IMgsCM5W8A/s1600/crossman.jpg

Mermaid Sacrifice courtesy of http://digital-art-gallery.com/oid/77/640x419_13593_The_Sacrifice_of_The_Little_Mermaid_2d_fantasy_illustration_mermaid_sea_storm_fairy_tale_shipwreck_picture_image_digital_art.jpg

Resentment courtesy of http://www.sadmuffin.org/pinkforsure/graphics/photography-quotes/resentment.gif

Seppuku courtesy of http://hoffstrizz.typepad.com/.a/6a0128773aba66970c0134854417e4970c-800wi

Inexplicable Superhero couple: Nightwing and Starfire courtesy of http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3cfjk65tu1qc7r93o1_500.png

A Little Romance courtesy of http://deals.westin.com/uploadedfiles/SOP/Westin_Santa_Fe/romance.jpg

Revenge . . The Dish Best Not Served

Television Show

I think as a culture we have a fascination with revenge.  We like the idea of the bad guy getting their just desserts. It’s a common theme in film, television, literature, and all forms of media.  Our stories are built on determining who is the good guy and who is the bad guy.  We like being able to assign blame and fault.  We like being right. And oh we love to see the outcome of such acts.  It's this subconscious verification that the universe does doll out the appropriate payment for certain actions.  Even though we know life isn't fair we are constantly seeking proof to the contrary.  So much so that we ourselves are willing to do the dirty work if the Universe seems stalled.

The only issue with this is that too often in our daily lives we can manufacture villains when there are not any.  We can seek someone who we feel deserves revenge when the only faults they truly have are being human. 

Being human is a tricky thing and what I feel provides most of the trouble.  We are in truth simple dumb beasts in a lot of ways.  We just so happen to also be very clever ones. We have encased ourselves into our environment in a way that makes it easy to forget that. Our ideas are shaped by our environment and culture.  We are easy to program through media and being constantly plugged in.

Brain Processing

Many studies have proven that being constantly inundated with specific patterns of thought and ideas has a lasting effect on how we view and deal with the world. Only with a lot of work can this be altered or even deterred.  Even so, exposure to any form of media for a long period of time has a lasting effect.

I think of how stories from the Bible have influenced the creation of our society and developed laws. From the creation of fairytales and how they have shaped thoughts and ideas about male and female relationships to how the voyeuristic nature of reality TV has created this subsection with this social media explosion we are currently in the middle of. We are constantly being influenced on how to think, what to think, and what to believe.

What terrifies me is how few people understand that in reality there is a very specific core group of individuals that get to decide what type of influences we get. Thus they are shaping the world in their image.  Slowly filling all of our minds with what they want humanity to be. What you see is what they want you to see, and how they want you to see it. In many ways the explosion of social media is the only thing that is breaking through the illusion cast by forms of organized media. However it is through this lens we can sometimes clearly see the effect of other forms of media on our thinking.

Social Media and the Brain

There are fascinating bodies of work being built based on social media sites and the things people feel comfortable expressing on them.  Clearly we see our culture and its concerns with discrimination, equality, and finance.   We live in a world where by a chance of bonding in a statement that is only 144 characters long a nobody can speak to a media icon. A world where 1000s of miles can vanish and you can have a face-to-face conversation through a machine. With our innovations however our basic make-up and what we need in a story or a plotline has not changed, just the way we deploy it.

But isn't this really the problem.  A lot of who we are as humans has not changed.  And now we can see ourselves clearly.  And even more impressive future generations will be able to catalogue some of our lives in intimate detail because we have become intimate with our communication methods and devices. We have not actually grown into our technology, it has grown despite us. And I believe it will inevitable force us to grow as we are creating a symbiotic union with technology.

Previous versions of humanity never had what we now have, a true reflection of the soul.  It began millennia ago with art, the need to create. It wobbled its first steps with the development of religion, absolute truths that we made ourselves believe so that we could learn to think. It matured in government, policy, and the creation of a ruling class. It manifest in social groupings, nationalities, our ability to separate used to extreme discretion. Its focus narrows in communities, chosen professions, supply and demand systems to fulfill our own wants and needs. And it completes the circle coming back to one and the reflection is finally clear, each moment documented and preserved by a system that unlike us will not forget our history.  Finally forcing us to not do the same.

I know what you're thinking, revenge is the topic. True but we can't delve into revenge until we understand perspective.  This plays a crucial role in determining what actions deserve to be avenged. Everyone has a point of no return action that takes mild mannered you and replaces it with bug ass nuts Batman. For most people it involves any hurt coming to loved ones whether on purpose or not.

The Question

The issue is that almost everything negates the thought that accidents are blame free. It negates that sometimes $#!& happens. While there are cases of obvious negligence, sometimes accidents just happen and yet we need to find fault. If not there wouldn't need to be so many lawyers on TV advertising their services for accidents. Clearly they can afford advertising it's a profitable business.  But why?  The need to assign blame, fault, and ultimately gain revenge.  The just desserts of the bad guy.  Because for humans bad things can't just happen. Someone has to make them happen.  And in a decent amount of cases this is true.  But not all of the time. Sometimes things are inexplicable and we should be damned glad that they are.

What is really gained?  A sense of satisfaction for setting right a wrong? What validation is the revenge seeker getting?  Well clearly how our society views this is at work.  We are social creatures, and the smug sense of knowing that you did 'the right thing' by the standards of others is sometimes too hard to resist, and is usually a good thing. 

The Crow

But the concept of revenge has usually been the deed of a villain not a hero. However our society has developed the anti-hero.  The concept that the bad guy can now be the good guy.  I believe this is a reflection of humanity coming to terms with itself. Now that our mirrors are so clear we can't be coerced to forget, and the little slips in history can't be covered like it was hundreds of years ago.  We have only been told noble stories of noble past deeds.  The truth is most likely closer to what we can now see.

The truth is, no one can be all good all of the time.  We all fall, we all are capable and sometimes unknowingly wrong someone.  But in a world where even accidents can be blamed on someone, you no longer have good guys.  You just have people making mistakes so tales of atonement become pressingly more popular. We can't be perfect, but the world still has to be fair.  You must pay your dues and gain atonement. Black and white is torn asunder and you are left with multi-tonal gray. 

Gray feels messy, unbalanced.  Shocking when the world used to be so stark.  It confuses you, it makes you uncomfortable.  The lines before were so very clear and now not at all. Eventually you realize black and white was too binding, gray is an excellent color. 

And Always

Gray accounts for mistakes, accidents, and well-intentioned mishaps.  It opens the door to no one being denied forgiveness or salvation. In gray is all of our hopes and dreams, true acceptance among each other. 

Gray doesn't really need revenge. Revenge is a residual response from those black and white days. Gray just needs solutions to existing problems.  You aren't being held accountable for anything but your own actions. And even those can be managed.  Give time a shot at it, amazing things happen in time. Because somewhere along the way of our journey to what we are now, time somehow managed to show us that.

Glorious Shades of Gray

And Always courtesy of http://www.leadliaison.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/use-marketing-automation-to-avoid-human-error.jpg

Brain Processing courtesy of http://www.disruptionmanifesto.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Slide7.jpg

Social Media and the Brain courtesy of http://johnbell.typepad.com/weblog/images/2008/09/04/pr_brain2.jpg

The Crow courtesy of http://www.dumage.com/img/fun/righteous-anti-heroes-in-movies/righteous-anti-heroes-in-movies01.jpg

Glorious Shades of Gray courtesy of http://www.seducingwithstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/shades-of-black-and-grey-1024x789.jpg

The Question courtesy of http://freetheanimal.com/images/2012/10/Screen-Shot-2012-10-28-at-1.02.14-PM.png

12/12/12 @ 12:12AM EST

I told myself I wanted to write and post a blog on 12/12/12 at 12:12 AM.  I didn’t know what to talk about.  Lately my mind has been set to magic.  Not just any magic but that special magic that can happen between a man and a woman.  Love is my thing so I stay the course.

Recently I had to make some very pertinent decisions in regards to my own love life or lack there of.  They say that in order to let something wonderful come into your life you have to be willing to let something equal or more go.  That’s what I did.  I feel bereft, a little lost, somewhat foolish.  It’s a step in a direction that I haven’t ever really taken.  I’m finally committing to letting go of all that has previously held me back and relying on the compassion of Fate to not leave me out in the cold over it.

I believe we all have an innate fear of walking away from a situation that isn’t really working. I think we get so used to things not working that it becomes all we know.  It’s familiar and we don’t like change.  So when something is just even slightly better than we’ve ever known, we settle.  And when we settle we have to convince ourselves of our choice constantly.  We are constantly trying to reinforce the idea that this is what we really want and we should fight for it because it can’t get better.  That is a lie and an illusion.  Irony is the fact that we never doubt that things can get worse, however we hardly ever believe things can get better.

It’s hard because I’ve known such high moments of better when it comes to love.  My first serious relationship break-up is one of the loveliest bittersweet moments of my life.  The breakup of my marriage, my most devastating. My committed relationships have been few and far between.  There have been 2. Then like everyone else the ones I wanted and could never have, the ones that got away, the ones I squandered, and ones where commitment was never the goal. But regardless of the status, the emotional intensity was of a caliber that I can’t settle anymore.

The result is a woman that no matter her level of loneliness or desire for a relationship, does not lie to herself about the feeling behind a potential encounter.  And I know how lucky I’ve been that somehow the things I’ve known have lit a furnace within me that doesn’t leave me to seek empty relationships and sexual experiences to warm me.  I know what the real thing feels like, what it sounds like and how it moves. I won’t cheapen that knowledge and the pains and joys I experienced to gain it by accepting whatever happens to be there.  The past is useful because it builds discernment. The trick is managing to not live in the past because it may not seem like it but the past takes up so much space.

So on this magical day where numerologists are doing handstands I will speak on the biggest miracle of all. Love, true blinding lasting love that burns for an eternity without fail or end.  There is a thing that defines actual possession.  It is a sense of belonging to another not thru simple words, honor, or mentally judged dedication.  It is a deep soul knowledge that cannot be displaced by space or time. It is a fact, a law of nature.  The only thing that prevents us from all living in this space is our own denial of its existence. 

So on this magical day recite this out loud so I may curse you with love’s glorious fury and sublime subjugation.

I wish you the love you need, not the love you seek

I wish you the joy of divinity, not what people speak

I wish you the cradle of belonging, instead of striving to fit in

I wish you the grace of nature’s magic, let your new life begin

So go out and fall in love and if already are. . . Fall HARDER. .

Always w/ love,

Sue

In Love

I wrote this when I was 16, in love for the first time and just not understanding of the ways of the world, of suffering and strife.  It made me feel like I was being spoken to by some thing beyond me and that it was a lesson to remember.  So I give these words to you.  May they fill you with the hope and joyous sense of wonder I found myself paralyzed with as a teenager when I reread it nearly nightly.  

Before God and myself, I tell my story

Before my heart and my soul, I give leeway

Before this earth and it’s creatures, I hold court

I request a boon, a favor if you must

I ask only for forgiveness because it is necessary

I request love because it has all we have lost

In love there is faith, beautiful, glorious, blind faith

In love there is hope, a prayer for happiness beyond earthly confines

In love there is tolerance, differences matter not in it’s face

In love there is joy, an entity as elusive as wind, coming and going at it’s own pleasure

In love there is life, a gift we have forgotten to treat as such

In love there is beauty undeniable to the point of ensuing blindness

In love there is sorrow, without which the beauty does not exist

In love there is the essence of hell tempered by the breath of heaven

In love there is chaos, free as a bird, destructive as fear

In love there is peace, what we truly crave

In love is what I truly ask, don’t fear it’s gain, be terrified of it’s loss

So just be      In Love.

Perfect Wants and Enlightening Needs

Reality

When I'm writing a romance I try and keep a few concepts mutually exclusive. The concepts are what people want in a relationship and what they need.  We'll call them perfect 'want' and enlightening 'need'. I've never really believed that these ideas coincide. But in the world of romance they must go hand and hand because you're not just telling a heart love story, you're telling a head love story and the characters being together has to make sense to the reader before they do to the characters.  Keeps the reader.. . reading if for no other reason than to have the "I told you so!" moment at the end. I want my readers to feel like these characters are friends of theirs that for some reason haven't figured it out yet.

Fables Cover
Great comic series that reinvents fairytales

I always wanted to write a more realistic version of the love story and not the inexplicable clusterfuck some of our fairytales are. Which fairytales are the beginning of the perfect 'want' concept in my opinion. So he's rich, he's a prince and he wants that little step kid. .. nah. So I make sure my characters at least hint to these ideas in past relationships.  I wanted this but this person wasn't who I thought they were is another way of saying you never really knew them.  You in essence projected your ideas and thoughts onto them until the costume you dressed them in fell off.

The issue comes with desire, want, satisfaction, and need.  We are currently a society that focuses on want, desire, satisfaction, and yet we usually frown on need. The feeling of saying and thinking it leaves many of us with the sour taste of getting good socks for Christmas instead of toys as children. We didn't want the socks we needed, we wanted the Tonka truck (And yes I know I'm a girl, but I really did!).

We all have different ways of understanding ourselves through these urges. Some of us have taught ourselves to ignore or quell them, others to go in full hog. It asserts itself in how and why we begin relationships with each other. Whether friendly, romantic, business, we have an idea of what we would like to accomplish with someone else and how they should respond in certain situations. But in many cases, such as personal relationships, we have a tendency to overlook and downplay actions and attitudes of a person because they fit a 'mold' of who we want to be seen as in a relationship with, instead of just understanding that their mold really doesn't fit our mold.

Oh yeah Mr. Tonka truck!

I think in love especially people go after what they believe they want in a relationship and ignore a lot of what life has shown them they need.  That stable nice guy just feels like Christmas socks and Bad boy McGee over there, Tonka truck all the way. Just a loose example. I won't say one sex will do it more or less than another but certain personalities will justify any activity sometimes to maintain this idea of a perfect 'want' all the while ignoring enlightening 'need'.

So what is perfect 'want'. I have always made the concept of perfect 'want'an attainable fantasy.  This means that while we all have this fantasy life that contains our perfect everything, we all know deep down inside that this person is a myth.  They are in fact a fantasy.  So instead we have the concept of perfect 'want'. This is the person that is just close enough that you can forgive pretty much any henious actions or crimes to be with them.  But at the end of the day, the issue is not who they are, its' who you want them to be. Their actions notwithstanding, the person who is in love with their perfect 'want' is wooed by the idea that they have their perfect person.  It stands because they so badly want this person to be perfect so in essence they become that in their eyes.

Hey Cat!

But hidden in the closet of perfect 'want' is the inability to sometimes be perfectly honest with yourself.  Most people have a list of activities and characteristics they believe the perfect person for them should have.  I think most people should shove that away for a minute and find out what attributes the perfect person for you should have in your mother's eyes, or your best friend.  The people who actually love you as you are in a none romantic sense. Because if at no point in time does the characteristics you set and someone who knows you well sets line up..  there is a problem and you will find yourself to be very susceptible to flights of perfect 'want'.

Want?

Flights of perfect 'want' end in tragedy usually.  It's hard to make relationships with an idea work because the idea isn't an idea, it's a human being and sooner or later who they are will rip free from the idea. There are occasions when everything lines up and people actually find the idea person who is actually the right person. No fuss, no muss, together forever. But I write romance so that doesn't make for a very interesting story.  What I like to write about and what I find more interesting is enlightening 'need'.

Well if you're thinking enlightening 'need' is the opposite of perfect 'want' then you are already thinking correctly about it. Enlightening 'need' is the opposite.  This is the person that somehow manages to make you see them and through them, yourself. If perfect 'want' is the attainable fantasy then enlightening 'need' is the fleeting reality. That person looks a lot more like who your mother would pick, or your best friend. But this is a reality that you have to know because sometimes friends and family can be blinded by their own ideas of perfect 'want' for you and have not acknowledged your enlightening 'need'. Its not a logical thought or choice but an internal sense of knowing.  Sometimes you can't connect any reason why they are the one.  They just are. Somehow without being told they know what you really need and provide it whether you want it or not.

Enlightenment

For every person, just like the perfect 'want' it's different. It is a process that is discovered over time because nooks and crannies need to fit.  I'm not talking about tab A slot B, I mean that's nice too, but the other things need to fit first.  And not what you would choose to fit, but the things that you have to begrudgingly admit must fit. Because you'll be amazed at how well tab A and slot B fit together when you line everything else up first and see if they mesh. You can change your mind about where you live, not about who you are.

It seems in the end the difference lies in the proof and that's in the pudding.

Hmm pudding.. I digress.



The proof lies in your heart, not your mind because the impossible doesn't make sense until after it's done. (wink)

Grab one of my books as a how-to guide and get out there and get what you need.


Photo Credits:

Reality courtesy of: http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1332/1190818714_59b75ec2c2.jpg

Fables Cover courtesy of: http://media.dcentertainment.com/sites/default/files/book-covers/2361_400x600.jpg

Tonka truck courtesy of: http://jesda.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/wpid-tonka-large-vintage-very-old-metal-tonka-dump-truck_320621611820-2011-02-10-01-08.jpg

Hey Cat! courtesy of: http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/c48.0.403.403/p403x403/297068_434802666558608_1960376484_n.jpg

Want? courtesy of: http://imgc.allpostersimages.com/images/P-473-488-90/61/6150/GQCG100Z/posters/leo-cullum-they-don-t-keep-you-on-a-leash-because-they-want-you-to-run-away-cartoon.jpg

Enlightenment courtesy of: http://nickstlee.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/i_love_you____pon_and_zi_by_ladyselena.jpg

Pudding courtesy of: http://free-extras.com/images/pudding-5712.htm

Too Much To Lose

Too Much To Lose

Woman!

Too much to lose.  This was a concept I had a hard time understanding when years ago I spoke about subjects like, racism, sexism, and hatred with one of the most enlightened souls live ever known.  I would ask, how can you justify that kind of hate?  Why do people even feel that way?  I could almost understand if personal experience turned a person a certain way.  But in the end a wrong was done to you by a particular person, not an entire group of people.  How?

Racist Dog!

Too much to lose was all he said.  I walked away that day not sure what he meant. It took years before it truly sunk in. What he meant was that the person in the position of privilege had too much to lose in admitting the truth. If you stop and really place yourself in that situation it becomes so clear.  And I reflected on key life experiences that shaped my intolerance to hate and I applied that thought to why I was being treated so very poorly by so many people who I was told were ‘good, decent people.’

My best friend when I was 5 condemned me to hell because I wasn’t Catholic.

The Sunday school teacher who reprimanded me as a blasphemer for saying I wanted to be like Jesus, yet the white male next to me was commended for the thought.

The 1^st grade teacher who accused me of cheating on an aptitude test.

The school in Mansfield Texas that sent me immediately to remedial classes on sight even though they originally were going to add me to advanced classes because of my grades.

My first crush that was told he wasn’t allowed to play with me anymore.

The girl I defended from school bullies who was told she wasn’t allowed to play with me.

The boys who pretended to not like me in front of other people.

Just in Case

The coworkers who would question and downplay my work ethic while admitting that I produced over 30% of all work done by a 5 person team.

The grown men claiming that we are incompatible when all else says otherwise.

Every single instance that made me feel ugly, dirty, marginal, and in no way American was based on this idea of having too much to lose.  They claim that there is enough pie for everyone, but they never act like it do they?  Too much to lose.

Somehow my makeup, in essence, the things I am good at was not something that someone like me was supposed to be good at.  And it was not really a judgment against me personally as much as it was condemnation of everything this person has come to use as valuable life information.  My existence was this antithesis of what they held dear and in that moment they needed to find out the ‘truth’.  However this is one of those growth equations.  If you actually seek the truth you do it by discovering, not by proving.  In proving a truth you have already prescribed to a method to allowing hate free reign in your heart and your life.

When you have too much to lose, like an idea of right and wrong.  A theory on why some people have and some don’t have, the most terrifying idea in the world is that it isn’t true.  This wrecks realities and brings you face to face with your own biases and prejudices.  It tears you down to your core functions and makes you ask, why me, and not them.  And the answer isn’t good enough because you come to realize how unstable the entire belief system is.

In a country that built itself on the back of a lie that somehow people have been ‘marked’ better than other people to the point that its forbearers enslaved and breed one people while systematically hunting and killing another, is there anything more frightening than the idea that it was only a chance of Fate that you ended up on the ‘winning’ side.  

Real Americans

Is there any wonder with such an auspicious beginning we find ourselves in such a destructive cycle?  What we have built is a house on a foundation so flimsy that the lightest touch can barrel it over.  So we shore it with more lies, bind it with half-truths, and then seal it with a prayer of vaulted authority promising the foundation is firm.  After a while you forget that it was all an illusion and you start to believe the lie is the truth and that’s when we find ourselves in this mess of compounded lie upon lie cause no one remembers that it was all a lie to begin with so you stop shoring it, expecting it to stand on its own.  You let the binds break because it’s firm, but you still seal it with your prayer of authority. 

God?!?! You've Changed!

They say, by dictate of God, this is as it should be, as He wills it, because freewill is a lie of the devil.  After all God couldn’t be sitting back letting the dirty and pure muck it out together so that each person can know the content and character of their own soul, sorting themselves as they live in each other’s midst.  Surely he would keep the good, the clean, and the righteous together so that they aren’t tainted by the other element.  Because of course, it’s so easy to corrupt the pure. 

Too much too lose, I’m better than you, and God has made it so. So I get to tell you what to do, God has made it so.  You blasphemer, my God will strike you down, your deeds should lay unforgiven; my God will smite thee to honor my grace.  My God has empowered me to speak for Him.  Yes my God is a him; He bids me to tell you that He’s your God as well, so I have dominion over you.

Carlin

Funny I never wanted God to strike down anyone for me.  Instead I wanted them to learn from their mistakes and live a better life.  And in so many things. .. there in lies the difference.  Never for me, or for them, these people or those people. . .always for us. .

And like a house of cards it comes tumbling down.

Racist Dog Courtesy of http://dailybail.com/storage/racist_dog.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1281464059133

Just in Case Courtesy of http://abagond.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/racism-just-in-case.jpg

Woman! Courtesy of http://ivysays.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/tumblr_kxm4p6ot0u1qa49tx1.jpg

Carlin Courtesy of http://newhumanist.org.uk/images/Carlincropped.jpg

God!?!? You've Changed! Courtesy of http://www.inquisitr.com/wp-content/2012/06/morgan-freeman-god.jpg

Real Americans Courtesy of https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn029bmeiYDVJh6axhosWoKoizpMWN0npkE-E-bphyphenhyphenHPTXy4j58D-2k62dNfzBVZvpq12gYCga5VTzutUVzBlszENWQS3E7_74DuRag-kirzfevM_P1n7ocSlQTMRigi-_3FhzpLmtARI/s1600/political-pictures-real-americans-scary.jpg