Ah the magical wonderful world of online dating. I've realized that it’s like a seasonal
sport. There are peak times and lulls. Right now is apparently one of my peak
times. Probably has something to do with
my something being trined with my Venus, Ascendant, who knows. I have a couple
of profiles that I leave open here and there because it pleases me. I used to forget about them until someone
messaged me and then I would reluctantly pull one down. Then I decided to start letting them stay
unchanged in cyber space as like a letter to myself. Each one catalogues an
interesting phase in my life and how I felt about men, dating, and love. Believing in love is very important for a
romance novelist, so I often use these sites to challenge the belief in love
others have.
Over the years I've learned a few things about online dating
habits, especially where I'm concerned.
Very rarely does anyone who habitually dates online expect to meet the
other person. I think it has a little to do with many people not looking at all
like the picture they used for scoring a date.
I think it has more to do with the interesting relationships we as human
beings develop with technology such as our personal computers. I think to the
writings of Sherry Turkle and how she has managed to admit something that we as
human beings seem not to be able to do just yet. This is the thought that a
computer is a very personal and intimate device. Just think in a day how many times you touch
one in comparison to touching another person. As I type this, I feel how my fingertips
brush over the keys, lightly with just enough pressure to cause it to react.
I've conditioned myself to respond to it in a certain way. And unlike people, if you manage it in just
the right way it will always do exactly what you want precisely without that
loss of interpretation between you and what someone else sees or hears. It
builds this shell of safety and comfort for people that the harsh reality of an
actual human being shatters.
I think it becomes more so for those who use computers to
create art. Writers like me can easily
spend hours with one and not even notice if anyone else is even in the
room. This thing enables our thoughts
and tales, our stories and fantasies. It
gives them breath, and saves our favorite moments for us to relive over and
over again. It allows us to go in, and
easily fix our errors in punctuation, sentence structure, and even flawed
storytelling logic. Like our stories we
build online worlds and communities, such as this blog site, and it rewards us
by offering us this additional mask to hide behind so that no one can get close
enough to truly hurt us. Just close
enough to interact so we don't feel lonely, but without any of the potential
hazards of interacting. The graphic
novel that was adapted to the movie Surrogates shows us a world where this idea
is taken to an extreme. However in many
ways this idea has already been realized.
I've never really thought online dating was a good idea
because the computer can't translate that moment of awareness, instinct, and
presence that happens when you meet a person who you know has the potential to
be a substantial part of your life. There is a pleasing anonymity to online
dating that people have a tendency to not want to give up. Whether out of fear of rejection, safety, or
just not wanting to experience the awkwardness that accompanies meeting someone
for the first time that you have spoken to many times, people have a tendency to
chicken out. Many of the dates I have set up ended in me being stood up,
cancelled on and never rein-checked, or flat out ignored when it was time to do
more than have a casual chat on a random weekday night.
The pessimist would cite things like the other person
cheating on someone else as the cause, or is actively trying not to cheat on
someone else as the case maybe. I think
it has a lot more to do with the person being just human; a vulnerable creature
that isn't always sure of themselves and is trying to find some measure of life
that makes some sense. As human beings we seek fulfillment and it is up to us
to determine whose fulfillment it will be. With this being the day after the
death of Steve Jobs, and the irony of the topic I think I will dare and quote
the late technology mastermind.
“Your time is limited, so don’t
waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is
living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of
others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the
courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you
truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs
In the end, when we create these online extensions of
ourselves they somehow reflect the parts of us that we would like to show first
and the most. The process is showing
yourself for interest and intent to the rest of the world. We show the parts
that we think will appeal to others by either our own value systems or those of
others. Which means that you have carefully outlined the parts of yourself you
feel have little value or worth to others.
But really this is your truth of what you value most about who you are.
For me personally I have 3 online names, and they showcase
all sides of me. When I'm not Christina,
who I am most of the time, I'm Suenammi, which of course is a play on tsunami. This name was given to me by my first
boyfriend and probably the only man to truly accept me as me with whatever that
entails. To this day he forces me to never be anyone else but me. The nickname
reminds me to stay true to me. Analise is my Renaissance and Medieval Faire
name for that wicked side of me that would prefer life be simpler and we made
our own rules and laws. She's that side
that loves to play with swords and drink all night in dives with gypsies and
pirates. This side believes in natural order, justice by my own hand, and the
will of Fate in all matters. She
believes in magic and the divine, in fairytales and ghost stories. While I
write under the core of remembering who I am, Suenammi, it is Analise that
spins the tales.
So as I consider these multiple mistresses housed in the
form known as Christina, I realize why online dating and I are so
incompatible. So few people make the
choice to be exactly who they are no matter who that may be whether people can
tell or not. The temptation is to be who you want to be and hope that it
becomes true. So many people are letting someone else's truth speak for them
and not letting their instincts guide them.
And thanks to the way online personas are developed without the least
bit of screening, the ones you should stay clear of have been tagged before
being released back into the wild. So I have compiled a small list of self-identifiers
in your online moniker that will notify me that we are most likely incompatible
despite your confidence otherwise. I advise all women who attempt to date
online to do the same.
(Ahem) Any references to: money, assumed sexual prowess,
active drug habits, illegal career choices, racial exploitation and or skin
color descriptors, confrontational behavioral warnings (i.e. TooManyGames),
being a living breathing stereotype, overt religious sayings, people who you
are not, all none geeky fictional characters (My first nickname is a natural
disaster. It would be too hypocritical to rule out fictional character
references completely. However, steer
clear of all Supermans. Just sayin').
Please note I will not in fact, 'hit you back." And always the best way to start a
conversation is "Hi" and not with the implication of doing me 'a
favor'.
Always w/Love
Sue
