Once. . . .

There once was a child who spoke in dreams.  The meaning the understanding in rivers and streams. The child was one with all that they saw.  The light was a ghost the darkness a claw.  Words were extinct and unable to bear weight. The sounds incomplete not expressing the core of what to make. Every day the most complex tale in a blade of grass. Patterns too great that simplicity has made crass. While I see a shape that bares little meaning. The child sees a world awash in feeling. In each molecule a universe lives.  In every speck another side it gives.

There once was a child who spoke without sound.  In each crinkle of their brow a book was bound. Most sounds are too harsh for the delicacy of thought. They interfere with the true meaning which is sought. The light brought colors that were outside of the spectrum. The beauty and brilliance was far beyond the conceived doldrums. The essence so bright it can’t be undone.  While I see a shade too faint to run. The child sees a glow that rivals the sun.  An experience of life that is second to none.

There once was a child who saw without eyes. In the core of their being they were free of all ties. The world was not bound by the limitations of mere men. What they saw went beyond the confines of sin.  Were we so lucky to see as that one does.  To know life as again as the gift it once was. To see the world without labels, boundaries or walls. To live once again complete not fractured but in alls.

And Then I Know Passion

Fire

It breaks over my body like a rising day.  The warmth of, the burn of, the living flame of what words have yet to truly capture.  I’ve heard it in a song in that bar that uncatachable untraceable bar of tones of melody of harmony blend in such sweet cloying sanctity.  It sounds like hope that burns in fear, breathes in smoke as it reduces all else to ash. 

I sit I pine and I want and I wonder.  The only thing as sweet as having what you most desire, no even sweeter still, is that moment before it comes to be.  In wanting in pining we live we thrive.  In needing in seeing in craving we are what was always intended.

Water

It consumes my space like water in a dream.  Flowing freely into every crack, every crevice every single space reshaping itself to fill all of me, changing my core rebuilding my texture. What was once some is now all, what was once in parts is now just me. Flood is the word that comes to mind, flood it does, pour till it overflows saturating all around me, rivers running, raging and roaring, rapids freeing caging enjoying.

I am only kept by what I allow to keep me.  I am only captive by the vessel I choose to inhabit. My walls I discover as I flow past them.  My boundaries I invade by running right over them.

Wind

It blows through me like a frost bitten wind. Its light and lithe, a whisper and a storm. It cradles me in intent, passive in its care. It tears at my foundation swirling in cacophony. Unseen power pulling relentless at the seams. It whips it wields it shakes it steals. Swooping diving wrapping and writhing it clears the space in its own time to understand the calm that centers how it strives.

I flow on the current of the will that is eternal. Through the push and the pull of unseen lure. My limbs move as if on their own violation. I fight the tug but none would be undone. Either light as a breeze on a tepid spring day or with the rage of the storm cresting for play. Temper my will my pause my pain, continue to build the strength and feed my flame.

Earth

It buries me in grains harvested from the depths of my being. The long planting season roosted many nights ago.  The moon tended the soul, the sun foresaw the dawn.  In grit it pushes to reach new heights.  In rock it solidifies the sediment of eons of understanding shaping and molding firm foundation for all that pushes. Planting a growing, reaping and sowing, from this place rise.

Elements

The earth as my canvas, water my brush, wind be my motions, and fire my paint. I’ll paint you a passion that you have never seen.  It will shake your foundation, twist your space, overflow your dreams and smote your fate.

That Divine Spark

I dared love once to show me the truth.  Face me head on show me what the mettle of love is and can be.  It starts with the wind.  Always it starts with the wind.  The touch of that which cannot be seen can only be felt. Always it caresses my skin pulling my mind towards you.  I imagine your hands live in that space.  As it ruffles my skirt and pulls at my hair.  I turn towards it like a flower to the sun.  Thirsty for another breath of you on my skin in my hair felt and not seen.  It seems at the oddest times you are in fact always there.

Never dare love to show you its face because it ends up being your own ravaged by tears.  Always tears fall like rain in joy in sadness in grace in pain.  The storms are the best with the drops of rain and the whip of the wind.  The build is where the truth lies. . anticipation.  It brews slowly softly within to break its wrath across this plane.  I feel the rise in me the instinct to meet it.  You can only survive that which you bear yourself to brunt and even then it is merely a mercy that survival is possible. It breaks open, shattered in bolts of lightning across the sky. The sky bleeds, the earth feeds.

Elemental and sublime in the heart of knowledge I remain complete in the hearth of my emptiness I surrender to defeat.  A force of nature that has rend and set asunder all earth, hell and heaven in a calamity of indisposed inevitable unbearable music.  The gnashing of teeth it’s called, the lamenting, the unfulfilled moaning. We forget in chaos the Universe was born.  Only in chaos will such marvels come into being. It lies in the clash. It lives in the fight. The push for solidarity against the desire for union.

The will of destiny is the mating of chance and karma. They dance around each other like pulses of violent intensity with passionate disregard.  They meet and recoil, the joining painful, sweet, yielding, hard, impossible, inevitable. One carries the light, the other bourn by the dark. Its completion that the space calls for.  Meeting of different ends to form a cohesive whole.

What is born lives in the soulful coupling of two never meant to meet but must know each other. The boundaries of commitment unresolved, unrefined, primordial and absolute. As one sees the other hears, as one inhales the other exhales, as one touches the other feels. The answer is not clear, or spoken but felt.  It moves in the subconscious that causes the belly to pull, the heart to skip. A knowing that has nothing to do with logical comprehension matching to identical pairs.  This is the way of nature filling in what was left unfilled. For each open space there is matter to align perfectly to it. Fingers lace, skin meets blends joined.   Separation an improbable and probable instance cursed to join in that moment and walk different planes in all others.

Forever together, forever apart. Bound in the endless dance of existence.

Shriven

That angry scowl on your face

That bitter touch in your embrace

That dismissive air of mild disgust

The inherent joy in your newfound lust

The smell of me you now must hide

My broken face, your obvious pride

These prison walls that once was a home

Filled with the sounds of your whore’s moan

Denied my dignity, stripped of my heart

Expected to be a robot, feelings that stop and start

Blamed for the rage, blamed for the pain

Everything wrong was laced with my name

Never defended myself from the planned coup

I was still too busy fighting for you

So you hated my love surviving the rend

So you needed to show me a hell without end

Take this love and throw it away

Put it down it has no place here today

You silly girl and foolish child

No one loves and my care was mild

You stupid girl and wasteful burden

You were never someone I would defend

You lack of charm and a woman’s grace

Just a boy with a girl’s face

Your company is lacking and your appeal is false

Leaving you was no real loss

Behind the words lived the truth

Never deserved the love that soothed

Fear was to know true joy

Not worthy of a love that was without ploy

Run away before I take from you

All that makes your love so true

I’ll strip your heart, wreck your soul

And then you’ll join me in the cold

Take your smile and laugh away

Nothing worthy here to make you stay

On this pedestal I’ll preserve your grace

No man again will mar the beauty of this face

Trapped in silver, encased in ice

Only she feels the true sacrifice

Away from harm, away from pain

Away from fear, penalty, and blame

On her tower oh so high, she knows no touch, standing apart

Only comfort offered by the waning glow of her dying heart

Far from anything that could reignite the flame

The parts that die out shatter to not even leave pain

An island to herself, so he may atone

She suffers the cold death of being alone

The pedestal of care, built in praise

Will see her hurried to her end of days

Skin like ice, soul slipping away infused with the lie

Knowing the whole time, without the touch of love even the warmest heart will die

I Weep While He Sings

Written April 12th 2010

People care for possessions better than they care for people

They hold close and obsess until their hearts are full

What is the state of the world when you'll tell a machine what you mean

The core of consciousness that says disregard keep words lean

Just because it's a machine, doesn't make the thought less

Even through these circuits the alarm sounds yelling confess

This is when he lies to me I told myself in tandem

This is when he pretends that it was never even him

This is when he lies to us both that there was no reason

This is when he pretends that this is just the wrong season

People care more for things than they do for souls

They covet that which can be bound, covered up in bowls

What does it mean that we can't speak clearly to one another

The core of logic that claims that this can go no further

I felt the burn of the sin in my eyes as they read those lines

Felt the wash of shame at the need to explain showing all the signs

This is when he lies to me I hate seeing it so clearly

This is when he pretends that he doesn't just fear me

This is when he lies to us both make a whole new truth

This is when he pretends this is just a product of youth

I tore apart my tower of despair

Ripped up the cord of passing fair

Not another day in the shadow of a lie

Not one more pass resulting in goodbye

I saw him so plain in the light of day

Blazing his path daring me to play

He plays with lies as he plays with hearts

It's all a game as he weaves and darts

He plays with fire he plays with things

Over and under I weep while he sings

He sees no difference in people and possessions

No forward progress only regressions

I hold my head my reality is real

I hold my heart, its ok to feel

I hold my tongue don't yell it out

I hold my soul it's too soon to doubt

I hold my course there has to be a way

I hold my faith more than he can say

Over and under I weep while he sings

Another time another girl

Another place another ring

Over and under I weep while he sings

Around the corner around the bend

More pain to bring

Over and under I weep while he sings

Desperate heart desperate soul

To both I must cling

Over and under I weep while he sings

No lie to small

My ears do ring

Over and under I weep while he sings

My Eternally Weeping Heart

Through pain there is knowledge with despair, triumph
Through my heart tears rain for my soul to catch, drown

Through the course of this life I have held such hopes
Through the path set before me I see them all dashed

Through this being agony rips me to gaping, wide open
Through these hands slips love to lie broken, well cracked

Through the events in this world I've seen such desperation
Through the eyes of my love I've seen such naked longing

Through the heart that weeps without tears left to fall
Through the eyes that see clearly through the pretense the wall
Through the being that calls my name boldly within it's halls
Through the soul that hears me so softly whispers, it calls

I answer plainly with my arms held wide,
My eternity, my heart it weeps, it cries

My Eternally Weeping Heart

Through pain there is knowledge with despair, triumph

Through my heart tears rain for my soul to catch, drown

Through the course of this life I have held such hopes

Through the path set before me I see them all dashed

Through this being agony rips me to gaping, wide open

Through these hands slips love to lie broken, well cracked

Through the events in this world I've seen such desperation

Through the eyes of my love I've seen such naked longing

Through the heart that weeps without tears left to fall

Through the eyes that see clearly through the pretense the wall

Through the being that calls my name boldly within its halls

Through the soul that hears me so soft it whispers, it calls

I answer plainly with my arms held wide, my eternity, my heart it weeps, it cries

Of Love and Madness

It wasn't desperation, couldn't be desperation that makes me act.

It wasn't confusion, couldn't be confusion that makes me wait.

It wasn't masochism, couldn't be masochism that makes me hold on.

The thoughts swirl and mix.  Chemistry of the brain the scientists will call it.  This gland secretes this fluid, and the reaction is love.  This gland releases this hormone, and the change is lust. This enzyme is allowed to run free in your brain, and it manufactures hate. So very simple is it, in the end the things that power a being to move.  So very simple.

Your brain sends this signal, and your heart rate speeds up.  Your synapses process this change, and respond to make your sweat glands react. This reaction takes away from another, and your mouth goes dry.  This dryness triggers a response that dilates your eyes. The process for fear takes movement from your limbs.  The fluid secreted to minimize your movement and maximize your senses. Your senses expand making everything clearer.  Sense of taste, smell, sensation, hearing, even sight to tell the brain how next to respond.  What fluid to secrete. What enzyme to release. What sense to expand. What action to take next.  It's all a biological process that is easy to explain.  Why you feel the way you do.

Why do I feel the way that I do?  What process triggers that? What fluid is released and secreted? What change has happened to cause this to occur? Where did this start?  Not from a thought, not from a moment, no stimulation on my part.  It was the other one that started this.  What did they do to inject such intensity. Why with a look can the world shift on its axis? 

The science explains nothing. Instead just confirms my madness. It's incomplete this definition. Without a proper point of entry.  The big bang theory on love. It just happened without an impetus without a cause. There has to be another place, another wall; a path we haven't seen.  There has to be another channel another space that we can't perceive.

It wasn't desperation, couldn't be desperation

It wasn't confusion, couldn't be confusion

It wasn't masochism, couldn't be masochism

Does the oxygen in the air thin when they arrive?  The levels of carbon dioxide become greater, and takes away from the air quality. Maybe they exude a pheromone that causes my tongue to swell. Perhaps they have altered my gravity setting off an unerring chain reaction in my head; the brain seeks to protect itself from the heightened levels. Too much iron in their blood causing a magnetic response. Water, of course, they have lower or higher levels of water in their system. The hydrogen makes me light headed. It is a volatile element always on the brink of exploding.

Nonsense, foolish tripe, driveling nonsense. The elements don’t react that way.  The human form is not only a body.  It is a body, connected to a controlling conscious mind driven by an unseeable unphantomable force called a spirit. I would reason that while the body is ruled by the mind, and the mind has made itself a slave to reason, this spirit knows nothing of logic.  Logic this construct of man to give reason focus, and to relegate emotion to fantasy.  Something to sometimes indulge, but never take too seriously.  After all it bears no true weight and meaning.  And yet it explains all else that logic can't.

It wasn't desperation

It wasn't confusion

It wasn't masochism

I must call it madness. That's what any sensible human being calls it when it doesn't have a logical explanation.  Only that which is logical is sane.  Correct. . It wasn't...  Correct, logic is the only true answer.  In logic is reason, and reason has justification, reason has . . .  It wasn't . . . has the essence of life.  We have created so much on the back of reason. . .It wasn't ..love is just this fanciful idea. It's a theoretical theological myth. . . It wasn't . . . love doesn't happen this way in an instant.  It is cultivated over time, between two people with a wealth of common goals and interests and they. . . It wasn't  . . love each other because it's practical and beneficial.  That thing was just a chemical response, physiology and such . . . it wasn't. . .love.  It wasn't love, how could it be love. How could it be love?

How could it be anything but love?

Oh Impossible Love

"Did I hear you right?" I glanced up at him at the question. 

Did I hear you right, he asks.  As I stare into eyes the color of which I could not phantom; the depth of which I wouldn't dare to describe.  Did he hear me right he wants to know?  And I openly wonder what does he think he heard.

I'm told when other people are in the presence of two people in the middle of an untenable connection a few things happen.  The moment seems oddly long, and you find yourself wondering why they are just standing there staring at each other.  There is a distinct sound in the air that resembles a bell, and of course the room sizzles with the intensity of it.

Well from the other end something else happens.  Absolutely nothing except quiet, peace and the lack of coherent thought. The closest to heaven any mortal being can ever be. Sweet, sweet oblivion.  Because in a moment that lasts an eternity yet is as brief as a breath, an entire lifetime is lived.  And not a single moment is voiced in a word. It's softer, simpler, and doesn't even require a thought.  Instead it is an action; straightforward, and vivid.  So startling that it knocks the mind on its ear.  So intense it suspends time and space.  So intrusive it halts involuntary bodily functions. Because what has happened is beyond human comprehension.  It is the unbound, uncontrollable essence of love itself, and cannot be conceived by the rudimentary senses of a mere mortal.  Wielded by she who is beyond a goddess, Fate herself, with an unthinking blink of her elusive eyes.  For a second, that I'm sure I imagined, I see the flash of them in his.

What a taunting evil thing it is.  The mere faint whisper of what can truly never be. She weaves this wicked thing that is beyond man and beyond this place letting hapless mortals catch a glimpse of its grace, its majesty.  Just enough to want it. Just enough to know it exists. Enabling the knowing. Enabling each and every man, woman, and child going to their graves never even knowing the slightest taste of what she ordains and wills into their lives with nothing more than a fleeting glance.

"Did you hear me right?" He cautiously amends at my lack of response.

If I close my eyes I can hear her laughter, because while we can't understand her words, she will always endear us the pleasure of her amusement. Why else would she bring such a thing as instant kismet into being?  It must be for the amusement of herself and her court. For all it does is plague mankind leaving us wanting and wishing to be all that we can never be. For love is faith, and faith gives rise to hope, and in hope man can do all.

Accept for this moment.  This instance of reality that is beyond our thought, beyond our comprehension, beyond our ability to recreate. It is her domain and her domain alone.  And she hoards her power selfishly knowing what arrogance would befall man were he able to manufacture what is so simple for her to induce. This miracle that has restructured worlds.  This transplendent point that has reshaped destiny. It seems so carelessly wrought, but how else should such a force be managed?

I look into his eyes and whisper without my voice, a couple of words. Said before in the breath, the eternity, the blink, the lifetime, the instant we touched. My Love.

He smiles down at me returning the acknowledgement, "That's what I thought you said."