Showing posts with label relationship advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship advice. Show all posts

Monday, August 13, 2012

What Other People?

I love those conversations that begin with blaming someone else for what happened in a another person's relationship. How so and so screwed things up or so and so stole someone's man or woman. The truth is the only people who can screw things up in a relationship are the two people involved.

Years ago I spoke briefly about this subject in my memoir style book Perilous Flight.

Perilous Flight from Barnes & Noble
Perilous Flight from Amazon

While the account was full I believe that it needs to be expanded upon. What this account includes is a tidbit of advice from my stepfather that I believe is the simplest, most efficient way of dealing with this.

Oh yeah
Upon my friends hating the man I was dating and a couple trying to go for the "it's him or me" approach to stop the relationship I was at a loss. I defended everyone to everyone else which left all sides feeling like I was against them. Seeing my distress, my stepdad gave me the best advice about it I've ever had. He summed it up like this, "Get all those people out of your relationship!" At the time I took it to mean romantic ones. As I grew older I realized that it is just a good rule of thumb for any important relationship.

When you really explore this it places all of the issues in a relationship where they belong. With the people involved. The idea that someone has broken a couple up, either as a close friend or as a new partner is ridiculous. The fact is that a person in the relationship didn't want to be there anymore. That simple. Life set the stage and they acted accordingly. In an idea world this is handled civilly with little hurt. But this world is far from idea. So sometimes the method feels heartless and brutal. And for some it is their intent. You shouldn't be with someone who enjoys your pain anyway. It's the best tip that this needs to end.

I think the harsh way relationships sometimes end is a hard idea to confront because of the value system we place on things in our lives. My boyfriend or my girlfriend becomes status symbols for some people and they mistakenly place all of their personal worth and value onto this other person. People must find value within themselves. You and only you are responsible for your happiness. Value another person as they are, not what they can make you see yourself as. That leads to placing too much value in images and outside perspectives. This is a mistake because in no way, not even if the person says it, should it ever be taken that someone is better than or less than someone else. The reality is that someone else maybe more suited to who that person was with.

In most situations after the pain has faded people can be honest with themselves about it all. One or both people always felt that the connection was unsubstantial. There was awareness of an issue.

You're Doing it Wrong!
Now I'm not talking about being lazy and just not trying. Although if that is happening that is also a sure sign. I mean there are situations where you try as hard as you can and no matter what you do, the two of you just don't sync. There is no shame or failure in admitting something is just not working. There is only responsibility. That is between the people involved.

The definition for insanity is the process of trying the same thing over and over yet expecting different outcomes. All those other people are distractions from the truth and proof that you are not dealing with it.

The hard truth is sometimes 2 good people can't make a relationship work. No one is better than or less than anyone else. The reason it doesn't feel right is because it isn't right. And you can't take on the blame for something not working when you did everything you could to make it work. That knowledge involves no one but you. You know if you gave it your all or not.

The best solution in this situation is to walk away. Have some faith, maybe the two of you need to change before life leads you back to each other. Maybe life is leading you to the one you've always wanted and needed whether you knew it or not. The bottom line is that it's true, honesty is the best policy when dealing with those you care about. But in truth you can't be honest to anyone else until you learn to be honest with yourself.

Everyone courtesy of

What!? Courtesy of

Friday, January 6, 2012

Why Men Lose Interest? What a Woman Can Do To Keep a Man!

I believe all of our social problems can be laid at the feet of this compound sentence and title. Within this statement is the bane of our social existence.  How can I make the lack of societal responsibility on the part of the first the fault of the second?

The fallacy of this statement is not lost on me. The problem is that I believe it is lost on most people.  Somehow the world of print media, advertising, and all else have laid the blame for a woman not being attractive to men at the feet of the woman.  Somehow women must strive to satisfy male needs without any concept or care for themselves and who they are.  I suppose this wouldn't be so upsetting if it were 1912 as opposed to 2012.  Yet with the coming of the new year it is obvious that some things still haven't changed.

Man plan
When a woman, namely myself, reads these types of articles that encourage women to dress a certain way, style their hair a certain way, and insist that they don't nag, I become a bit offended.  Ironically not nearly as offended as I become when reading the ones that encourage devious and deceptive behavior as the best way to make yourself 'bait' in a man catching trap. And always if you are not being pursued then there must be something wrong with you as the woman.  The ones that tell you how to alter your behavior so that you 'appear' to be the perfect girl for the guy you have decided you want are the worst offenders of this type of social masking.  Somehow the 'surface' fixes offered by some sites are not nearly as gamey as the personality overrides that more sophisticated networks are offering.

As if
The most popular top 10 lists don’t talk about looks, they talk about behaviors that they feel women need to break in order to be more appealing to a man.  They focus on making sure that you are that bit of fluff in his life that expects little from him and requires little maintenance, yet somehow always has time for him. Only have fun conversations with him and don’t be so negative.  What guy wants to deal with any problems other than his own? So with this in mind, try not to ever have any.  And if you do have the decency to not bring them up to him.  You really need to figure out how be less. . . . human when with a man.  That’s all.  You can’t really be friends anyway because of the sex thing and the fact that you have nothing in common so keep things simple. Should be a quick and easy fix to go from a fully layered functioning person to a constant Budweiser commercial.

While the woman is busy making herself the idea girl, where is the work for the guy?  What is he doing?  Surely he can't be bothered to be making sure that he is the right guy for the kind of girl he has decided he deserves.  Ahh but he is.

So somewhere else in the mass media haze men are being told how they need to act to get that one woman that all men must want because if you want a different kind of woman you are somehow less of a man. She must be this paradigm of womanhood that manages to stay beautiful, sexy, by being painfully self-centered, materialistic, and occasionally asinine. Because if she’s not like that she must be playing you or there is something wrong with her because all girls worth being with are like that. 

So you have to be well dressed, have a well paying job, and pretend to listen to her on occasion.  God knows she isn’t talking about anything but her clothes and hair.  Because as a man all you can offer her is what you are worth in the world.  You make the call, sit and decide what type of woman you want and then be ready to snatch that idea woman up when she presents herself. 

Perfect Man (Female Perspective)

I’m sure she’ll manage to seem loving when she needs to be, if not, buy her treats, she’ll come to heel right quick; have you on your back licking your face.  Remember be manly, don’t let her have her way too much and don’t let her completely rule you through sex.  Which is the only thing she has that is of value to you.  Well along with cooking and cleaning, but women love to do that all the time so you’re doing her a favor by eating her food and making a mess. ( Notice how the male perspective of a perfect man and the woman's perspective of a perfect man don't even resemble each other)

A to B
Yes in a perfect storm the two happen to meet, but how? Because usually the girl he is building himself for is not the one that is building for him. They would be together if they were pursuing the same goal. If he is busy being the man that he thinks woman A wants and woman B is busy being the woman that she thinks man A wants while there is a man B trying to be the man for woman B.  You get the pickle this puts them all in. In that case, when will these two people, who are probably good for each other but are otherwise engaged in being someone they are not. . . meet?

The other end of the spectrum is of course the men and women who are the idea so they don't have to work quite so hard to attract and capture a mate.  (I’m using the word capture in a metaphorical sense because it is usually how the dating, mating thing is referenced) They merely have to pick and choose who will be worthy enough to be with them. 

Basically all of us mutts are dressing up as thoroughbreds hoping the real deal doesn't notice long enough to get them hooked on us.  And we wonder why divorce rates are so damned high.  In the end it doesn't matter what you have coated yourself in, if you're a mutt, you will eventually be revealed as a mutt.  Why play the game when you know the inevitable outcome?

By the way, there isn't anything wrong with mutts.  So it is this value system that seems to pose the biggest threat to relationships between men and women.  Always we go to media and let it determine what is of value in our world and what is not.  I know people believe that the media has no effect on how they determine who to date or why.  I pose the argument that it does. When you compare and contrast definitions of beauty in other cultures and other countries and how the media backs this up it is obvious that we are affected by it because they are often not reflected universally.  For beauty to be a given it would have to have a more universal appeal.  People who are more symmetrical are more attractive across the boards.  However not everyone prefers blondes.

I love those relationships where the couple finds themselves hopelessly and madly in love for very inexplicable reasons.  You see those great loves didn't start under perfect or even convenient circumstances.  The couple usually had a rough road as they had to deal with who they really are in full view of the other person as opposed to who they wanted to be seen as.  This is a crossroad moment.  The relationship either grows or dies in this instant.

First Date
In laymen's terms, I think most relationships are Adam and Eve all over again.  You are naked and blissful, unaware of who you are and that you should be ashamed, then whammy you eat the wrong thing, all is revealed and you just want to run and hide before the other person sees too much. Before they see you're insecure, your confidence can be broken from time to time, you're not perfect, but flawed.  Before they see the parts of you that make you human. This is when the strength of the relationship is really tested.  When you have to drop all of your bullshit fantasies and look at the mess you got yourself in.  All kicked out of Eden and shit.

If a couple survives that terrifying moment of looking each other in the eye and knowing that you are naked before them then they have a shot at it. But they don't have a shot unless they have that moment. Because the same holds true for all things, nothing worth having is easy.  Nothing that is easy is worth having.  Only in the face of separation do we finally realize where we truly want to be.

In the end we are whoever it is we happen to be.  Trust is lost in relationships when it becomes painfully apparent that one of you, or worse yet both of you, is lying in what you told that other person was an important part of your life.  Anyone who has ever had a passion for anything knows you don’t risk an important part of your life on affairs, lack of time spent with it, or lies to yourself about it. 

The brave dive in and deal with it.  They take risks and chances to make sure it is IN their life.  If you don’t have that, you never had that person’s interest. You were a convenience and not a necessity. You should treat the relationship the same way.  Eventually you’ll find that person that won’t flinch and will boldly stand naked before you as you do the same before them.

A to B Courtesy of 

Man Plan Courtesy of

Perfect Woman Courtesy of

Perfect Man Courtesy of

First Date Courtesy of