What Other People?

I love those conversations that begin with blaming someone else for what happened in a another person's relationship. How so and so screwed things up or so and so stole someone's man or woman. The truth is the only people who can screw things up in a relationship are the two people involved.

Years ago I spoke briefly about this subject in my memoir style book Perilous Flight.


Perilous Flight from Barnes & Noble
Perilous Flight from Amazon

While the account was full I believe that it needs to be expanded upon. What this account includes is a tidbit of advice from my stepfather that I believe is the simplest, most efficient way of dealing with this.

Oh yeah

Upon my friends hating the man I was dating and a couple trying to go for the "it's him or me" approach to stop the relationship I was at a loss. I defended everyone to everyone else which left all sides feeling like I was against them. Seeing my distress, my stepdad gave me the best advice about it I've ever had. He summed it up like this, "Get all those people out of your relationship!" At the time I took it to mean romantic ones. As I grew older I realized that it is just a good rule of thumb for any important relationship.



When you really explore this it places all of the issues in a relationship where they belong. With the people involved. The idea that someone has broken a couple up, either as a close friend or as a new partner is ridiculous. The fact is that a person in the relationship didn't want to be there anymore. That simple. Life set the stage and they acted accordingly. In an idea world this is handled civilly with little hurt. But this world is far from idea. So sometimes the method feels heartless and brutal. And for some it is their intent. You shouldn't be with someone who enjoys your pain anyway. It's the best tip that this needs to end.

What!?

I think the harsh way relationships sometimes end is a hard idea to confront because of the value system we place on things in our lives. My boyfriend or my girlfriend becomes status symbols for some people and they mistakenly place all of their personal worth and value onto this other person. People must find value within themselves. You and only you are responsible for your happiness. Value another person as they are, not what they can make you see yourself as. That leads to placing too much value in images and outside perspectives. This is a mistake because in no way, not even if the person says it, should it ever be taken that someone is better than or less than someone else. The reality is that someone else maybe more suited to who that person was with.

In most situations after the pain has faded people can be honest with themselves about it all. One or both people always felt that the connection was unsubstantial. There was awareness of an issue.

You're Doing it Wrong!

Now I'm not talking about being lazy and just not trying. Although if that is happening that is also a sure sign. I mean there are situations where you try as hard as you can and no matter what you do, the two of you just don't sync. There is no shame or failure in admitting something is just not working. There is only responsibility. That is between the people involved.

The definition for insanity is the process of trying the same thing over and over yet expecting different outcomes. All those other people are distractions from the truth and proof that you are not dealing with it.

The hard truth is sometimes 2 good people can't make a relationship work. No one is better than or less than anyone else. The reason it doesn't feel right is because it isn't right. And you can't take on the blame for something not working when you did everything you could to make it work. That knowledge involves no one but you. You know if you gave it your all or not.

Everyone

The best solution in this situation is to walk away. Have some faith, maybe the two of you need to change before life leads you back to each other. Maybe life is leading you to the one you've always wanted and needed whether you knew it or not. The bottom line is that it's true, honesty is the best policy when dealing with those you care about. But in truth you can't be honest to anyone else until you learn to be honest with yourself.

Everyone courtesy of http://styledip.com/broken-heart/

You’re Doing it Wrong! courtesy of http://relationshiprealizations.com/images/main/x-relationship-in-trouble.jpg

Oh Yeah courtesy of http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/18373732.jpg

What!? Courtesy of http://getbackmyex.com/images/argument1.jpg