In an effort to keep Fiona and Colan a little longer I decided to edit and release a 2nd edition of my first self-published ebook and historically top selling, Make Mine a Heel. As always when I dive back into the pages of this book nostalgia takes hold. This time it was so refreshing as I expected such a mess of a story and saw that even then my voice had a cadence and a charm I hardly expect to see or read. I started critically and then I just fell back in love with Banner and Keith:
“You must hate me,” Banner whispered.
“Why would I hate you Bay? You’re at least here trying to
understand.” His deep voice sounded solemn, humble. “That’s more than that
jackass that knocked my mother up has ever even tried to do.”
The next thing she knew his hands were on her shoulders and
she could feel his breath at her ear. “Yeah, we got off to a rocky start, but
you’re here for the same reasons I am. We’ve done what we’ve done for basically
the same reasons. I could never hate you.”
He turned her to look at him; the truth of it in his eyes.
“Twice in your life?” she asked.
He gave a false smile with a joyless laugh. “I may have
exaggerated a little. I believe the last
time I heard from the son of a bitch was him admonishing me for my career
choice. With my size and athleticism I should’ve become a basketball player.
Something people could respect.” He turned from her. “That was when I realized what a fool I’d
been all my life. You tell yourself you’re doing something just to prove what
you’re worth. It isn’t until much later do you actually admit who you’re trying
to prove it to.” He admitted.
“Broke your heart,” she guessed.
Keith laughed. “A broken heart I could’ve dealt with. This
was worse. It broke my spirit,” he shook his head gravely as he spoke. “I
didn’t know which way was up anymore.” His voice turned gravelly as he spoke as
strong emotions coursed with his words. “I had convinced myself in the deep
dark parts of me that I never try and speak to that if I did good in this he
would see what I was worth.” He stopped his face taking on this expression of
mocking disbelief as he continued, “Finally he would come along. Be repentant,
beg me to forgive him, and we could start fresh as I proved that I was worth
his time. Now I would allow him to do the same.”
He sat again staring at the screen, the two men in the ring
tumbling, twisting. The announcer was increasing his tone, his pitch to match
the action. The crowd was screaming, yelling.
This was made all the more apparent by his stillness. His green eyes
wide yet focused on the screen, almost innocent with shadows. For a moment
Banner could see him as he had been when he fell in love with this sport. That
young boy that hadn’t yet understood the whys and hows of life, but knew if he
could chose it would be like what he saw.
“My foundation, my hopes and dreams were rocked and
shattered. It was more devastating because I didn’t know until that very moment
how much of what I had done and become was based on this perception. I had
built everything on the idea that one day he would think I was worth his time.”
He stared silently at the screen for a few moments after his wrenching speech.
Banner looked at the screen because his face was much too
painful to look at. Then she just looked at the floor because watching what had
made him choose what he had chosen was no better. She could see it. What a
small boy would see; all the fans, the unconditional love, the affection. The
absolute lines of right and wrong. Men hugging each other knowing that it was
okay. It was the same things that made young boys play football or any other
sport. Why boys joined the military. Why they joined gangs. Always, they were just looking for a man strong
enough to love them. They sacrificed everything only to wake up one day and
realize that the only man that could do that for them is the one they become.
“My father, and I use that term loosely, is a waste of
space,” he began his eyes never leaving the screen. “I was never going to
matter to him. I was the fallout of a drunken night on a leave weekend from
some Mexican whore that didn’t know any better. He was the son of a high ranking
Navy Colonel and no way was the world going to know what he sired and with
what. He considers my mother and our family mongrel beasts; nothing
but poor hapless peasant stock. Had he known that I was being born he probably
would’ve had it taken care of. As it was, my mother was much smarter than he
ever figured. She used it to get into America. She made the ass pay child
support and raised me to know all sides of myself. Not just the ones she was
comfortable with. She planned it all out, right down to my name. Now I just
know that the prick did a disservice to only himself. He missed out on an
amazing woman.” He ended reverently.
“And a son,” Banner said softly.
“I think some things are hereditary. It took me a while to
become the boy my mother tried to raise.”
He dropped his head. “The fallout from me was much worse than my father
had ever wrecked.” He said dispassionately.
He wiped his face showing his exhaustion. “You’re right; I
need a break. Didn’t realize it, but that took a lot out of me,” he gestured
towards the TV. “Sit and watch for awhile?” he asked.
Make Mine A Heel available in ebook and coming soon in print.
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