The Muse

Sasha watercolors 1998

I’m terrified, for the first time in my life I am honestly tempted to run
All of my bravado, my shit talking ways lay at my feet in dust all but done
Uncertainty does not even begin to describe the depth of my emotions
Confusion does not skim the surface of my delusional notions
I never asked for this, did you, I never wanted this, how could you
Dragged me in by the thick of my hide, kicking and screaming fuck you

I’m petrified, how on earth did you expect me to feel
But it was never about me; you just wanted another way to deal
Selfishness is something I’m all too familiar with, I know how it works
Daily I exercise my right to walk hand and hand with assholes and jerks
Denying the true motive for my rather inhumane form of expression
Deep down inside I just crave to be in their mists, their latest obsession

I’m telling the truth, maybe for the first and last time in my life
I suffer a hole the size of the world ever growing with it’s strife
The shell I wear is the only shield I have against the pain trying to take me
This false persona the only defense against the masochism I want to set free
Lying to myself as I lie to you with a smile of indifference a lack of concern
While I hold myself together trying to quell the fire of outrage that will always burn

Can anyone honestly love a creature such as myself, you see my dilemma
Does such a self-sacrificing creature exist that can tolerate my self-imposed enigma

But I see you, through the haze of tantrums in the face of moral obligation
I see you, through the lies of society on the path to a throne of uncharted destination
Somewhere between my own damnation and your condescension, humility seeped through
Somehow I found a door to another plane of myself of unrecognizable texture and hue

Logic is a notion that can only be defined by itself
Emotion carries facets and karats of immeasurable wealth
I want to taste your tears, revel in the face of your jubilation
I want to incite your passion, stand by you in moments of humiliation
I want your unguarded expressions, be the cause of your lack of concentration
I want what has been denied to others, a bond that defies all analytical explanation

Then I’m resigned by the need and the dependence of such thoughts of you
My lack of patience subsides in the face of avidly wanting to see this through
But my wants are incidental, never as important as I have desired them to be
My need inconsequential as I let fantasy run the course of what could be you and me
In the shadows of my own trepidation that for whatever reason you just might call my bluff
I humbly carry the haunting notion that ultimately my dreams of you will have to be enough

Tail End of Tomorrow

We arrive on the tail end of tomorrow
We stop to smell the roses, trying to drown our sorrow
The next day comes bringing hope and despair
Holding myths of forever, life without a care
O believe in the impossible, live by the inevitable
Tear away from the set and ignore status quo

Do you miss the boredom, miss the need
Do you crave the sickness, yearn to feed

The hate that rains on others yet passes some
The twist of the knife that is still to come
Depending on those that can’t depend on themselves or each other
Dropping life long friends because you’ve found a new lover

Density at mass is the best description
Failure at class, there is no redemption

Don’t pity me as you scoff because I’m not accepted
Instead feel my disgust in you, know I rejoice in being rejected
I can hear you laughing at me from your place in the vacuous void
I take it stone-faced and silent because I know it makes you paranoid
I’m not alone, regardless of what you may need to believe
Beside me stands a different sect awaiting the dawn of our eve

We arrive on the tail end of tomorrow
Waiting patiently for you to let go
The truth stands away from your lies
Every day it gets stronger as your view dies
O believe in the impossible, live by the inevitable
In the distance there is a reckoning that will destroy your fable

Pause

Whisper

Pause, it just takes a moment to realize where I am
Only a moment to understand and see through the scam
I wanted the best at first, I usually want the most convenient
But it has gone far beyond the thought of mercy and being lenient
Now I crave another layer, a deeper knowledge of relation
I yearn for that untouchable state beyond fear and elation
Not quite the unnatural high produced by a drug called ecstasy
But instead an emotional height created by the awe of human synergy

I know it exists, it dances around my form taunting me with it’s perfection
I know it exists, holding itself just out of my grasp reveling in my rejection

Pause, again I hold still and wait for the recognition
Still awaiting the moment when the fates will end my persecution
I only desire what others take for granted, I only want to have those precious instances
But I remain unmoved unswayed by the power that consumes all it influences
Now I thirst for the storm it brings as it swallows whole all that it embraces
I hunger for the brush of it’s wings as it flies to overtake the heart it chases
Not quite like lust that rushes in and ebbs to nothing like the morning tide
But instead the constant consonance that prevails when it should subside

I know it exists, it lives behind the eyes of a well loved child
I know it exists, holding the secret of creation, making chaos less wild