Showing posts with label Paranormal Romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Paranormal Romance. Show all posts

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Romance - Redefining Intimacy


When I started writing romance novels it was because I wanted to try and establish some realistic and attainable ideas about love.  I enjoy the over the top romances as well as any other fan of the genre.  However I have grown up with certain expectations of people that are generally unfounded.  Romance novels ingrained that lovely fairytale aspect of idealized love that we all secretly crave.  That level of knowing another human being and that sense of safety, trust, assurance, and dedication. Often romance writers inadvertently imply that this can be attained through sex.  This is a pervasive theme of confusing sex with intimacy.  Which leads to confusing good sex with true love.  Most romances have a basis of physical attraction that leads to a permanent relationship.  The real world tells you that physical attraction doesn't even always lead to sex, less alone a deep and abiding love.  There are the extraordinary cases where circumstances have forced higher levels of intimacy in a short amount of time. Which I believe is what most romance novels are actually trying to shoot for with hit or miss results.

1 of my all-time favs
Please forgive me because I'm about to be sexual orientation biased to try and explain my perspective. When I first started reading romance novels as a teenager I remember the popular trend was that the woman, who was unaware of her beauty, was shown how lovely she is by the hero.  The hero usually has certain kinds of women interested in him.  Usually mean, unintelligent, vapid, women who are the peak of physical beauty for that time frame making the heroine feel like a sow's ear in comparison (this is actually a reference from one of the novels I read during that time). Despite that, the heroine usually trumps the other woman in every other way, and the man can't help but eventually notice leaving the she-beast of extraordinary physical beauty for the woman of impeccable manners and character.  The unfortunate reality is that this is a female fantasy, and thus why it is a basis of the formulation of these stories.  In the real world the most beautiful woman you know isn't usually a terrible person. If she is, the guy usually doesn't take the time to even notice any such thing. He ends up with the same kind of woman over and over again. Men very rarely leave women they are committed to in any regard. This speaks to a certain fantasy perspective for certain women. Male and female fantasies are not the same, and in many situations, have very little in common.  Despite the blurring of gender roles, as our society delves deeper and deeper into inequality this rift only widens.

There can be no equality between the standardized male and female egos because we aren't told the same stories, and society has tried to engrain different expectations based on gender. The female is to be focused on love, family, and home life.  The male power, status, and social mobility. These goals don't necessarily correspond and they aren't necessarily accurate for every person you meet. But for those that believe in this system of equity how can intimacy establish itself? While love and family is mutable because it is supposed to be a declaration of a woman’s happiness and acceptance by a male, status and social mobility are set with only certain types of relationships achieving idea male goals in such an unequal society.  This is not to say that members of both don't focus on aspects of all listed.  It is to declare that in these situations true love is not the goal, so intimacy becomes something that is in essence 'getting in the way' of these goals.

When you research Erik Erikson's much debated stages of psychosocial development he devotes a brief but telling amount of narrative to stage 6 which is young adulthood.  This stage is called Intimacy vs. Isolation.  This stage is about discovering how to actually be involved in close personal relationships with other people.  This is not just about romantic relationships, this is about highly evolved ties with people who are not family in the traditional sense, but somehow in the course of knowing each other become so.  It is needful to note that part of this theory specifies that being sexually intimate with a person does not result in intimacy.  True intimacy is the desire and ability to share who you are with another person, and seek knowledge of the other person beyond what is visible.  The opposite of this is isolation which is a constant process of purging others from your life in fear of their identity compromising your own. The term opposite intimacy is distantiation, and it is the act of putting other people at an emotional or intellectual distance from the person that you are. It is relationship classism.  The results from this are self-absorption, inequality in relationships, and sometimes various forms of abuse i.e. physical, sexual, and most commonly emotional. The person suffering from this is cut off, and tends to have a negative view of people and relationships. They hold themselves above others to compensate.

It is fascinating that when you look up the term intimacy, the images are usually sexual with two people naked in each other's presence.  The definition is almost noncommittal in its self identification in explaining that it is the state of being intimate.  It goes on to explain that it is a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving relationship with another person or group.  The very lukewarm nature of the definition somehow makes it seem like a casual occurrence that happens frequently as opposed to in special situations.  The most interesting thing is how it is defined when in conjunction with a thing or subject.  There it is a close association with detailed knowledge and deep understanding of something. And I wonder why can't that be the definition of intimacy when applied to another person? Is it too hard to generate a detailed knowledge and deep understanding of another human being?  It seems to be the only thing that actually generates long lasting loving relationships.  One definition implies a begrudging tolerance due to being fond of something.  Almost like choosing chocolate over strawberry ice cream.  You don't mind strawberry, but you LOVE chocolate.  The other implies the investment of time, energy, and resources to maintain.  The difference in observing someone responding to you in a certain way, and actually KNOWING why they respond to you that way. Which one sounds more like a successful relationship to you?

Mars and Venus action
In this new age of perceived and computer designated compatibility an ugly trend is developing. People are choosing mates that fit the formula of who they would like to be perceived as instead of who is most likely inclined to understand them. Mostly because compatibility isn't about understanding or compromise anymore.  From what I can tell it has the complexity of ordering dinner.  I want a mate that is this religion, this race, this height, this weight, makes this much money, has this eye color, this hair color oh and likes babies. They are rating musical tastes as opposed to life philosophies. They are letting insecurity dictate what their mate's habits can and cannot be. The act of having sex and tolerating that person the rest of the time is replacing the actual meaning and content of intimacy. They are letting who the other person is be an extension of how they define themselves instead of accepting another fully functioning identity into their lives, and developing a deep knowledge and understanding of who they are. Now according to Erikson's stages of development it is because they have yet to establish an identity.  I don't necessarily agree.  I believe the fault lies in the socialization by peer groups, family units, and media.  Just think about the constant influences of advertising that insists on declaring desirable standards in males and females.  This categorizing and predeterminations are actually measures for choosing isolation over intimacy. People can't see the forest for the trees.

So every time a man says that he doesn't like women as smart as he is, it is a method of isolation.  Whenever a woman declares that a man is too effeminate for her, it is a method of isolation. It seems that all of our dating habits and trends accomplish the exact opposite of intimacy.  They instead try to redefine intimacy as something that can be quantified by personal preferences as opposed to being an entity of only itself.

Intimacy
My goal when I started writing romance was to try and regress this process and make falling in love less about sex and more about intimacy again.  I try to make my characters establish high emotional content before the first kiss even happens because without that, the first kiss means nothing. They are practically in love with one another before the first time they make love because they have been shown this capacity for care and intimacy the other can provide to them.  Without that it's just sex and there's nothing romantic to me about just having sex.  It’s the emotion behind it that moves it and gives it potency.  In a sex sells society where highly emotional and dedicated relationships seem to be looked down on, I think storytellers should be more dedicated to these ideas and not less.  It’s time for the lovers to take back romance.

Gentle Rogue cover courtesy of: 
http://dreaminginbooks.blogspot.com/2010/09/your-bossoms-and-ravishment-are-not.html

Mars and Venus action courtesy of:
http://www.mindreadersdictionary.com/what-should-i-do/intimacy/

Intimacy courtesy of:
http://christykrobinson.blogspot.com/2010/04/intimacy.html

Monday, April 4, 2011

My Eternally Weeping Heart


Through pain there is knowledge with despair, triumph
Through my heart tears rain for my soul to catch, drown

Through the course of this life I have held such hopes
Through the path set before me I see them all dashed

Through this being agony rips me to gaping, wide open
Through these hands slips love to lie broken, well cracked

Through the events in this world I've seen such desperation
Through the eyes of my love I've seen such naked longing

Through the heart that weeps without tears left to fall
Through the eyes that see clearly through the pretense the wall
Through the being that calls my name boldly within its halls
Through the soul that hears me so soft it whispers, it calls

I answer plainly with my arms held wide, my eternity, my heart it weeps, it cries

Friday, March 19, 2010

So a Psychic and Rocket Scientist Walk into a Bar - Sample

“Yeah, a coffee would be nice.” As he instead seated himself at her baby grand causing Clair to pause and stare for a moment to see what he was doing. With the delicacy of a surgeon the man lifted the lid, and placed his fingers over the keys.

Clair was about to yell at him she realized as he started playing Beethoven’s fifth in A minor. Fascinated Clair stopped, and watched as this handsome man closed his eyes, and let his fingers glide over her keys.

“You tune her yourself don’t you?” he said under his breath.

Clair hadn’t realized that she had moved closer until she heard his voice which startled her out of her stunned fascination with his playing.

“Yes, I do.”

He nodded. “You like your tones a hair sharper than a tuner would leave it.”

Clair felt the tug in her heart, and was terrified more than fascinated. She made her way swiftly into the kitchen, and started the process of brewing coffee.

Clair realized that her hands were shaking as she placed the filter into the machine. The sounds of his playing were floating clearly into the kitchen. His technique was nearly flawless, his form, the pressure of his fingers, and the invisible nuances of playing an instrument as complex as the piano all in line with the intent and purpose of the piece. Clair took a deep breath as the sounds of one of her favorite works moved over her ears, and assailed her heart and soul.

It had been like that when Johnny would sing to her. His voice would incite feelings of wonder, awe, and joy. But his voice wasn’t the instrument of her heart. Not like the piano. Listening to someone pay homage to her liege as Sergei was raised her level of involvement to about three times of where it was when Johnny would sing to her.

‘Rapture as a noun meaning elation. Elation as a noun meaning happiness, euphoria, glee, intoxication, jubilation which leads back to—‘

Clair’s eyes popped open as she realized what she was doing.
Shaking even harder she continued preparing the coffee.

When the task was done she walked into the living room, and sat on her sofa to listen to him play as she waited for the coffee to finish brewing. She got to watch the play of his back muscles as he moved. He sat ramrod straight. Edwina would love his form, she thought passively. He kept his wrists firm, and his fingers loose. He was playing as if he could see the music in his head as his eyes were closed. Clair did that sometimes, but that was because of the sheer ecstasy she received from playing. Biting her fingernails, Clair watched as he continued.

Then without thinking she got up, and sat next to him on her bench. There was barely enough room for her, and she completed his melodic line with the under pairing for the piece. Edwina used to do this for her all the time when she was trying to find her way through a work. It was akin to what women did to under lead a man while teaching ballroom dance.

Sergei’s eyes opened, and he looked over at Clair as she played. Her eyes were on the keys. The look on her face as she played made his breath catch. It was sublime the pleasure she received from this instrument. It wasn’t the right time or the right place, but he couldn’t help what he did next. He took her chin into his hand, and leaned over to kiss her.

Clair didn’t know how to respond. She was playing, and then she was being kissed. His lips were smooth, and warm as they feathered softly over hers. He pressed, and then opened his mouth. Clair was stunned to find her lips following suit. His tongue slipped between her parted lips, and she moaned in the back of her throat. Sergei was patient though. Softly he rubbed his tongue over hers until she returned the caress, and then he retreated causing her tongue to follow his back between his lips. She felt The slightest suction on her tongue, and he released her pulling his head back staring into her glassy eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized immediately. “It’s not my way to steal kisses. You just looked so .. . “ his voice faded off The look on his face said plainly that he just didn’t have words for how she had looked to him.

Clair brushed her fingers across her lips. She hadn’t been kissed in little over a year, and she certainly hadn’t enjoyed any of those as much as she had this one. She then brushed her fingers over Sergei’s lips, and had the pleasure of hearing his breath catch at the caress. She leaned into Sergei, and sealed her mouth to his.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Sandra's Social: Book One of The W.A.R.M. Front series - Sample

She was jolted by the realization that they were pulling into his garage, and next to Brenda’s Lexus. Sandra started then sat knowing that he would be offended if she didn’t let him get her door. She chastised herself for caring whether or not he was offended. That was all the time he needed to open her door for her. Silently they started for the elevator which from this point of view provided so much more space than the car had. He either had nothing to say to her or was waiting for her to start the conversation up again. Well he was gonna wait cause she was not starting anything. She had made it clear that his comment had made her very uncomfortable. He should’ve apologized by now. Obviously his manners weren’t as good as she had thought.

The elevator door opened, and he unlocked his door stepping aside for her. Sandra practically ran in, and like a tornado she went to his bedroom to grab her dress, then back out to grab the pumps by the green sofa, her jewelry on the coffee table, and her clutch hanging on the coat rack. She smiled coldly to herself as she realized she wouldn’t have been able to pay for the meal had he let her have her stand. That led her to wonder if he had been aware of that, and was merely saving face for her. No man that would openly question a woman’s self-respect would care about face. Not hers at least. Sandra looked at herself still dressed in his clothes, and decided she’d have to return them, but at a later date when she wasn’t so unsettled by him. Politely he waited at the door as she did this, and together they stepped back into the elevator.

“There’s no need –”, she started without looking at him.

“Nonsense, you were a guest in my home. That’s all the reason needed.”

The elevator stopped, and they stepped off. She pulled her keys out of her clutch, and he snatched them from her to use the automatic locker to unlock the doors. Opening the door he grabbed what she had in her hands, and threw them in. Then closed the door, and closed in on her until her back pressed against the Lexus. Slowly and deliberately giving her plenty of time to move away his face closed in on hers. The closer he got the faster her heart pounded. Slap him if he kisses you, she screamed to herself. Slap him. . . .Low-lidded dark blue eyes held hers, and she was quite literally caught in them. Slap . . .he had to understand what a weapon they were towards the opposite sex. His scent almost like sandalwood and musk scattered her thoughts completely.

The first touch of his lips against hers was feather soft. Just a brush it seemed to test the waters. Sandra was quite frozen at the moment. Her heart stopped, and then raced. What was I supposed to do if he kissed me, she wondered vaguely. Softly he pressed harder waiting for her to bolt. No other part of his body touched hers just his lips, and his eyes. It was the single most erotic kiss she had ever had. She could see his pupils dilate until his eyes were just a thin ring of blue around them. Nothing disturbed this moment not even breath as his mouth slowly opened over her, and his tongue lightly touched the seam of her lips. His eyes still focused on hers. Tentatively he prodded her lips, and she parted them slightly. Just enough for him to lightly dip his tongue inside of her mouth. The gasp she made when she finally made herself breathe opened her mouth completely, and his breath hitched as they held for a moment open-mouthed. After a small groan his eyes slid closed, and he took full advantage by sealing his mouth to hers.