Showing posts with label Ebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ebook. Show all posts

Friday, April 22, 2016

Needless to Say I'm Having a Bad Day

I reached out my hand and met only air
I suppose it would've been nice
If someone had cared enough to at least slap it away
But no I met only air

I dream of my bed, so very tired from the day
But I see myself there alone and drag my feet to it

I reached out me hand and met only air
I didn't understand the nature of loneliness
I thought it was only felt by the weak
Those who let themselves be taken advantage of

I reached out my hand and met only air
Even a slap, there some strong emotion in hate
Indifference leaves nothing, not even a breath
Dispassion leaves less than nothing, not a trace

I reached out my hand and met only air
Why isn't there someone there
I pray, I share, I give and I care
And still I reach out and only touch air

How have I landed here in this place?
My only comfort are books
My only companion plans

I live to go to work, there are people there
And if I close my eyes and pretend just right
I can just convince myself
If I disappeared they would care

I reached out my hand and met only air
I don't know how to fix this
So far gone I can't back out
So far gone I don't even know how to anymore

I have this spot, this place, the tower that I view all from
Never truly understood and never truly appreciated

What can it do for me, whispers in the back of my head
How can I use it to make me feel good
Circles in my mind

Maybe if I jump, it will all end
No one will catch me, no one would dare
And if they did they'd only use me
Always only use me, for what they want
Never give back, never really see me
Just what they want from me

It's so stupid, it just wants to make you happy
Make it love you and it will do whatever you want
You never have to give back, you never have to care
Just pretend, it'll believe you, it always believes you

Maybe if I jump the voices will stop,
Maybe if I jump, they will let me fall
I'll die with the truth
If nothing else, I'll have the truth

Maybe if I jump. . .what reason is there not to
To soft to love, to tough to hate

Maybe if I jump. . . . there will be someone on the other end
Maybe if I jump, .. someone will see me.
Maybe if I jump .. . love will be on the other end
Maybe if I jump . . . it won't matter anymore

I reached out my hand and only met air
Time to accept
This is all that will ever be there




From Perilous Flight

On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords

From Your Disposable Baggage

I wish it was as easy for me as it has been for you, to pull away as if nothing that happened was real
To pretend that a person doesn't live, breathe, exist and feel
I wish it was as easy for me as it has been for you, to move on with life without a backwards glance
Not even caring that this thing you never really gave a chance
I wish it were as easy for me as it is for you, to ignore even the basics of courtesy and forgo basic compassion
To just toss aside another person and remain in style and fashion
I wish it were as easy for me as it still is for you, to pretend that I'm not there
I see now that because of you I'm going to learn how to stop being fair,
I'm going to understand how easy it is to just not care
I'm going to indulge in the game of making people disposable
I'm going to see the justice in being weak and pretending I'm not able
I'll show them how little they mean to me with my disregard
How unnecessary they are like dead leaves in the yard
I'll show the others what you've taught me
And their pain in being hurt I'll delight to see
For everyone will wear your face

And maybe when I've had my fill I'll regain my grace. 





From Perilous Flight

On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords

Thursday, April 21, 2016

For Him

Like rose petals, falling away from the stem
Each layer reveals another thought of him
Before I succumb to despair I think
What a gift to have for just that moment
Whether more moments come or whether I am to be denied
What a gift it was for the brief time it thrived
Things I never believed in and was hesitant to guess
Were shown to me without the normal trials of duress
I wonder, was it truly him or my idea of him that made this so
Was it just a nudge to know the ways things could go
Maybe a hint at what I could share with another to come
Or was it meant to be savored and seen to till done

What expressive eyes, telling too much and not enough
What a charming candor that is too pleasant to be rough
What a confounding mix of the things that matter to me most
What a pleasant surprise that was this familiar haunting ghost

You want to be free of me, that I can understand
The trials of my present unacceptable for a good man
If only I had met you first, where would we be now
Things go as they should, regardless of how

Thank you for your time, for showing me moments to never forget

Until my dying day the memories will remain and never relent




From Perilous Flight

On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords

Perpetual Bliss

In states of heightened awareness I see where I am
In those shadows and layers I know what to do
Before I turn the corner the slightest flicker catches my gaze

I’m always wanting, wanting, wanting

In places beyond my grasp I flow with the rhythm
In voices that don't speak my language I catch what I can
Before I answer the call I can hear coming, I relent

I'm constantly wanting, always wanting, wanting

Intrepid with indecisive ambiguity
Frozen by tempestuous allegory

I'm continuously wanting, constantly wanting, always wanting

Turgid with growing anxiety
Catatonic from pending despair
My faith holds out, for more than I can bear

I'm always, constantly, continuously wanting, wanting, wanting




From Perilous Flight

On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Tempting Fate

Winding wheels of time do turn
the grinding halt of lessons learned

Why do I feel the need to explore
The burn of touch, a desire for more
Didn't pain teach you anything
The vacant spot where you once wore a ring

Why do I seek this out
That voice that takes away my doubt
Didn't love leave you flat
Nothing but wind and sorrow in your hat

Grinding gears and twisting tide
I run to the front when I just want to hide

Too much, too soon, too fast, too . . . .good
Too good, is  . . .there really . . . . such a thing?







From Perilous Flight


On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords

Freedom

Freedom is a myth they say.  A dream that haunts and never sees the light of day.
Freedom is a lie I’ve heard.  Just another concept that turns out to be only a word
Freedom is a trap I believe.  No one can just get up and leave.
Freedom is beyond our reach I think. The last thought that a person has before they sink.
Freedom is a foolish wish I'm told.  Like hunting for treasure when their's only fool's gold

Is a prayer that never gets answered
A prophecy that remains unfulfilled
Freedom. ..... Freedom
A cry from a desperate part of the human soul
A prize that can be dreamed and not held

A farce without a funny bone
Freedom . . ...Freedom
A path that has no end
Freedom  .. . ... .Freedom
A life unlived
Freedom . . ... .Freedom
A goal without thought

My dream, my path, my farce, my prophecy, my trap, my wish, my cry, my goal, my myth, my lie, my thought, my prize, my prayer, my love, my life.

Freedom is my life

I pursue, I maintain, I endure,

Reachingly, crave, longingly, desire, fulfillment, lasting, tolerance
Feeling diligently awakening ripping piercing raging hollowed hell
pulling within

I hear the cry, thrill shriek of truth calling.. . you . . .the words so clear, words I long to hear.. . . have. . . .desperate to know, so afraid to know. ... it.

The truth unveils itself like petals .. you . .. flowers growing . . .have . . .in the abyss . . .it. . .. .nothing grows here

Too much pain  . .. .you. . . ..to give new life  . . . .have . . . .can't be . . . .it

Improbable, could it . . .you  .. .have .. . be .  . . ..it. . . . . . true

you .. .have . .. .it


you have it.





From Perilous Flight

On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords



Tuesday, April 19, 2016

The Stages of Woman

Our mothers they teach us to be who they are and as penance we lose our first love
Our friends beseech us to act as they desire and for this we lose our next love
Our loneliness forces us to discover that we can only be what we are and within find our last love

As we stop craving the love of those that crave only our pain.  As we stop seeking that for which only wants to give us our fondest desire of being destroyed. Fascination with being put out of our misery begins to fade.

As we finally look within for what cannot be found without. As we finally look within to the cradle of the truest deception.  The whispers are clear and ever growing louder as we face what all have tried to hide.

Who said that I was flawed, who claimed that I was without.  So hard to believe that they didn't deserve you, much easier to believe that you are the problem.

You only get back what you put out.

Have I, all this time been the maker of my own pain.  Have I, just now begun to realize that I am worth so much more than they say. worth so much more than I say.

so much more than they say, so much more than I say, more than they say, more than I say, than they say, than I say, they say, I say

I say,  I am a woman, I say I am worth so much more than you will ever know, I say that I hold all of who I am, while you hold none. I am strong enough to yield and fierce enough to give, I am hardy so I will stand and I am confident so I will rise to any challenge. 

I am. . . .power. .  I am. . . .joy . . . . .peace. . . . . I am. . weakness  I am. . .undeniable . . boundless . .  I am force. . truth. .  submission . . .decadence. .  I am . . .malleable . . .distraction. . I am  absolution . . mystery. . . .I am. . . .temptation . . . . .rejuvenation . . .exaltation . .  I . . .loyalty . . . .am. . . .reckless. . . .imperfect. . . .I . . . . love . . . . human . . . am. . destruction  . . .rebirth .  . .life. . . .
I           am        flawed.



From Perilous Flight

On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords



Not Broken

I told myself that you weren’t broken
I hardly could believe the words were spoken
In my time, my pain I can still feel the truth
Even though there doesn’t seem to be one ounce of proof

My heart, speaks over my mind
It tells the story of love being blind
It has not prejudices no flaws are too great
There is no word that will spur these feeling to hate
Jealously disguises itself as love
Envy tags on and pretends it’s from above
Judgment comes and fills the world with its pain
Even lust wears love as if it were its name

I have fallen to each and carried their flag with no shame
I have let them whisper their designs and submit me to their game
I have torn down my own honor, my dignity and moral code
I strolled down the roads that pride and arrogance foretold

As I pull myself from the depths of their treachery
I see clearly that my love has carried no heresy
I have not denied the feelings God blessed me to have and give
I have not forsworn my love as false thus it will forever live

So as I say that you are not broken I know that it is just
I let my love guide my hand to declare till I am dust
As long as there is breath in me, my love will not dissipate
Whether for a year or 20 a part of me will always wait

Mayhap one day I’ll pass you on the street
Mayhap that day you and I will truly meet



From Perilous Flight

On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords

Monday, April 18, 2016

My Fate, My Destiny

I hold my fate in one hand and my destiny in the other. 

I reach across the plain to drop one to find that neither will let go.
I reach across the sky to release one in the wind and realize that I cannot let go.

My fate stares boldly back at me from the base of my right palm.
My destiny laughs as it watches the play from its place in the base of my left palm.

They know a secret to this place that I have yet to discover.
They taunt me from their vantage point holding their own favor.

I hold my Fate, the words vibrate, in my mind
I hold my Destiny, the words resonate, through my heart
In one hand and the other, floods my soul

My Fate, nothing is ever promised
My Destiny, nothing is ever gained
In one hand, I know the way to go
And the other, I’ve always known the way.

My, how long have I run from myself
My, how often have I avoided my own face
In, so many ways the road is revealed
And, carelessly I have chosen to stray away

I hold my Fate, in this hand as I close it into a fist
I hold my Destiny in this other hand I now close into a fist

I own, My Fate, I own, My Destiny.
Opening, I rub my palms together.
Now they are as all parts of me,

One . . and . . . the same.



From Perilous Flight
On AmazonBarnes and Noble and Smashwords

The Unnatural State of True Love

The best of us from the worst of us, cacophony and symphony, as heralds heckle and jeer, as heralds praise and cheer. Walk with me down the slippery slope of a path unknown to find solace in a peaceful word. I know as you know its comfort is false and temporary, like holding the kite as lightning strikes. Yet you stand, to ashamed to run, to fearful to embrace. God I see so much of what I love in that face.

Tearing, pulling, shredding, holding, kissing, missing, sharing.

Please be real, I beg and plead . . . please be real, I have to believe. . . . PLEASE BE REAL, there are no words. I couldn't know . .I couldn't . . . .deserve. I shouldn't know. . . . I shouldn't. . . . . deserve.

The voice in the back of your head is your heart pleading 'Don't fight me anymore', 'Don't resist, take what you want'. The mind insists, 'This feels wrong'. Everything in me is Dying, 'dying', "dying".

The quiet whispers, 'Is this right, am I right.'
The darkness chimes, 'How did I miss, so much'
The light shouts 'How did I see, so little'

Like sunrise, like a storm, like water on your face, this place, the fields and the oceans, the air and your soul heat and breathe new life

Like fingers shifting apart gossamer the wind says, 'Let's do that again'.
Wrapping its stroke around you it coyly beckons, 'Take this trip with me.'






From Perilous Flight
On Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Smashwords

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Blog in Review Best of 2014 #2 9 Days - A Novella of Mythic Proportions

When I first started writing I knew I would delve into mythos because I find our myths and fairytales so fascinating.  They still have so much to offer on the nuances of human nature. One of the stories that has always fascinated me as many others is the tale of how Hades took himself a wife.. . literally.

 I'm a dark girl, literally and figuratively.  I'm always trying to dissect the so called bad guy, because I believe in there is the true answer to all of humanities ills. The first time I confronted the idea of reinventing this tale I thought to modernize it. That is woefully without though because of my misguided motivation. I was one of the believers of the hype.  I had painted Hades a villain that had the good fortune of his captive actually coming to love him. A little you know first edition Stockholm syndrome. I wanted to modernize it and have the human embodiments of the God and Goddess meet and he do it all proper like this time as they repent for their sins from the past. I felt Persephone deserved a proper courtship.

It took me a while of thinking in this way to understanding the math of all this just didn't add up the first time. Think about it. We aren't talking about a mortal woman.  As we all know mortal women got screwed coming and going in Greek mythology. If anyone deserves a happy ending tale its mostly someone like Cassandra. Persephone technically got hers. Yeah it had a rocky start but what if there are things that weren't told.  The desires of a woman not being adhered to by an overprotective mother seeing forever only a child. We're talking about a goddess, the daughter of Zeus and Demeter. Had she truly wanted to leave wouldn't it have been simpler?

I let the story simmer in the back of my head for months not sure how to do the story justice because there is no story.  Truly as many accounts place it, the story of what happens to Persephone is virtually unknown. What we are often told is the trials of Demeter and the suffering the world endured at the taking of Persephone.

As the story goes after the initial abduction of Persephone, Demeter roamed for 9 days looking for her child. On the 10th she was told by Hecate that she had been taken by Hades. Helios revealed that it was not an unsanctioned taking.  That her father Zeus had in fact given Persephone over to marriage to the dark lord of the underworld. The resulting tale speaks of a year of suffering as Demeter protested the absence of her child stricken to the Underworld.

While it would be customary to assume that it was the time spent with her husband in that year that made Persephone loose lipped when her mother's will was being considered, I would rather tell another story.

I would like to tell one that paints the Lord of the Underworld a little less dastardly.  Mostly because when compared to some of his siblings he actually kinda was less dastardly. He requested the marriage.  Zeus knowing Demeter was going to have a cow (its Demeter so that isn't just allegory [rimshot]) gave him one of his tried and true methods of girl getting. Just take her.

I realized that I would like to tell one where the Lord of the Underworld knew that he would have 9 days to woo his new bride for that was when it was agreed to that her whereabouts would be revealed to her mother. As they all knew Demeter would attempt to bring hell on earth with her to gain her beloved child back.

No matter how much lore you read the story remains the same.  The taking of Persephone is usually listed as a raping.  However there seemed to be no witnesses to an acutal rape, just of an abduction and her screams as she is being carted away on a golden chariot. I mean considering the time period, rape was just the assumed discourse because that's how gods rolled.

But the very interesting thing is that underworld activities were shrouded. There have never been many tales of who Hades actually is. Yet the method of how he acquired his wife and subsequent equal queen of the Underworld is one of the most prolific stories surrounding what I believe is the often very misunderstood lord of needful things such as death and the dead.

Thus 9 days.

Think of 9 days as the mythological version of 9 and a half weeks. A sheltered lovely child, a lord of darkness and the unveiling of who they both truly are.

I want this to feel like a tornado. A swift sweeping love story where no one was trying to fall in love, just trying to assert themselves in a difficult situation.  Which if we're honest, we love those best that make it necessary to do that.

Soon I will start this from day one.  I will write the first chapter titled 'The Abduction'. From there each day for the next 9 I will write another chapter and tell what happened on this day until all 9 days have past and we have a good sense that Seph (as I like to call her) ain't going anywhere.

I hope you'll choose to come with me ; )

Always w/love,

Sue

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

When Alex met Thomas

Excerpt from Sandra's Social:

This morning was the clearest Alex’s mind had been since the accident.  He focused on the girl Danielle as she brought over his breakfast.  She looked like she fell right out of the 17th century. Her skin looked like cappuccino froth dusted lightly with cinnamon.  The long plain beige skirt she was wearing looked made of cotton.  The simple white top was too big for her as the large scoop neck toyed with falling off her creamy lightly freckled shoulders with every movement. It was held to her form by a simple white apron cinched tight to her small waist. She had a brown bandana tied around her gold-laced brown hair holding it out of her face.  With no makeup, and only a freshly washed face with broad evenly placed features, golden amber eyes sparkled mischievously with an even broader smile.
“Morning Beautiful; here’s some eats for you.  Hope this day finds you blessed.”
“Who is he to you?”
Danielle gave him an odd look as she placed the steaming plate of eggs and hash on the table near his bed. “That was a complete sentence. This day sees you blessed indeed.”
“Answer the question.”
“My name’s Danielle by the way.  He told me you were Alex, -”
“Please, answer the question.”
“My brother, now can we move on to more civilized conversation?”
Alex merely regarded her with hooded eyes.
“I suppose that’s a no.  Pity I figured you had something interesting to say.”
“When is Glendel coming back?”
She shrugged as she turned, and started to leave the room.
Alex stewed for a second over Danielle’s uncooperative nature.  He then took a mental detail of his physical condition.  He moved both legs successfully, but the truth would come when he tried to put weight on those legs.  His right shoulder was definitely wrenched.  He had pain in various places; his face, his chest, and back. It was safe to say he truly hurt from head to toe.  He was staring at his feet dangling over the end of the bed when Glendel casually strolled into the room.
“Done with your vacation? Talk about an inopportune time to take a break.” His gold eyes pinned Alex where he lay as the deep smooth voice of the man filled the room.
Glendel stood at the doorway in pretty much the same ensemble he had been in when they had met three weeks ago, but without the hat.  His brown hair was greasy, and lay flat to his skull as if he had been wearing a hat before he came to the bedroom.  
Alex really wasn’t in the mood for this man’s off color sense of humor, and said so. “I can’t say that I’m in a good frame of mind for your particular brand of wit.”
Glendel arched a brow mockingly. “Why that was slightly British. Odd from a big slant eyed Bolshevik like you. What’s your story Stefanov?”
Alex merely glared at the man.
“Okay, I see you woke up in a grand mood.” Glendel commented as he went over to a chair that was by the bed.  It was the perch that Danielle had maintained during her vigil over his prone body.
“Where’s McNeil?” Alex slanted his dark blue eyes at Glendel.
“Back to his charmed lifestyle.” His expression appeared bland at most.
Alex stared at the ceiling as he thought about the places Shane McNeil could hole up. “How did the rest of the IRA feel about Shane’s statement?”
“They claim it, but I happen to know firsthand that it leaves a sour taste in the mouth of many of them.  They want Shane dead.” This was accompanied by an even blander look on his face considering the subject.
Alex fixed Glendel with a hard look. “How do you know so much?  How long have you been working this?”
“Since it started it seems. This is my home Alex. I see to what’s mine.” Glendel ended fiercely, his tone defying the unresponsive features of his face.
“Will you get in my way when I go after McNeil?”
“Not at all, I intend to help.  Unfortunately if I want to maintain my inside you’ll have to be the one to kill McNeil, and then I’ll do the right thing, and kill you.”
“You’re breaking my cover.” Alex jerked wanting to sit up, but flinching instead, and staying prone.
“Yes I want you out of Ireland mate,” he said deadpan.
“My orders-,” Alex started raising his voice.
“Are superseded by mine,” was said softly, but with force.
“No fucking way will I just roll over and let you kick me out.”
“You aren’t being given a choice in the matter.  I’m offering you plenty by giving you McNeil, and a fake death. I could give you neither.” Glendel’s eyes gleamed with malicious intent. The most expression he had showed yet.
Alex frowned at the man that he was quickly beginning to not like one bit. They were on the same side. Why was he being told to run home with his tail between his legs?  It wasn’t even from his superior, but by some CIA field agent. It made no bloody sense.  Then realization dawned on him.  The man being in the right place at the right time, his unreadable countenance, and obvious community ties.
“You’re first wave intel.”
Glendel’s answering smile was dark and cold. “Now you’re catching on laddie; much bigger things here than the IRA.”
Alex closed his eyes in frustration, but knew that he had to heed the man before him.